suite 994

one.

2012-02-20T16:41:00.001-05:00

Last week ended on a hopeful note and we made it to a transfer. Of nine eggs that were collected, six were abnormal. Three eggs went on to fertilize but two of them were developing abnormally and had to be destroyed. That left us with one. One chance for this cycle. The embryologist told us that our egg was developing "correctly" and so it was transferred into my body on Friday morning.

The transfer itself was quick but overwhelming. As the doctor implanted and we watched the procedure on the flat screen TV above our heads, J and I looked at each other with tears in our eyes. Our thoughts were with Liam. He will always be our son. We will always live and breathe his absence. I held my necklace with one hand and J's hand with the other, and through our tears we smiled. We smiled for this chance.

Now we wait. Time will tell.

I'm at home for two weeks, slowing down, resting and yes, i'm even preparing my body for the possibility of another child. If this turns into a pregnancy then we'll have to prepare for a long and windy road ahead. My high risk doctor is waiting for my call with a positive and then i'm in her hands. But for now that's looking too far ahead. For now I need to catch my breath, breathe and try to relax into whatever will happen next.

Thank you for your touching comments, for your thoughts and hopes and wishes! I really can't tell you how much it's meant to be able to come here and share and connect with such amazing people like you.

sunday morning.

2012-02-12T12:33:00.001-05:00

I'm always the first one to wake up. I put on a pot of coffee, cuddle with Ziggy and fiddle around the house while J sleeps. This morning I curled up on the sofa with a pile of blankets and a magazine. Ziggy joined me and fell back asleep in my lap.

It's been a long two weeks. It felt good to be still and just be in those first few hours of the day. My IVF treatments are finishing on Tuesday. The heavy dose of hormones divided up into 5 injections a day have completely drained me. IVF is intense. For me, IVF after losing Liam has been overwhelming and very emotional. So much pain from his death has risen back to the surface. I feel like the past, present and future have all gathered into one time. Right now. J reminds me to take it one step at a time. Don't look too far ahead. Keep the spark of hope alive. Keep Liam close and safe. It's a balancing act.

Our collection is the next step and that will be on either Wednesday or Thursday. Then we wait by the phone for someone to tell us that my eggs have fertilized and that it's time for the transfer. Oh how I hope one fertilizes this time... steps Tash.

*** These are some photos from our day in the country last week.

***

2012-02-04T07:05:00.003-05:00

We walked along a quiet trail in the mountains and breathed in the winter air. We followed bunny tracks and deer tracks and watched the sunset from the mountaintop. And as the sun disappeared into the hills and the sky lit up magnificently in layers of yellows and oranges, we both felt him. Liam was with us. But he wasn't with us.

J put this little video together. I cry every single time I watch it because that sunset meant so much. We stood quietly watching until the last sparkle of light was gone. And now we wait. Until the next moment when we get to feel Liam again.

6 months.

2012-01-23T18:35:00.001-05:00

It's been 6 months since Liam died, the same amount of time that he was alive.

I'm especially reflective around significant dates. I go through the series of events that have led me to this moment in my life and it always leaves me stunned in disbelief. How Liam came to be after the doctors gave us a 2% chance at conceiving naturally. How he died after I ruptured PPROM (pre-term premature rupture of the membrane), something that happens in less than 3% of pregnancies. Those are some odds. How my son and I spent 26 days in a hospital bed holding on as tightly as we could to each other while the doctors monitored survival rates, chances of risks and amniotic fluid levels. How one day my baby was safe in my belly and the next I was helplessly birthing him into the world only to die. It's been so much to process, so much to absorb and accept. 6 months after my son's death and I still go about my days wondering what happened? What on earth happened?

Next week I start my second cycle of IVF. My new IVF protocol is more aggressive since the first cycle failed miserably, and yes, the doctor gave us our chances for success. But I know better now. I know that it will either work or it won't. I know that while I put my faith in doctors and technology, some things are just out of our control. There are no guarantees in science, just as there are no guarantees in life.

So we take everything we know, and everything we will never know, we hold each others hand and we take the next step.

***

2012-01-09T14:05:00.001-05:00

Have I told you that the flakes are falling here?

We snowshoe in the winter. There's something special about snowy walks in the woods when all you can hear is your breath and your feet shuffling underneath you. J and I have shared magical walks under the stars in the backcountry of Vermont, somewhere i'd like to go again this year.

I'm not one for new year's resolutions, especially after last year. Losing a child puts your life into perspective. This year I take the time to reflect on a year that has forever changed me. On Liam, my son who died before he had the chance to really live. On finding a balance between the two worlds I live in. My world of Liam and my world without him.

One breath at a time. One step at a time.

***

2012-01-02T18:31:00.001-05:00

I don't get to talk about Liam very much anymore. Usually i'm the one who brings him up, and I do, not all the time but I need to talk about my son. I carried him for nearly 6 months, I spent a month in the hospital fighting to save him and now i'm missing him with all my heart. He's my son, so how could I not talk about him? But I realize that most people would rather ignore the truth when the truth is hard. It's easier to ignore Liam's little life or try to sugar coat his death by saying something {so completely awful} like "it just wasn't meant to be". Someone told me that during the holidays. As she hugged me she whispered those words in my ear. I'd like to mention that she's a mother of two. A part of me wanted to tell her that she should be careful about what she says, we're talking about my son here, his name is Liam and he most definitely was meant to be and did in fact be, but the other part of me just didn't have the energy to get into it. Especially a few days before Christmas.

That same evening, I went to my support group meeting where I join four other baby lost mothers every month in a church basement. In this place our children are safe and they're always acknowledged as they should be. Our group leader asked us about the gifts our babies brought us and when it was my turn to talk about Liam's gifts, my list was longer than I had expected. I kind of surprised myself as I was speaking, it took someone asking me to say aloud all his gifts for me to realize that to this day Liam continues to bring me gifts. He's changed me in so many ways, he's opened up my eyes and even my broken heart to this cruel world. Liam has taught me what's really important in life and how we really don't know what tomorrow will bring. He's taught me not to sweat the small stuff, life is really too short for that. He's taught me that i'm a strong woman but I have my limits just like everyone else, and I don't have to be strong or "better" for other people. And Liam continues to teach me about the type of person I want to be and the open, honest and meaningful life I want to lead. In so many ways, my son is teaching me how to really live. I left my meeting with new thoughts to take into the new year. Good thoughts.

It was a hard year. The worst. But i've promised myself to make more of an effort to remember the hope and love and harmony that my son brought me with his little life too. I won't pretend or deny the pain and guilt and anger that surrounds Liam's death, but I will try to find a balance. I know that people will continue to say hurtful things but I also know that it's my job to protect my son's life and memory. What type of a mother would I be if I didn't want to protect my child?

I want to say thank you to each of you who continues to join me here. I really can't express my gratitude enough for listening, being there and for sharing with me. This blog has been a healing place, i'd even add it to my list of therapies right along with my psychologist and support group. It's a place where i've been able to set my heart free and keep Liam's memory alive. And that feels so good.

Wishing you peace, love and light for the new year friends.

sunday.

2011-12-19T17:09:00.001-05:00

At the end of an afternoon that included lunch at our favorite Indian restaurant, take away samosas for later, holding hands, random street art and hot cocoa, we plopped down on the sofa with our cat Ziggy. Me on my iPad, J on his laptop and Ziggy happily tucked between us. Me surfing the blogs, J on Fstoppers and Ziggy purrs filling every corner of our little living room. This is more or less what our Sundays looks like. Us. Living quietly. Missing terribly.

The night ended with a lit fire, wine, those samosas and the season finale of Dexter.

Then I touched my son's urn and went to sleep.

** I found these angels in a little shop last month, they're Christmas presents for Liam's great grandparents, grand parents and aunt and uncle.

*** This is Ziggy. We adopted him last month.

i am.

