September 1, 2011


Thank you to those who left us such thoughtful comments, Justin and I are feeling everyone's support during this difficult time and it means a lot.

It's incredibly touching to know that i'm being thought of by such kind people across the miles, most of whom i've never even met but who care enough to send comforting emails and the most genuine and loving telephone message. Ladies whom i've connected and created beautiful bonds with through our blogs and whom i'm sincerely grateful to have in my life.

I started this blog a year ago for an escape and for fun, a place where I could share my husband's beautiful photos, my own photos and where I could write about things that make me happy. It didn't take very long for my blog to get personal. Very personal. That wasn't what my blog was about in the beginning but things change, life changes, and I have to say that spilling my guts here feels good.

This past year and a half, J and I have been dealt a certain infertility card, which until recently our baby boy proved the doctors wrong. I had 6 of the absolute happiest months of my entire life carrying Liam inside of me and I shared every moment of it here on my blog. Now, i'm faced with the most painful thing in the world and i'm sharing the loss of our child. I've read all about the stages of dealing with the loss of a baby. Sadness. Anger. Guilt. Acceptance. Right now i'm feeling the deepest sadness that i've ever known, i'm feeling guilty, angry and i'm trying to understand my incompetent cervix. But while i'm feeling all of these things, I haven't lost hope. Hope is my light, it keeps me going and keeps me dreaming that I will one day carry a baby again and bring him or her into this world safely. The doctors are giving me hope too, they say that we could do things differently next time and that we'd have a better chance of getting me further along in my pregnancy now that we know everything there is to know... that has been really hard to hear, losing our Liam in order to bring another child into the world is cruel and unfair.

My time in the hospital wasn't easy, everyday had it's ups and downs, but so many people filled up my heart with hope and support. My parents visited me every day, twice a day, and they were like rays of sunshine every time they stepped through my door. My mom helped me wash myself every morning and helped me keep a fresh mind for the day ahead with her pep talks and readings of inspirational passages from her books. My dad gave me wonderful leg and foot massages and just having him sit next to me reading the newspaper made my hospital room feel a little more like home. Justin was with me every night, traveling from his work downtown to the hospital to comfort me while I know that he needed comforting himself. My girlfriends visited and called me every day, and every time we said our goodbye's or hung up the phone, I felt as though a weight was lifted. I know that my pain is shared by many, there are so many people who were hoping and praying for Liam. Just knowing that I have all these supportive and amazing people in my life, who are there no matter what, to talk or to listen, day or night, is a huge comfort to me. I'm finding comfort in writing too, my girlfriend brought me a journal while I was in the hospital and writing has helped me release some of the pain. And I cry a lot, the tears just come but I let them out no matter where I am and nobody makes me feel embarrassed about it.

Baby loss and infertility are a part of my life now. These are my truths, and using this place to let go of some of the weight feels good. Thank you for reading, sharing your own experiences with me and for caring.

They say



  1. Natasha it is so good to hear that you have had so much love and support from your family and friends throughout this very traumatic last few weeks. You are in my thoughts. Please stay strong and keep hoping. xxx

  2. I've been thinking of you the last couple of weeks. I'm so glad you've got hope. xx

  3. I really can't find words to express how sorry I am for your loss. I hope you and your husband can lean on one another for support until the acceptance starts to make life feel normal again. I can feel your love for Liam, and I hope you can take comfort in the fact that he was loved so much for every second of his life. Take care.

  4. You have articulated your emotions so beautifully here, Natasha. You have been in my thoughts and prayers. I'm so happy you have the love and support you need to guide you through this sad, life changing experience. This can only make you stronger, cling on to that hope as tightly as you can and take it one day at a time. Just feel what you feel and don't think about what or how you should be feeling.

    That quote is perfect, Liam is in a wonderful place. xx

  5. Natasha I'm sending you all my love.

  6. So beautifully written.
    You are in my thoughts and prayers too. x

  7. i'm so grateful to have met you Tash, the bond is strong and deeply felt across all these miles. the loss of Liam is so gutting, so incomprehensible and surreal. you have been enveloped by everyone who loves you, let them carry as much weight for you as they can. i know you're a "do it myself" kinda girl and like to keep some control in your periphery but now is the time to give it all in to the supportive ways your fams and friends can provide.

    your soul is beautiful Natasha and even though it's in turmoil i'm glad to know the faith light is there. the things your doctors have told you sound hopeful but also bittersweet when Liam had to be the one to make them take more notice. i'm so sorry it went this way, you're in my prayers every night and my thoughts every day. xoox ♥

  8. i am so sorry to read this, I can't imagine what you are going through.

  9. Oh sweet girl, that poem gave me chills. I know it's true for your Liam. Thinking of you often.

  10. We don't understand why things happen in our lives but someday we will.
    One thing I know for sure is that you are so brave to share Liam with us and that your story will help some other sweet soul going through a similar situation. Life is hard and my heart is feeling sadness for you all.

    Your poem fills us all with hope....Hugs sweet one xoxoxoxoxoxxo

  11. Oh Natasha I am so so sorry. We have finally completed our move...I was going to contact you before we left, since you hadn't blogged in so long...and I was thinking of you, hoping all was well.
    I will be thinking of you and your family. I don't have the words - I wish I did. I am just glad to hear about all the support you have.

  12. Natasha I am so sorry i am just now reading this. I can not imagine what you are going through. I have no words. I am just truly sorry. Let me know if you need anything at all. Much love friend.

  13. Just coming by to let you know that I´m thinking of you, hugs!

  14. I am so sorry to hear that. I am praying for you.
    Natasha, our friends lost their first son too. It was a very hard time for them, for their family and friends. Right now after five years they have two sons. These friends are my age. What I want to say - Please, don't lost your hope.

  15. Natasha, if you want or need to talk to my friends I can give you their e-mail or telephone number. Dear friend, everything will be OK.

  16. dearest natasha, for some reason i though your blog and been shut down, i think i even wrote that to you. your words and the journey are so familiar yet i know that every experience, reaction, plan is different.
    i cry often, in may we found news about our own fertility that changed my world in a crushing manner. yet i can not help but have hope for every birth is magical whether it is easy or complicated, life is a miracle and if miracles happen whether through the help of technology or faith one must always have hope, lately i say maybe iw ill meet my child when she or he is two years of age or maybe when he is four....

  17. darling Natasha,

    I read your post about Liam and, truth be told, I just didn't know what to say. I couldn't articulate, at the time, a cuddle or a blessing or a reminder that one day hope and happiness will return to you. So here they are now x

    I'm so pleased to hear that you're crying big tears, that you're letting it all out and you're not ashamed of any of it. That takes almighty strength and honesty.

    There's a book that you might like to read - I know it has helped and comforted many women who have shared similar experiences to you. I have a copy and would be more than happy to send it to you..all you have to do is email me your address and it will be on its way.

    Om shanti, om peace lovely one x