April 29, 2013
Leif, this is sunrise.
This is the river.
Those are ducks.
That's a heron.
These are your hands.
And your fingers.
That's your mouth.
They are your grandparents.
They are your step sisters.
He is your brother.
His name is Liam, and one day, I will tell you his story.
April 24, 2013
March 6, 2013
Leif Everett Lucarelli was born on January 18 at 12:27am. He looks like his father and brother, and is just the sweetest little boy.
My time away from this space has been filled with so much gratefulness and wonder and love. There are moments when I can still hardly believe that he's here safe in my arms.
I'm sorry that things have been quiet around here and for my lack of responses. I've been adjusting to life back on my feet and breathing in every moment with the newest member of our family. Thank you for your support and thoughts and emails. I'm slowly getting back into the swing of things and I can't wait to share more soon.
/Dr. B placed Leif on my chest and in that moment I breathed, really breathed, for the first time in a long time. "We did it", I whispered over and over as I soaked every inch of him in.
I've been marvelling at him ever since.
January 15, 2013
2012 was both hard and amazing at the same time.
When I reflect back, I can hardly believe how far i've come.
From a second failed IVF treatment in March to conceiving naturally 7 weeks later to threatening to miscarry at 6 weeks to cervical cerclage and 30 weeks of my life spent in bed.
What a crazy, terrifying, amazing, bittersweet journey.
The stitches that held my cervix closed and kept my second son safe in my womb were removed last week.
I walked out of the hospital with a smile on my face and a lump in my throat.
The removal was another hard and familiar step in this pregnancy.
Every day, every hour, every minute, as I grow this baby I think of Liam.
Contractions started up strong last night and eased off this morning.
My body is getting ready for labor any day now.
We are ready to meet our second son.
Thank you so much to those who are checking in and thinking of us.
I'm sorry for being quiet here in this place of missing and hoping and waiting, and not really knowing how to articulate it all.
You can also find me over on Instagram, if you'd like to join me @Suite994.
December 28, 2012
After spending over 7 months in bed, this part of my pregnancy journey is coming to an end.
The cerclage will be removed in 11 days, and then i'll be allowed up on my feet.
My doctor says I might go into labor soon after the stitches come out.
Baby has stayed put way low and all scans since 20 weeks have shown him head down.
The pelvic pressure has been pretty intense throughout my entire pregnancy and i've been spotting here and there.
Dr. B says we can't afford any problems and that I need to keep a close eye on discharge and bleeding because it could signal an infection.
So I continue to lie very still in bed.
I continue to quietly count the days.
We desperately want a happy ending… this time.
We hope Liam's little brother will arrive safely on the other side very soon.
/Liam's tree and second Christmas ornament.
/16 steps from my bed to the bathroom. 16 steps back. But I always stop to take peeks of my growing belly.
November 11, 2012
In this moment, my heart is filled with so many emotions. There's amazement and gratitude and hope.
We've waited a long, long time for 28 weeks.
Thank you so much to those who are checking in and hoping with us.
October 25, 2012
We are at 26 weeks. He has an 80% chance of survival now.
Of course I know it isn't just a matter of being at a certain gestation. I know there are so many factors that play into whether a baby will survive.
Here in Montréal, doctors typically start using intensive medical intervention to try to save a preemie at 24 weeks. Last year, we missed the cutoff point by just a few days. The morning before I went into labor, the doctor told us that we would be transferred to a hospital with a neonatal intensive care unit in two days time. I developed a fever that evening and the contractions started. Liam was born the next afternoon. He was perfectly healthy and stronger than the doctors thought, but they didn't have the necessary equipment to help him. Liam never got his chance. My beautiful, brave little boy never got his 30%.
I have no idea what tomorrow will bring, and really, neither do you. Nobody knows what will happen even in the next moment.
But here I am 26 weeks pregnant. This is huge for us. Every week is a milestone, and after 19+ weeks of bedrest, i'll take the statistic. I'll take the 80% and whatever else is next.
People ask about the bedrest and how i'm feeling.
I do everything lying on my side. I'm not allowed to sit up. I get up only to use the bathroom. I take one seated shower per week for a maximum of 10 minutes. I take progesterone hormones to help prevent premature labor. I take medication to help prevent blood clots. I take stool softeners and suppositories. I take 7 different vitamins. I call my doctor every week to update her on how i'm doing. For appointments, J carries me to the car and lies me down on the backseat to transport me.
There isn't anything fun about this pregnancy. I depend on others to care for me. I worry all the time. I'm brittle. Tired. This living week-to-week and counting down and watching my every move in this bed is exhausting. Physically, mentally and emotionally, i'm drained.
But I know why I need to stay very still in this bed. I know who i'm doing this for, and i'm beyond grateful for him every day.
\Giving him every chance
\Handmade dream catcher by Séverine, a lovely Montréal artist. She weaved two crystals into the web, one for me and one for my baby