2011-12-13T11:10:00.001-05:00

I am a woman
I have a deformed womb
I have an incompetent cervix
I have a minuscule number of eggs
I'm 37 years old

In 2009 the doctor said we had a 2% chance of conceiving naturally
In 2010 our son proved the statistics wrong
The doctor said our baby was a blessing
Liam was a blessing yes

At 19 weeks I ruptured
I was rushed to the hospital and had emergency cerclage
My water broke the next day
Amniotic fluids trickled down my leg from that day on
The doctors said it was a "slow leak"
Baby Liam needed to be monitored closely

I had to stay very still in bed
I could move from side to side
I could lift my head to eat
I could lift my bottom onto the bed pan (but no pushing!)

Liam liked icy water, orange juice and listening to Bob Marley tunes which I played straight into my belly every night
Liam and his daddy liked to poke at each other through my belly which melted my heart every single time
Liam always stayed put for the nurses when it was time to listen to his heart beat (3 times per day)
Liam didn't like the Trendelenburg position

For 26 days there were doctors, nurses, orderlies, a hematologist, a physiotherapist, a dietician, ultrasounds, heart monitoring, blood tests and anticoagulant injections
For 26 days there was guilt, fear, tears, disbelief and helplessness
For 26 days I prayed to God to help us
For 26 days I never once prepared myself for his death

Trickles suddenly turned into big gushes of fluids
Every 15 minutes I braced myself
Stay with me Liam, not yet my love
Please someone help us!
The doctor said there wasn't anything they could do
They put me back into Trendelenburg position
I developed a fever of 40.9
The contractions started

The doctor told us that an ambulance would take me to a high risk hospital for delivery
30 minutes later he came back to tell us that no hospital would take us
I had a fever, Liam might have a fever, it was too risky
Nobody wanted to try
Nobody wants to even try?
I would stay and deliver Liam
The doctor said that they wouldn't resuscitate him after he died
After all of this nobody wants to try?
Justin pushed a chair across the room
I went into shock
The next 15 hours were a blur

In the OR they gave me a spinal and removed the cerclages
I went back to my room in the maternity ward to wait
The spinal wore off in the morning and the contractions became unbearable
An anesthesiologist came to give me an injection for the pain
My mom held my hand, Justin fed me ice chips and my dad paced the room

If you passed by our room you just might have thought that we were having a take home baby
But then our tears and sad faces would give us all away

Liam was born on August 6, 2011
He was 23 weeks and 2 days
He was perfectly healthy
He grew big and strong
He had Justin's eyes and nose
He had my lips and chin
He had chubby cheeks
He was so beautiful

He breathed on his own for one hour and 29 minutes
I asked the doctor if they could transfer him to a high risk hospital now
The doctor said that the transfer would kill him
So he dies if he stays and he dies if he goes...

I am a mother
My son died
Last week a stranger asked me if I had children
No. I mean yes. YES I do… but he died.

We are back at the fertility centre now
Our IVF journey has officially begun

We didn't get very far on our first round
Two weeks of hormone injections
Twice the dosages increased
My body wasn't responding
The doctors expected much more

I produced four follicles
One of them matured
But it ended up being abnormal
We didn't make it to the transfer stage

Our Liam, he was a blessing yes

** I time travel back into that hospital bed every so often. Those are the last 27 days that I had with my son so I hold on to the memory of them as tightly as I can. When you lose a baby you aren't left with much, an urn, a few photos, an outfit, and the memory of what little time you had together. Such excruciatingly little time. My son blessed me with 163 beautiful days, and 27 of them happen to be spent in a hospital bed. Nobody knows what might happen even the next minute, one day you are in the lavender fields, the next you're in the hospital. Life. is. fragile.

I share my journey because it helps me. Thank you for listening.

***

2011-12-07T20:32:00.001-05:00

It's been a tough week. The days leading up to Liam's due date were tough and now the days following his due date are filled with should have's and would have's. I ache for him with every part of my body. I miss him every single day but now that he should be here, i'm missing him even more.

Our quiet little house feels quieter and emptier. I keep the place pretty clean, now all I wish is that Liam were here to mess it all up. Toys everywhere, bottles all over my empty counters, his Pack n' Play Playard that I had picked out smack in the middle of my perfect living room.

Last weekend the walls felt like they were closing in on us so we escaped and took a long drive out to the country. Justin and I talked and cried and hugged each other a lot. We walked in the mountains, watched the sunset over the water and drove home under the stars. Everywhere I go I look for my son, in the sky, in the fields, in the dancing trees, I just want to feel him. I'll take anything right now.

Losing a baby is the most painful thing you could ever imagine and it's the hardest thing in the world to talk about. When someone tells me that their sorry, I usually tell them that i'm sorry too. I'm sorry because it was Liam who died. I'm sorry that I couldn't save him. I'm sorry that my body let us down. And i'm sorry that you will now have to listen to me talk about my dead son because I know that you don't really want to but I really really do. Nobody wants to talk about dead babies, I sure as heck wish that I didn't have to but I do because that's my life now. Liam will always be a part of me, he'll always live in my heart and I only speak from my heart so that means that i'll be speaking about him. Talking helps me. Your visits help me too. I know that it's not easy to know what to say, to be honest sometimes I don't even know what to say. The fact that you thought of me and took a moment out of your day to come by here means a lot. Thank you. And thank you for the virtual hugs :) I also want to thank two ladies who sent me packages this week, both arrived on the same day too :)

Thank you for the book lovely Jodi. Namaste.
Thank you for the candies sweet Tina.

2011-12-02T06:37:00.001-05:00

It's a peaceful morning. It's still dark outside, the house is quiet, your candle is lit and all my thoughts are of you right now. Today you were supposed to have been born to us my winter baby. Today I was supposed to leave the hospital with the most amazing early Christmas gift that I could have ever imagined, beautiful you bundled safely in my arms.

This is the last photo taken of us together which I had wanted to share with others but we went into the hospital the next day. Your daddy and I drove up to a beautiful lavender field and spent the day walking and breathing in the beautiful scene. Everywhere we went people congratulated us and gave us big smiles. I was blooming and I remember how giddy I was because I could feel your gentle nudges as we walked through the fields, I thought you must have liked the smell of lavender as much as I did.

Carrying you inside of me brought me so much love, i've never felt as happy as when we were together. People tell me to remember the good times which has been really hard to do because all I can do is feel the pain of losing you, but this morning i'm remembering our last little adventure together and i'm smiling. It still hurts real bad that you're not here though.

Your mama misses you and loves you so much.

2011-11-24T09:58:00.001-05:00

I've been at a loss for words lately. Well maybe not entirely, there is one beautiful word that plays over and over in my head… Liam.

Sometimes it's LIAM, i'm yelling his name at the top of my lungs, and other times it's an aching whisper flowing straight from my heart… Liam.

I miss him so much.

After I hit "publish" on my last post, I cried and cried. I cried for my son who's in an urn on our fireplace mantle, I cried for how absurd and unnatural that was, I cried because this is my reality now, i'm the mother to a dead baby, I cried for only being able to give my son such a brief life, I cried for the future I had envisioned for him, the future I had envisioned for us, and I cried because i'm so lost without him.

It's been difficult to come up with the words that describe how i'm feeling and what my world is like now. I thought that I could share photos on my blog until the words came to me but I haven't picked up my camera in a month now. The last photo I took was of our pumpkin. Our backyard was aglow with beautiful afternoon sunlight so I placed the pumpkin in the grass and snapped away, and I was pretty happy with my shots. I uploaded the photos to the computer and while I was looking them over I got angry, what the heck was I doing taking photos of a pumpkin when my son just died? I was so ashamed of myself. Within a few days I stopped doing everything that I enjoyed, writing, taking photos, yoga, cooking, some days I even stayed in bed all day long feeling sorry for myself. It was a real pity fiesta. So I didn't feel much like writing here and if I did i'm not sure how much sense I would have made, not to mention i'd probably scare everyone away.

I had a session with my grief counselor last week who told me that I wasn't going crazy {hallelujah}, that I was entitled to a pity party now and then, and she said something that stuck, "you can only heal what you're willing to reveal". When I got home from our session I started to write, and then I logged into my blog and I wrote some more. The feelings and words are pouring out of me like a river and i'm thankful for this place to let them go.

This is my life now, sometimes i'm happy, sometimes i'm sad, and right now i'm mostly sad. But i'm trying to work on things and trying to learn how to be a good mama to Liam because right now i'm doing everything for him, including getting out of bed in the mornings.

