August 6, 2020

9 years


He died 9 years ago. In my heart, I believe that he was holding on as much as I was fighting to keep him inside of me. He wasn't ready to leave my body. And suddenly, within less than a few hours from the doctor's last check-up, I developed a fever and i was told he had to come out. I remember the doctor's words — There isn't anything more we can do. It was seeing the end before the end. It was the most terrifying feeling in the world. 

In that moment, after all those days and nights of trying desperately to keep him inside my body and advocating for him, I just went quiet. I lost my voice, my strength and myself. I remember rubbing my tummy incessantly in concentrated circles trying to process "the end before the end". I wondered if he knew something was wrong? Surely he felt my heart beating faster and faster. Surely he heard our pleads and cries, mine, his father's and his grandparents? Did he hear the words i whispered through my whole body over and over, "i'm sorry, i'm so sorry."

It was the most helpless feeling I have ever known in my whole life. I was given no choice, no option but to let him go and i couldn't do anything to stop it.

But when he died, I never let go. Nine Augusts have past and i still haven't let go. I just like knowing that i'm going to always hold on to him, keep him close in any way that i can, until i go myself.

This year, we did not get to do anything to remember him. I spent all of August 6 in the hospital where i received an acute lymphoblastic leukemia diagnosis. I've been in the hospital ever since. 

There are so many feelings in August. It's his month, his season. His. Always.

For Liam. I love you and miss you every single day. 

Love, Mommy

January 18, 2020

January 11, 2020

September 13, 2019

invitation


Oh do you have time
to linger
for just a little while
out of your busy

and very important day
for the goldfinches
that have gathered
in a field of thistles

for a musical battle,
to see who can sing
the highest note,
or the lowest,

or the most expressive of mirth,
or the most tender?
Their strong, blunt beaks
drink the air

as they strive
melodiously
not for your sake
and not for mine

and not for the sake of winning
but for sheer delight and gratitude –
believe us, they say,
it is a serious thing

just to be alive
on this fresh morning
in the broken world.
I beg of you,

do not walk by
without pausing
to attend to this
rather ridiculous performance.

It could mean something.
It could mean everything.
It could be what Rilke meant, when he wrote:
You must change your life.

-mary oliver

August 6, 2019

8 years


We love it here.

Leif says he wants to live in Vermont when he gets older,
Oh my goodness he sounds just like me sometimes.

J and i have been coming to this spot since we met and before babies and
when i was pregnant with Liam and after he died and now with Leif.

There are a lot of memories here and we are making more,
Adding them to the others.

For Liam.





July 20, 2019



Every year is different and yet it is exactly the same.