August 6, 2020

9 years

He died 9 years ago. In my heart, I believe that he was holding on as much as I was fighting to keep him inside of me. He wasn't ready to leave my body. And suddenly, within less than a few hours from the doctor's last check-up, I developed a fever and i was told he had to come out. I remember the doctor's words — There isn't anything more we can do. It was seeing the end before the end. It was the most terrifying feeling in the world. 

In that moment, after all those days and nights of trying desperately to keep him inside my body and advocating for him, I just went quiet. I lost my voice, my strength and myself. I remember rubbing my tummy incessantly in concentrated circles trying to process "the end before the end". I wondered if he knew something was wrong? Surely he felt my heart beating faster and faster. Surely he heard our pleads and cries, mine, his father's and his grandparents? Did he hear the words i whispered through my whole body over and over, "i'm sorry, i'm so sorry."

It was the most helpless feeling I have ever known in my whole life. I was given no choice, no option but to let him go and i couldn't do anything to stop it.

But when he died, I never let go. Nine Augusts have past and i still haven't let go. I just like knowing that i'm going to always hold on to him, keep him close in any way that i can, until i go myself.

This year, we did not get to do anything to remember him. I spent all of August 6 in the hospital where i received an acute lymphoblastic leukemia diagnosis. I've been in the hospital ever since. 

There are so many feelings in August. It's his month, his season. His. Always.


For Liam. I love you and miss you every single day. 

Love, Mommy