12 weeks.

2011-10-31T10:30:00.001-04:00

It's been 12 weeks since I lost my baby boy, 12 weeks since I left the hospital empty handed and 11 weeks since our son came home in an urn that sits on our mantle. Liam was still inside me when the nurses asked what we wanted to do after he passed away. I was in shock so Justin took care of all the arrangements over the phone with the funeral home. We've since talked about spreading Liam's ashes on a mountain, in a beautiful field or in the river that we visit so often, but his ashes along with just a few photos, his hospital outfit, hat and blanket are all that we have of our son so for now he will stay on our fireplace mantle. For now he's in the right place, he is close to us and I need him close by.

This weekend I closed up my garden and cut down all the herbs and whatever flowers were left. My unkept garden had never bloomed as beautifully as it did this Summer. Despite all the weeds, wild flowers grew thick and tall, rosemary twisted and turned, dill zig zaged, oregano travelled, chives bursted and sweet basil continues to thrive in the chilly weather. When I got home after spending a month in the hospital, Justin asked me to come out onto the back porch and look at my garden. The seeds that I had planted in June had more than just survived, without any care they grew strong and wild.

While I had my hands in the dirt this weekend, pulling out roots and cutting down stalks, the tears poured. Any neighbors who may have seen or heard me in my backyard kneeling down in my blubbery state probably thinks that i've gone and lost my mind. And sometimes I think I am losing my mind. My sadness comes and goes in waves, it sneaks up on me when I least expect it {how am I going to go back to work next month and not make a spectacle of myself?} but i'm riding the waves as best I can and trying to do right by Liam. I think he'd rather look down and find a sane mama than a crazy mama weeping over her garden.

I'm drying my rosemary, dill and oregano for winter soups and stews, and all the wild flowers have gone into vases and onto our mantle next to Liam's ashes.

along the way.

2011-10-24T20:02:00.001-04:00

Leaves crackling under my feet, sunlight peeking into the woods and hearts spotted by the water.

Wishing you a week full of simple moments and treasures friends.

october 15.

2011-10-15T09:26:00.001-04:00

This morning i'm hugging a cup of coffee by the window. Some days my heart aches so bad for Liam the pain is unbearable, and other days i'm in yoga class pushing myself through the poses and finding energy and hope buried deep inside. Yoga has been good these days. Walks and picture taking have been good too.

Did you know that today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day? I didn't until I became a mother to my angel boy. Tonight J and I are lighting a candle at 7pm to honor our son for the Wave of Light. If you'd like to light a candle at 7pm (in your time zone) for Liam too that would be beautiful. If we keep our candles burning for at least one hour there will be a continuous Wave of Light around the world and I think Liam and all the other angel babies up in heaven will find that beautiful too.

vermont.

2011-10-11T16:26:00.001-04:00

This weekend we hiked, hopped, breathed and held hands.

I hope you're enjoying the season where you are.

these days.

2011-10-07T15:17:00.001-04:00

You know how much I love nature and that's exactly where you'll find me these days, breathing in the fresh autumn air, taking in the changing of colors and letting thoughts flow by the river. Today the sun is shining, the sky is blue and a beautiful hawk flew by to say hello.

Happy fresh air filled weekend friends.

yesterday.

2011-09-26T15:36:00.001-04:00

Yesterday we went for a walk and soaked up any remaining bits of summer. We also ran into some feathered friends. There are good days and bad days, and yesterday was good.

Thank you for your visits and for leaving such caring messages, I hope that you know how much they mean to me.

Have a peaceful week friends.

hope.

2011-09-01T08:03:00.001-04:00

Thank you to those who left us such thoughtful comments, Justin and I are feeling everyone's support during this difficult time and it means a lot.

It's incredibly touching to know that i'm being thought of by such kind people across the miles, most of whom i've never even met but who care enough to send comforting emails and the most genuine and loving telephone message. Ladies whom i've connected and created beautiful bonds with through our blogs and whom i'm sincerely grateful to have in my life.

I started this blog a year ago for an escape and for fun, a place where I could share my husband's beautiful photos, my own photos and where I could write about things that make me happy. It didn't take very long for my blog to get personal, real personal. That wasn't what my blog was about in the beginning but things change, life changes, and I have to say that spilling my guts here has felt good.

This past year and a half, J and I have been dealt a certain infertility card, which until recently our baby boy proved the doctors wrong. I had close to 6 of the absolute happiest months of my entire life carrying Liam inside of me and I shared every moment of it here on my blog. Now, i'm faced with the most painful thing that has ever happened to me and i'm sharing the loss of our Liam. I've read all about the stages of dealing with the loss of a baby, first there's sadness, then anger, guilt and finally acceptance. Right now i'm feeling the deepest sadness that i've ever known, i'm feeling guilty, angry and i'm trying to understand my incompetent cervix/body. But while i'm feeling all of these things, I haven't lost hope. Hope is my light, it keeps me going and keeps me dreaming that I will one day carry a baby again and bring him or her into this world healthy. The doctors are giving me hope too, they say that we could do things differently next time, that we'd have a better chance of getting me further along in my pregnancy now that we know everything there is to know... that has been really tough to hear, losing our Liam in order to bring another baby into the world is so cruel and unfair.

My time in the hospital wasn't easy, everyday had it's ups and downs, but so many people filled up my room with hope and support. My parents visited me every day, twice a day, and they were like rays of sunshine every time they stepped through my door. My mom helped me wash myself every morning and helped me keep a fresh mind for the day ahead with her pep talks and readings of inspirational passages from her books. My dad gave me wonderful leg and foot massages and just having him sit next to me reading the newspaper made my hospital room feel a little more like home. Justin was with me every night, traveling from his work downtown to the hospital to comfort me while I know that he needed comforting himself. My girlfriends visited and called me every day, and every time we said our goodbye's or hung up the phone, I felt as though a weight was lifted. I know that my pain is shared by many, there are so many people who were hoping and praying for Liam to make it. Just knowing that I have all these supportive and amazing people in my life, who are there no matter what, to talk or to listen, day or night, has been a huge comfort to me. I'm finding comfort in writing too, my girlfriend brought me a journal while I was in the hospital and writing has helped me release some of the pain. And I cry a lot, the tears just come but I let them out no matter where I am and nobody makes me feel embarrassed about it.

So, losing a baby and infertility (I am still considered infertile because I can't carry a baby to term) are things that i'm dealing with, these are delicate subjects I know, but using this place to let go of some of the weight feels good. Thank you for reading, sharing your own experiences with me and for caring.

a sad update.

2011-08-17T08:20:00.004-04:00

I've been staring at my computer screen for awhile now, not knowing how to start this post, so i'll just tell you what's happened in my world this past month.

On July 11th, I started bleeding and ruptured and was rushed to hospital for emergency surgery. My amniotic sac was ballooning out of my cervix so the doctor gently pushed it back in, inserted two cerclage sutures for reinforcement and sewed me closed. A few days later my water broke in the middle of the night, I reopened but it was what they called a "slow leak" so enough amniotic fluids would remain for baby Liam to continue to grow. The doctors discovered that I have a deformed uterus, it's the shape of a heart and is what's called a bicornuate uterus. Because of the lack of space, Liam stayed put comfortably on my left side but this caused too much pressure on my weak cervix and is why I ruptured when he became heavier at 5 months. Unfortunately my bicornuate uterus was detected later in my pregnancy, had the doctors known about it sooner they would have performed the surgery earlier on and put me on bed rest as soon as I became pregnant. But because my cervix would now remain open until I delivered, I was high-risk so the doctors kept me on strict bed rest in the hospital for the rest of my pregnancy. Every day, three times per day, the nurses monitored Liam's heart and these were my favorite times of the day... getting to hear my baby's strong heart beat was music to my ears and soul. I also had one or two ultrasounds every week to monitor the fluids which was another favorite time because I got to see Liam do things like make big stretches, reach his little hand straight up {the doctor said he was waving hello} and once he sucked on his thumb during the entire examination.

On August 4th, the leaking became steady, every 15 minutes I felt a trickle down my leg, but the doctors said that there wasn't anything that they could do. The ultrasound showed that enough fluids remained and that Liam was still safe. The following day the leaking continued and that evening I developed a fever. Then the contractions started, I was going into preterm labour. The doctor said that the sutures needed to be removed, that I had an infection and both Liam and I were no longer safe. At 23 weeks and 2 days, they told J and I that they couldn't save our baby and that they wouldn't resuscitate him once I delivered. I delivered Liam the following afternoon, he breathed on his own for 1 hour and 29 minutes before passing away.

My heart is broken in one million pieces, there are no words for how I feel. I miss him so much, I miss feeling him move inside of me, his movements filled me up with so much love. I miss his kicks, his gentle nudges, us taking turns poking at each other, playing, bonding. We were together in that hospital bed every day for a month, Liam fighting on the inside developing himself and me fighting on the outside nourishing us and trying to remain as still as possible. We needed to hold on for just a few more weeks the doctors said, Liam would have a chance of survival at 25 weeks. We were so close.

Rest in peace my beautiful baby boy... Liam Lucarelli, August 6, 2011

reflecting.

2011-07-08T06:17:00.005-04:00

There's a stack of pregnancy books piling up on my night table but I haven't felt like reading any of them yet. I'm so thankful for friends who've given me books, movies and documentaries, but right now i'm listening to my body and enjoying the butterflies fluttering about in my belly. I'm 19 weeks now, i'll be half way through my pregnancy this time next week. Time is flying!

Every morning, the first thing I do is look at myself in the mirror, my body is changing so fast now. I haven't experienced morning sickness, nausea or cravings, so it's really only now, looking at my reflection in the mirror and seeing my belly getting rounder with life, that it feels more "real". I love being pregnant and mama's keep reminding me that the best is yet to come. I can't wait.

I think i'll take a bike ride to the lake and start one of my books this weekend... what are your plans?

18 weeks.

2011-07-04T08:07:00.006-04:00

I'll always remember week 18 for two reasons: my belly is officially starting to pop and i'm feeling the baby move now, tiny flutters in my belly! Hello baby! I can't make out the movements but it makes me so happy to think that there are stretches, yawns and even smiles happening inside me right now. I'm touching my stomach more too, a natural instinct i'm sure, that and the fact that i'm incredibly proud of this blooming belly of mine and will show it off any chance that I get :) J randomly touches my belly too which I find is the sweetest. And this weekend the lady at the dry cleaners even went for a touch and in her beautiful thick Lebanese accent she said "boy, I think boy". I'll always remember her too, she was so genuine and confident in her prediction.

There have been loads of predictions lately, the ladies at Tim Hortons say it's a girl, some friends and co-workers say boy, others say girl. My dad is the cutest one of all though, he's absolutely positive it's a girl. He has this whole theory that since he had two girls (my sister and me) and J had two girls (Bianca and Alicia) so obviously i'm having a girl too right! But we only have a few more weeks until we find out, or "cheat" as my doctor likes to put it ;) We figure this pregnancy has been the biggest and best surprise ever, so why not cheat a little now right?

2 & 1/4 of us.

2011-06-27T06:27:00.004-04:00

I'm still a calm & zen vacationing kind of Tash these days, the daily grind hasn't gotten to me yet. I know that baby has lots to do with it too, my heart is so full and happy that I guess it will just take a whole lot more than usual to get me down or stressed out. This weekend J was annoyed with the regular stuff like traffic, finding parking at the grocery store, long line-ups at the cash, etc. and I was like his personal little buddha calming him down every time ;) Vacationing J is long gone but it's okay, we balance each other out.

Vacation is the best though and don't we work so hard all year long for these few little weeks of freedom! Our trip to Mexico renewed us and even brought us closer together as a couple. Sitting by the ocean talking about baby, baby names, etc. was pretty special. It was a different kind of trip of course, we didn't care about making new friends or socializing all that much, it was all about the two of us, or rather the 2 and 1/4 of us ;) One night we were walking back to our room from a fabulous dinner and I was saying how beautiful everything was {I must have said that at least twenty times a day} and J said let's take a photo. It was midnight and pitch dark and I had no idea how he was going to pull it off but he came out of our room with the camera, tripod and a flash and took this photo. It's one of my favorites. For us, it has so much meaning. We laughed running back and forth to see how each photo turned out and then I cried when I saw this one because I loved it so much. I cry more these days, i'm a little nutty I guess but it's always happy tears :)

Have a great start to the new week friends! And thank you so much for your lovely comments on our trip!!

tulum.

2011-06-22T19:17:00.014-04:00

Mexico took my breath away more times than I could keep count, and especially so during our visit to the Tulum ruins. While we are all about vacationing and kicking up our heels, we also wanted to get to know the country and some of it's history so we took a taxi from the resort and headed to the closest ruins. J and I were in awe while we walked through the ruins and listened to the tour guide tell us about the incredible history of the Mayan people. We fell in love with the home of Ixchel, the goddess of fertility, where you can still see the engravings on the walls of a baby and a woman giving birth in the squatting position. Mayan women used to leave gifts outside her door in exchange for her blessings, and standing in front of her home with baby bump in tow felt very special for us. Then there was the Tulum beach just beneath the historical cliff. It was glorious and all I wanted to do was jump into those waves!

My husband took such amazing photos during our trip, i'll always have the memories in my mind yes, but we have these beautiful images that we can always look back on as well. Love you J!

viva mexico.

2011-06-20T23:06:00.013-04:00

Hola! What can I say, our trip to Mexico was something straight out of my dreams; the people, culture, history, sparkling beaches, delicious food, I fell in love with it all!

Everyday I ate fresh fruits, sea food, yummy gazpacho soup and the best guacamole i've ever tasted. We ate like champs and my growing bump is proof that baby enjoys Mexican cuisine as much mama does! A few of the resort staff joked that there's a little Mexican in my tummy, ha!

It was my first time in Mexico but definitely not my last, J and I are already planning to go back with our little coconut {baby's new nickname}. I can't wait to show he or she the world, but if i'm going to do that then I have to go back to work and make some money, so it's back to reality now!

Happy Monday!

mexico & curry tuna wraps.

2011-06-08T20:10:00.006-04:00

Thanks so much for your lovely wishes!! Our little lemon drop has already brought us so much happiness, J and I are constantly giggling and taking peeks at my growing belly :)

We're celebrating of sorts with a trip to Rivera Maya, Mexico next week, we figure it's a perfect time to get away during my second trimester and before J's busy wedding photography season starts full force. Things can get pretty hectic at our house in the summers with J juggling two jobs, so we're planning on enjoying every minute of Mexico!

I took this week off of work too and i've been spending most of my time in the kitchen and outdoors in the garden, my two favorite spots. Today for lunch I made curry tuna wraps, a recipe that my good friend Claudia introduced me to when we were roommates back in the day. I've been making them ever since, it's such a quick and easy meal, not to mention super healthy and super delicious too. I love Indian spices so if I can incorporate them into my every day meals then i'm a happy camper.

Curry tuna wraps (makes 4 wraps)

4 tortilla wraps
2 cans of dolphin friendly tuna (drained)
3 tablespoons of mayonnaise
1 tablespoon of curry powder (add according to your taste buds!)
1 generous handful of fresh raisins
Additional mayonnaise to spread on wraps (optional)

** In a bowl combine all your ingredients. Spread on wraps, roll them up, serve with a summer salad and enjoy!

an announcement.

2011-06-06T18:29:00.018-04:00

i've been keeping something under my hat guys!

i'm bursting with joy, over the moon, happy to announce that i'm pregnant!

I've dreamed of this for so long and after a year of doctor visits, tests and a surgery to remove a tumor growing in my uterus, the doctors said our only chance was by invitro. 2010 was an emotional roller coaster ride for us, so we decided to leave it in the hands of God. Well God has blessed us with this incredible gift, i'm due on December 4, so the absolute best Christmas gift ever!

This baby is already being photographed and documented, J wouldn't have it any other way of course :) I'm not one for having my photo taken but i'm diving into this experience fully and completely, so I gave the hubs the green light. Let the baby bump photos begin!

memories & banana bread.

2011-05-30T06:22:00.008-04:00

Thank you for your kind words and for sharing your own stories of loss... it's not everyone that can understand that a pet is apart of your family so your words have meant so much. If you have furr kiddos running around the house right now, please give them big hugs for me!

I'm missing Shiraz terribly, he filled up our hearts and home with so much love. I miss the simple things like when i'd make the bed and he'd take a run for it between the covers, or how he and I would share a midnight snack of cheese and crackers, goat cheese was his favorites too :) The hubs and I are constantly saying "remember when Shiraz did this or that?" He is so incredibly missed.

But i'm also trying to concentrate on the good things that are going on in my life because there happens to be some amazing things happening right now too. I can't wait to tell you more but for now I wanted to tell you about the banana bread that I made this weekend. After a tough week, I decided that some comfort food was in order so banana bread it was. I followed Martha's recipe and it was banana yum. What are your favorite comfort foods?

goodbye.

2011-05-22T10:27:00.006-04:00

This is a difficult post to write... our Shiraz passed away last Thursday. It all happened so fast, literally within just a few days. He stopped moving, eating and talking, we knew that something was very wrong. The doctors were stumped at first, his little body was shutting down and everything was going so wrong so fast. After a slew of tests (blood work, ultrasound, biopsy from his liver, x-rays, etc.) he was diagnosed with a rare and fatal disease called Amyloidosis. This disease attacks the liver, kidneys and then passes to all other major organs which was exactly what was happening to poor Shiraz... The doctor's at the clinic said that they knew about this disease but most had never actually seen it, it's a rare and hereditary disease only found in Abyssinian and Siamese breeds and it can skip many generations. They kept telling us how unlucky we were and at first that's exactly how we felt, all we could think was how unfair this all was. But we know how incredibly lucky we were to have had him in our lives, even if it had to be for such a short time. We had last pick of the litter when we brought him home 4 years ago, but we always felt like we had won the lottery because everyone else overlooked the most amazing cat! He was so special, i've never bonded with a pet like I did with baby Shiraz... he woke me up every morning, sat with me while I ate, waited in the bathroom while I showered, stood on the counter top while I brushed my teeth {he loved the smell of minty toothpaste!}, came to the front door when I left for work and waited patiently at the front window when I returned home. He followed us everywhere and just wanted to be close to us, anywhere we were, Shiraz was there too.

I've been so lucky and so blessed to be his mama for the past 4 years and I will always remember each day that I got to spend with him as an amazing gift.

I love you and I miss you so much Shiraz xox...

rain & cookies.

2011-05-16T06:20:00.009-04:00

It rained all weekend but I must admit I loved having the excuse to stay indoors. I like a rainy weekend now and then, the sound of rainfall is soothing and good for the soul. Behind our house we have a large pond (an overflow from nearby Mille Îles River) and in it lives frogs, turtles and ducks. At night we fall asleep to the music of crickets and frogs humming and in the morning we wake up to the sound of ducks quaking. There's even a pair of geese that have been dropping by in the early mornings lately and they honk honk honk non-stop, I always wonder what they're saying!

But I needed to be somewhat productive this weekend, can't just laze around listening to rain and ducks all day long! So I baked oatmeal raisin cookies, they're good for the soul too right!

I followed this recipe and they turned out très délicieux! Cookies with milk and the sound of rain... it was a good weekend yes. How was yours?

weekend bits.

2011-05-09T06:24:00.007-04:00

It was a bit chilly this weekend but that didn't stop us from heading to our local ice cream shop to share a yummy banana split :)

The hubs and I also took a trip to Little Italy and picked up everything we needed to make dinner for my mom yesterday. We prepared veal cannelloni's, fennel sausages, grilled eggplant and cannolis for dessert. Gracias por toda mama! Feliz dia de las madres!

To the mom's reading, I hope you were celebrated and showered with love yesterday too!

timelapse.

2011-05-06T06:18:00.006-04:00

Phenomenal timelapse by Montréal motion photographer, Dominic Boudreault. City meets nature, stunning!

Happy happy friday!

bloom.

2011-05-02T08:20:00.005-04:00

The sun shined for us all weekend long in Montréal, it was glorious! I bought these two white tulips, best 6$ spent. I can't help myself when I pass by a flower shop, even if I only end up taking two flowers home, it's always such a treat.

How was your weekend?

weekend.

2011-04-25T13:09:00.009-04:00

This weekend there was a dark chocolate bunny {he didn't last very long}, this movie with my best girlfriends {so good!}, my dad's birthday {happy birthday dad!!}, this movie with the hubs and Alicia {breathtaking!}, homemade biscotti {yum!} and a gorgeous walk in the country. I couldn't have asked for a lovelier weekend.

My sister and I decorated these eggs when we were kids and my mom brought them out for Easter. I can hardly remember decorating them but i'm thinking that me and my sis were quite the little artistes :)

How was your Easter weekend?

grow.

2011-04-18T18:09:00.003-04:00

This weekend I planted Thai basil, chamomile (which blooms into pretty flowers too), cilantro and dill seeds in cans and nifty plantable pots which i'll transplant into my garden come June. My garden puts a big smile on my face and really, is there anything better than picking fresh ingredients right from your own backyard?

PS: Shiraz was a fantastic supervisor :)

Happy new week!

surprise.

2011-04-15T06:20:00.002-04:00

J surprised me with 3 lovely tulips yesterday, just because. I adore the orange with touches of yellow, beautiful! Good choice hubs :)

Happy friday!

spring beauty.

2011-04-11T06:23:00.002-04:00

What a lovely weekend we had, the sun was shining, the birds were chirping and everyone seemed to be walking around with big smiles on their faces. And yes, I was absolutely one of those smiley people :)

I hope your weekend was lovely too!

hello spring.

2011-04-08T06:22:00.009-04:00

It's finally starting to feel springy here in Montréal, after 3 days of constant sunshine, the snow banks are shrinking and the ground is becoming visible again. J and I have seen Canadian geese flying home from down south every morning this week too! They always manage to take my breath away flying in their perfect V formation, aren't they amazing? The icy layers on the lakes are also giving way and making some room for the ducks to play in again. Yes, Spring is here and these little guys look just as happy about it as I am.

Happy friday friends!

bodyguard.

2011-04-04T06:19:00.003-04:00

The mister has been in San Francisco for work this past week and returns home today, so this weekend it was just me and baby Shiraz. Aside from taking plenty of cat naps with this silly little guy, there was loads of reading, cooking and spring cleaning. The week has felt super long but Shiraz never left my side and if there was the slightest noise or movement in the house, he was all over it ;)

Happy new week!

weekend bits.

2011-03-28T06:25:00.005-04:00

Why did the Duck cross the playground? Answer: To get to the other slide.

I read this in a Vermont grocery store during a trip last month and it stuck. Actually shopping in the grocery stores in Vermont made me think about food in a different way, it made me question where my food comes from and what does it stands for. I'm so happy that we've been making an effort to buy more local ever since, it really feels great supporting small farms rather than the big factory farms.

My mom also recently gave me a great cookbook and so far i've made two delicious recipes, Moroccan meatballs with couscous and Thai mango chicken with vegetables. Both were complete hits with the family, healthy and delicious, love that.

Hope you had a lovely weekend!

cabane à sucre.

2011-03-21T18:07:00.002-04:00

In true Québecois tradition, we headed to a cabane à sucre {sugar shack} this weekend. Alicia {my adorable step daughter} and I were so ready to roll our popsicle sticks in the warm syrup laid out on the snow, or as we say in french "la tire"... yum! It was maple syrup heaven but even me and my big sweet tooth could only handle this once a year.

I hope your weekend was sweet too, and happy Spring!

japan.

2011-03-18T06:23:00.003-04:00

Japan has been in my constant thoughts and prayers this past week. There really are no words for what happened and what the people of Japan must be going through. I've tried to imagine it and I can't. Every night my husband and I are glued to the TV watching the news and every morning we check the latest news from our iPhones on our train commute into work. Their tragedy has made me think a lot and certainly puts things into perspective.

I have a wonderful weekend planned with my family and I know how blessed I am that everyone I love is healthy and safe. I wish the same for you and yours this weekend, and always.

shiraz: the wine + the cat.

2011-03-14T06:23:00.005-04:00

Woo! Was that one fast weekend or is it just me? I spent time with my girlfriends, parents and husband, so a great weekend but it just feels like it went by way too fast. My mister and I tried a wine that we brought home from the U.S. a few weeks back and I nearly fell off my chair because it was so good. I'm no wine connoisseur but I know what I like and what I don't like, and this one I liked a whole lot.

How was your weekend?

crush.

2011-03-09T06:19:00.005-05:00

I have a big crush on farms with values like Echo Farm. Their cows have names, not numbers, in fact you will find the cow's name who produced your product on the label! We picked up Royal's rice pudding and Miracle's chocolate pudding while in Vermont last week and I swear they tasted that much yummier because we knew they came from such goodness.

The way that most farm animals are raised today is appalling and i'm being more conscious about where and who I buy my food from. I'm trying to find more products from certified humane farms here in Quebec but unfortunately it's not as easy as I thought. But in Vermont grocery stores it seemed to be the norm to find eggs from cage-free chickens and meats from animals who weren't confined to crates and stalls. I really hope that more and more farmers adopt Echo Farm's values and respect for their animals here across the border. You can find a list of certified companies here.

mini moon cakes.

2011-03-07T06:22:00.007-05:00

Happy monday! Last week I went away for 3 days so this weekend was all about catching up on laundry, groceries and errands. Isn't it crazy how you need a vacation from taking a vacation?! Well i'm all caught up and it feels great. The hubs and I even had time for some picture taking and enjoying our favorite treats from Chinatown.

Are you ready for a new week?

the hills are alive.

2011-02-28T17:14:00.007-05:00

My mister whisked me away for three days in beautiful Stowe, Vermont to celebrate my birthday. We stayed at The Trapp Family Lodge {as in the von Trapp family of the movie The Sound of Music} which was such a treat, what a lovely area full of rich history. The grounds at the resort are endless and absolutely breathtaking. We bundled up, grabbed our snowshoes and off we went!

sunshine reggae pancakes.

2011-02-21T06:28:00.007-05:00

We've made these spiced coconut pancakes twice now, and it only keeps getting better. This time we swapped the nutmeg for cinnamon, and topped them with sliced banana, yum! I started humming Bob Marley's Sunshine Reggae song and voilà, our nickname for these delicious pancakes ;) This is as close to the tropics that i'll be getting in awhile and I enjoyed every minute of it. On another note, the hubs surprised me with random tulips this weekend, love that! We woke up the next morning to what was a Shiraz attack, umm didn't love that. No flower is safe in our home, the only plant left standing is our Rosemary and everything else has been shipped off to my mom's {aka: the plant whisperer} house where she brings my plants back to life. Does anyone have any tips or suggestions on what to do when your sweet little kitty cat destroys all your beautiful flowers and plants?

bicyclette.

2011-02-18T06:20:00.004-05:00

Today we're getting our first taste of spring weather, woot woot! I officially have visions of long bike rides in the country dancing in my head. Love these retro bicycles, so pretty!

Happy day!

crush.

2011-02-16T06:20:00.005-05:00

I have a crush on original artwork. Plus I can't stop dreaming about spring flowers.

happy day.

2011-02-14T06:20:00.008-05:00

Happy valentine's day! I hope your day is filled to the brim with sweet love.

There was no shortage of treats at our house this weekend and this little chocolate lava cake didn't last very long after it had it's picture taken ;)

How was your weekend?

shiraz.

2011-02-07T06:26:00.005-05:00

I can't imagine life without this guy, he's my baby, my Buddha and the best little listener in town :) Shiraz watches the door close behind me every morning when I leave for work and waits by the front window every night when I come home. He follows me around the house {even to the bathroom!}, cuddles with us on the sofa when we watch TV and sleeps at our feet at bedtime. I loved Lynn's recent post about her cats on her wonderfully charming and pretty blog, and I related completely. Our pets are such important parts of our lives and they fill our hearts up with so much love. Do you have a pet?

february.

2011-02-04T06:19:00.003-05:00

Ahhhhh February, the month of love sweet love. My husband took this beautiful photo last month and it made my heart skip a beat.

Happy {sweet sweet} weekend!

duck, duck, goose.

2011-01-31T06:21:00.008-05:00

I have a soft spot for geese and ducks. Every weekend I visit and feed a flock of about 50 ducks and one goose who tough out the harsh winters together in the river near my house. My goose (I call him mine, it's coucou I know) has a broken wing and can't fly but his duck friends keep an eye out for him and never leave him behind. Did you know that geese and ducks mate for life? I adore the devotion they have for one another. Mated pairs look out for each other during the course of their lives and one mate will even stay by the other's side if injured or dying, even if the rest of the flock is moving on. I think my goose lost his mate, and I think he got shot at and hurt, and these little duckies welcomed him into their group with open wings :)

delicious.

2011-01-26T06:20:00.004-05:00

A dash of cheerfulness {and deliciousness!} on a chilly and snowy Wednesday. xo

staying warm.

2011-01-24T06:24:00.005-05:00

It was a ridiculously cold weekend here in Montréal, the type of weather when all you want to do is stay indoors by the cozy fireplace and watch season 1 of Mad Men which is exactly what I did. Do you watch Mad Men? It's so good, i'm hooked!

spring dreaming.

2011-01-21T06:21:00.003-05:00

It's so cold and snowy out but everywhere I turn i'm being reminded that Spring is on it's way. The shops have put out their colorful, lighter Spring collections and I must say the thought of retiring my winter boots and heavy coat makes me very happy. These Springy lovelies make me happy too.

happy happy weekend!

poetic.

2011-01-19T06:19:00.005-05:00

This is my favorite ad. Ever. Bruno Aveillan (director & photographer) is brilliant.

wintertime.

2011-01-17T06:22:00.007-05:00

Hello! Bonjour!

Yesterday we went on a wintery walk in Mont-Orford, one of our beautiful national parks in Québec. We hiked around this dreamy lake, named Étang aux Cerises (Cherry Lake). It was snowing lightly and the scene was positively magical.

How was your weekend?

1234.

2011-01-14T06:13:00.005-05:00

I don't know about you but i've been counting down the days till the weekend. 1234, here we go! This version of Feist's song always puts a big smile on my face :)

happy {cheery} weekend!

weekend bits.

2011-01-10T06:25:00.004-05:00

We took our Christmas tree down yesterday, all signs of the holidays are gone aside from our pantry being full to the tippy top with Christmas cookies, chocolates and candies. I must cut down on sugar so today the sweets are going straight to my work office for my co-workers to enjoy. While I packed up the Christmas decorations it was a good excuse to get rid of a few things that we don't use anymore and donate them. Shiraz followed my every move, he almost seemed sad to see our Christmas tree go too. He's so nutty my cat and has to know every single thing that goes on in "his" house ;) Our home feels rather bare now but a clean-up felt great. I ended it all off with some herbal tea, it's my newest thing, i've switched coffee for tea in the evenings. I'm sleeping better and feeling better too. 2011, so far so good!

How was your weekend? What did you do?

sonia + eric.

2011-01-06T18:16:00.010-05:00

Last month I shared my love for my husband's recent photography work and I thought i'd share some more of Sonia and Eric's engagement photos. I have a new found love for wintery e-sessions, the result was fun, cozy, romantic photos, plus Sonia and Eric are just so darn cute too!

new year.

2011-01-03T09:49:00.004-05:00

Happy happy new year!

I have high hopes for 2011, I think it's going to be just great. I'm not one for new year's resolutions but as I get older i'm realizing more how time flies so I want to get more out of the time I have and make each day count. This year I want to take time to do more of the things I love like cooking, taking photos, getting outdoors, taking off on random road trips, spending time with the people I love and meeting new people. And I can't forget blogging, it's become this new wonderful outlet for me in so many ways. My day just wouldn't be the same with visits to my favorite blogs that inspire and push me to get into my kitchen and pick up my camera more often. So I guess I do have resolutions after all ;) What are your resolutions?

feist.

2010-12-30T08:49:00.006-05:00

Being on vacation is the best, a girl could get used to this ;) I'm catching up on so many things that i've wanted to do, including watching Feist's documentary Look at What the Light Did Now. Have you seen it? Oh what an amazing film about her journey and so beautifully shot. She is quite the artiste! Well i'm a fan, if you didn't already notice that by my profile photo ;) A couple of years ago I asked my husband to help me recreate her The Reminder album cover for fun. I recently dished the photo out which I had forgotten all about, we had such a laugh trying to get the pose right.

I'm off to enjoy more vacation time, I hope that you're catching up on things yourself and wishing you a lovely new year!

merry and bright.

2010-12-23T17:45:00.009-05:00

Happy holidays to you and yours!

I can't wait to enjoy everything that this wonderful season has to offer, and take time to reflect on the year that is about to end and the fresh new year ahead. I've had so much fun joining the blog world and have met so many inspiring, lovely people! Your visits have been truly loved, looking forward to seeing you in the new year!

{image by besimo}

winter wonderland.

2010-12-16T06:29:00.011-05:00

My husband photographed Sonia and Eric's e-session during a lovely snowfall last week, it was exactly what the couple wanted, snowy engagement photos leading up to their winter wedding in March. Their photos turned out so romantic and magical, i'm especially loving this one!

It's been snowing here every day so far, we are so having a white Christmas. And Christmas in only 9 days?!? *Eeeek!* There aren't enough hours in the day, my list isn't getting any shorter and I only seem to be adding things to my constant list! This weekend I hope to finish my shopping and wrapping, and then all I want to do is plop myself on the sofa and watch my favorite Christmas movie Love Actually with a nice glass of wine :)

sparkle.

2010-12-13T20:08:00.017-05:00

Shiraz insisted on being in at least one of my tree photos :)

We finally added a bit of sparkle to our little tree this weekend, all that's left is finding a star for the tree top. There were lights on our tree, but they stopped working so we've decided that our tree is going au naturel this year. I would love to add more color and decorations around the house but time is flying by and I still shopping to do, gifts to wrap, cookies to bake with the girls and plan our Christmas dinner. I can't believe that Christmas is next week! How is your holiday planning coming along?

willie nelson's famous banana bread.

2010-12-09T06:27:00.012-05:00

I don't know if this is Willie Nelson's recipe or if it's one of his favorites, but when I read that it was also the ultimate banana cake, aka UBC, over on Everybody Likes Sandwiches {love this blog!} well, I had to try this recipe. Oh my gosh, the UBC turned out absolutely delicious! The top a cinnamon and sugary crust and the inside full of banana and chocolate yumminess. The cake was a hit with these two little ladies (our girls Alicia and Bianca), so i'll be baking it again real soon.

warm and cozy.

2010-12-06T19:39:00.014-05:00

This weekend we bought a real Christmas tree for the first time! We haven't had time to decorate it yet but it's no more than 4 feet tall and just the cutest little tree. I did get around to filling up a few vases with pinecones which I scatter around the house. I usually just bring a bit of the outdoors indoors and keep my decorating very simple and natural.

My hubs was busy with event photo shoots {'tis the season} all weekend long so last night we plopped ourselves on the sofa in front of the TV to watch our favorite show, Dexter (sooooo good!) with two big cups of hot cocoa. The fireplace was going and our little tree was looking so darn cute. I was looking around feeling so blessed for my home and for my fantastic husband, who made the hot chocolate by the way. He followed this recipe. Real chocolate... dangerous.

How was your weekend?

vintage style.

2010-12-03T06:27:00.009-05:00

I love all things vintage inspired. Aren't these just the prettiest hair accessories?

happy friday!

homemade granola.

2010-12-02T06:22:00.009-05:00

I sure do love warm butter croissants for breakfast but {unfortunately!} I can't have that every day. Another one of my favorite things for breakfast is a big bowl of yogurt topped with fresh granola. We are big on the yogurt in my family and my homemade granola always goes real fast. Here's my recipe although you can toss in chopped figs, dates, raisins, sliced almonds or whatever else you like really... it always turns into absolute goodness.

homemade granola

2 cups large rolled oats
1 cup chopped pecans
1 cup chopped walnuts
1 cup dried cranberries
1 cup shredded coconut
1/2 cup sunflower seeds
1/2 cup flax seeds
1/2 cup pumpkin seeds
1/2 cup pure maple syrup
1 tbs vanilla extract

Mix all the ingredients and spread evenly on a baking sheet lined with parchment paper. Bake at 350 degrees for 30 minutes or until brown and a little bit crispy. Toss and check periodically.

the little things.

2010-11-29T06:27:00.023-05:00

Oh yes, it's the little things that make my day...

Mini french canadian butter tarts

This little guy who didn't leave my side all of last week when I was homebound

And these little goodies that are getting me revved up for Christmas in oh, only T-27 days!!

loveliness.

2010-11-26T08:54:00.003-05:00

This video makes me smile every single time I watch it. So pretty and magical, a little loveliness for a {snowy and rainy} friday.

happy weekend!

comfort food.

2010-11-23T11:40:00.012-05:00

I love desserts that are made with healthy ingredients and goodness. I've mentioned that my mom is fantastic baker before {and that I unfortunately missed out on her baking gene} and how lucky we are that she loves to make our favorite desserts. Well, i'm at home this week, on the mend, and my mom popped by for a visit with an entire cake, and my absolute favorite too, carrot cake. It's carrot cake heaven really, and my mom makes it perfectly with added pineapple, orange zest and juice, raisins and topped beautifully with toasted coconut shavings. Mmmmmm! A perfect treat.

holiday app.

2010-11-18T19:59:00.008-05:00

Today I received the loveliest Cartogram, a little hello message from my monsieur, and it totally made my day! I'm loving these holiday vintage inspired Cartograms, too cute right? There's an app for everything, but I must say this is the prettiest app that I've seen.

eat.

2010-11-17T18:40:00.012-05:00

My mister and I have our new dining table and chairs all picked out and i'm too excited to bring them home. I have visions of Christmas brunches and dinners {at our new dining table, yee!} dancing in my head. Here and here is how i'm dreaming things will look like come Christmastime at our house. What's inspiring you for your holiday decorating?

sweet.

2010-11-15T18:14:00.013-05:00

How was your weekend? We started to decorate the house and turned on our fireplace for the first time this season. I must say i'm feeling quite festive! We went to IKEA to look for a new dining room set and seeing all their holiday decorations made me so happy. I didn't bring home my table and chairs {yet!} but I did stock up on my favorite Swedish treats!

emma's picks.

2010-11-12T06:25:00.058-05:00

Nobody likes a good book like my best friend Emma. We've been friends for over 20 years now (how time flies!) and ever since I met her she's been a bookworm. She reads about one book per week, and with two kids (Zoe and Quinn), a full time job and a home to take care of, i've no idea where she finds the time! Well, I asked Emma for a good winter book recommendation, and I asked for a list of her favorites to share on my little blog too. I hope you find it useful and inspiring, I know that i've adored her recommendations for all these years. Oh, and my winter read will be Sarah's Key: A Novel by Tatiana De Rosnay. I'm heading to the bookstore this weekend to pick it up, yay!

Emma's {lovely} picks

Fiction
Outlander by Diana Gabaldon

Biography
A Bed of Red Flowers: In Search of my Afghanistan by Nelofer Pazira

Girly
Something Borrowed by Emily Giffin

Semi-Science Fiction
The Host: A Novel by Stephenie Meyer

Teen
Twilight (series) by Stephenie Meyer

Tween
Little Women by Louisa May Alcott

Children's
Where The Wild Things Are by Maurice Sendak

happy reading and happy weekend!

gifted.

2010-11-09T19:47:00.008-05:00

I recently discovered this fantastic on-line magazine. If you haven't already seen it, then get ready to be inspired.

homemade.

2010-11-08T12:56:00.022-05:00

This weekend I made a batch of cranberry scones and followed this recipe from Annie's Eats. Well, we gobbled them all up, the scones turned out delicious if I do say so myself.

dancing shoes.

2010-11-05T06:21:00.005-04:00

These shoe accessories are too pretty.

happy happy friday!
x

très chic.

2010-11-03T06:29:00.013-04:00

I'm loving the dark walls, bold colors and eclectic pieces in this Toronto home. How glamourous don't you think?

yummm.

2010-11-01T06:25:00.010-04:00

My weekend seemed to revolve around the kitchen and yummy foods... hot apple cider, lotsa cheese and my last fix of pumpkin pie. Oh and I can't forget to mention that we woke up to snow yesterday too! Not that i'm ready for winter just yet, but aren't first snowfalls the prettiest?

fringe.

2010-10-28T21:09:00.006-04:00

How adorable right? Here is the super easy DIY from City Cradle Design. I know I'd love a fringe fabric cake topper on my next birthday cake!

happy friday!
x

pine.

2010-10-26T22:02:00.011-04:00

This weekend we visited a pine plantation up north with Alicia, my cutie pie step daughter. What a lovely time we had walking in the woods and through all the pine trees. It was so quiet, the smell of pine was heavenly and the mossy earth under our feet was so soft and cushiony. Ali said she was bouncing with every step *smile*. We brought home any stray branches that we came across and filled up every single vase and jar in the house. Well, our home officially smells like Christmas now... hmmm, how soon is too soon to put up your Christmas tree?!

french pastries.

2010-10-25T06:30:00.014-04:00

I was quite inspired to cook up a lovely breakfast this weekend but it was rock n' roll at our house, so instead I bought frozen already made butter croissants from a french gourmet bakery, tucked them into the oven, and voila! I also picked up some yummy Madeleine's and along with a big cup of French Vanilla Green Mountain coffee, well, I don't think there could be a lovelier little breakfast.

Hope your weekend was delicious too!

pancakes.

2010-10-21T21:30:00.010-04:00

Aren't these photos lovely? I'm officially inspired for the weekend.

happy friday!
x

fat toad farm.

2010-10-19T20:55:00.019-04:00

I love goat cheese so I was super excited to visit Fat Toad Farm, a small family-run goat diary farm in Brookfield, Vermont. Justin and I were welcomed by Boo, the family dog, and we followed the signs to the goats, too cute *smile*! We had such a lovely visit with the goats and we met Siena, an intern at the farm, who took some time away from cooking several big batches of Cajeta, a goat's milk caramel, to talk to us about the farm. The smell coming out of her kitchen was pure heaven, we couldn't wait to try it, and it tasted just as wonderful as it smelled. Their chèvre is also quite incredible, so light and fluffy with a slight tang, it's my new favorite and i'm only sorry that we didn't bring more home with us!

Thankfully Vermont isn't too far away from home and i'm already looking forward to our next visit.

i left my heart in vermont.

2010-10-18T19:34:00.004-04:00

No words needed... all those gorgeous colors, fresh mountain air and laid back country living, can you really blame me?

road trip.

2010-10-14T21:47:00.008-04:00

The hubs and I are going on a mini holiday in Vermont this weekend and I couldn't be more excited! We've been doing this road trip every fall since we met, and Vermont's beauty and charm keeps us coming back for more. We're taking a new route this time and hope to discover new towns, farms, markets and shops along the way. I'm already planning to bring home Vermont cheddar and goat cheeses, lotsa Green Mountain coffee and any other goodies that I come across!

happy weekend!

hello cupcake.

2010-10-11T19:22:00.029-04:00

I'm not much of a baker but I broke out my mixer this weekend and made birthday cupcakes for my mom. I chose a super easy vanilla cupcake recipe, topped them with coconut shavings and sprinkles and *phew* they turned out delish. My curious cat Shiraz insisted on being a part of the action too of course!

x
tash

happy thanksgiving.

2010-10-07T22:14:00.014-04:00

Yay for long weekends! This weekend is extra special because it also happens to be my mom's birthday, so lots to celebrate! Is there anything better than enjoying a festive meal and spending time around the dinner table with the people that you love?

These EmersonMade table linens have totally inspired me, aren't they pretty? Happy thanksgiving and happy long weekend!

fabulous fall.

2010-10-03T20:47:00.008-04:00

The leaves have started to fall here in Montreal, and the colors have changed to brilliant reds, oranges and golden yellows. It's such a pretty time of year and a perfect reason to throw on a jacket and take a nice long walk. I had a fabulous afternoon outdoors and feel fully re-charged and ready for the week ahead.

I hope your weekend was fabulous too!

may + alex.

2010-09-29T21:58:00.012-04:00

Justin photographed this beautiful wedding last weekend and we're in the midst of going through all the images which is always so much fun. Here are a few of my favorites so far!

x
tash

la-z sunday.

2010-09-27T20:05:00.022-04:00

The hubs and i enjoyed such a lovely lazy sunday. What do you like to do on lazy days?

x
tash

sunday breakfast usually includes waffles with loads of fresh fruits

hanging with my silly cat shiraz

jamie oliver always inspires my cooking

a perfect sunday afternoon movie

alfajores.

2010-09-24T19:37:00.017-04:00

Alfajores makes me think of home and my Uruguayan mom makes them best I think! The combination of cookie, a hint of lemon, creamy dulce de leche and coconut is pure melt in your mouth magic.

Here's the recipe, Uruguayan-style of course! I hope you will enjoy them too.

buen provecho!

Ingredients:
250 g unsalted butter, room temperature
300 g granulated sugar
3 egg yellows and 1 whole egg
1 tablespoon pure vanilla extract
Zest of 1 lemon
450 g cornstarch
150 g yellow cornmeal (very fine)
200 g all-purpose flour
1 tablespoon baking powder
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
600 g dulce de leche, store-bought
200 g coconut flakes

Directions:
Preheat oven to 375 degrees. line baking sheet with parchment paper
In a bowl, mix butter, sugar, 3 egg yellows, 1 egg, vanilla + lemon zest
In 2nd bowl, mix all your dry ingredients and working in batches, add dry mixture to the butter mixture bowl. Mix together using your hands until dough forms, about 4-5 minutes
Wrap dough in saran wrap and put in the fridge for one hour
Remove cold dough and using a pastry cylinder make cookie rounds 1 cm thick (makes about 30). Place on baking sheet about 2cm apart
Cook for about 15 minutes or until golden
Let cookies cool and then spread dulce de leche and sandwich cookies together. Roll cookies on their sides in the coconut
Makes about 15 large cookies

celebrate peace.

2010-09-21T07:01:00.023-04:00

Today marks the UN International Day of Peace, a day of global ceasefire and non-violence. How will you celebrate Peace Day?

http://www.peaceoneday.org/

welcome fall.

2010-09-20T20:30:00.014-04:00

I don't know about you, but i'm ready to dive into fall!

x
tash

my lovely friend jules knitted me this scarf, isn't it gorgeous?

fresh flowers in colorful cans

pumpkin patches

adding layers and textures for fall

apple crumble with a scoop of vanilla ice cream of course!

summertime.

2010-09-15T22:25:00.055-04:00

With summer drawing to a close, i've been thinking about what this season has meant to me. What does summer mean to you?

x
tash

Two years ago I married the most wonderful man on a beach in Jamaica. We eloped and it remains the most exciting thing i've ever done and the absolute best day of my life. We came home and re-married, this time in front of 30 of our closest family and friends in a park by the lake. I am forever blessed to have had not only one, but two dream weddings!

My husband and I run a wedding photography business. Justin is the genius behind the lens while I assist and work mostly behind the scenes. I love going through photos after a shoot, and these photos of Tracy and Phil's beautiful summer wedding made me want to get married all over again!

It just wouldn't be summer without a splash of color! Essie makes such pretty colors don't you think?

TOMS shoes are cute, comfortable and for a great cause. Buy a pair or two and support underprivileged children around the world.

Fresh Sugar Lemon perfume is my instant pick me up!

I visited Niagara-on-the-lake, Ontario for the first time this summer and discovered some gorgeous Canadian wines.

evelyne + daniel.

2010-09-13T19:20:00.057-04:00

Such a stunning e-session don't you think? Evelyne and Daniel tie the knot next month, a masquerade themed wedding at a wine vineyard, now you know that will make for some more gorgeous photos!

x
tash