mother's day 2021

 

The immensity of his presence and his brother's absence.

Today is not an easy day. 

Not for so many, and for all different reasons.

What i will say is TIME is precious. 

I am lucky Leif is alive.

I am lucky to still be alive.

I have learned far too many lessons to live life—no matter how short or long it may be

in any other way than as fully as possible.

serious reflection

The memories of these days seven years ago are so hard.

On this day seven years ago...

On this day, Liam was kicking and moving around in my belly.

He was growing perfectly perfect.

I was horizontal and desperately trying to keep him inside my body.

six

Who would he have been at One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six?

What color would his eyes be, his hair, the sound of his voice, his laugh, what would his favorite book be, song, movie, superhero, what would his relationship be like with his brother, what would their sibling love be like, how would our family's story be unfolding with him in it...?

I miss Liam exactly the same as I did on the day I pushed him into the world and waited for him to die. My arms still ache to hold him, to feel the weight of his body against mine, to smell him, to breathe him in. I still close my eyes at the end of a long day hoping to meet him in my dreams.

Liam, i'm so sorry you aren't here with us.

We had this acrylic print done for his Fifth.

For Liam.

five years old

This year, we took a gondola ride up Mount Mansfield. Leif was completely in awe as we soared
into the clouds covering the mountain top. Look mommy, we going in the sky!

What can I say that I haven't already said before?

We've been doing this trip for four years now, and we'll keep going back for as long as we can.

This place makes us feel closer to him.

For our son who forever changed our lives.

For five whole years without him.

For Liam.


/images taken by dad

time

How have nearly five years gone by?  Where does the time go?

Because his time didn't go to life and all the changes that it brings.
Because I will never know who he was and all that he would have grown up to be.
Because I will always love him and miss him and wonder about him.
Because nothing has changed. He is always missing.

My firstborn son, my darling Liam, you will never be forgotten.

the beach

Whenever I pick him up at school with his wagon, he asks to go to "the beach". It's
a spot on the Rivière-des-Mille-Îles, about 10 minutes from our house and his school.

He likes to throw stones into the water and before we leave, he always chooses one to
take home.

After his Summer replacement teacher gave me a quick update on his day, she asked if

he was an only child. I said yes, with a lump in my throat. She told me she thought so
and explained all the ways it was obvious to her.

I've been getting this question more and more lately. The Is he your first? has now
turned into Do you want more? and Is he an only child? I've been answering these types
of questions for 3 1/2 years and it never gets easier. Today's came during the
hardest time of the year for me.

                                          *

We threw stones into the river and then I stood back and waited because it was time

to head home.

I watched and imagined his big brother crouched down beside him studying the pebbles

on the beach.

It's so easy to imagine.

If he'd lived, Liam would be turning five.

I will forever wonder about him and what life would have been like with him in it.

I wish I could say it gets better or easier, but it doesn't.

5 years ago.

Happy, sad. Full, empty. Lucky, unlucky.
So many emotions.
Long day. Long night. Long month.

autumn 2015.

The leaves are falling from the oak and maple trees in the backyard. They dance their way down to our feet. Leif stomps on the crisp leaves and laughs — Mommy! Crunchy, crunchy!

While I close up the garden he fills the feeders and calls out to the birds — Common Chickadee! Cardinal! Wren! Common Bluejay! Common Woodpecker! 

It is a beautiful bright autumn day. The colours are bursting red and gold and brown. It looks like an oil painting.

I stand under the tall oak, the leaves drifting and spiralling in the wind, and I think about seasons and time and him and you.

I think about you.

Always, my love.

three.

Every day I long to hold him.


He should be here.


He should be three.


/some photos from his birthday

two.

We do meaningful things

and visit a meaningful spot.

It is his day.

A day for rituals

and reflection.

I think about what Liam's life means to us

and all the ways he's changed me.

I remember why we are right here right now

and the little boy who is not.


+++


In Toronto, candles are lit

and two balloons hang next to his picture frame.

Photos of Liam are posted on his aunt's Facebook wall

and messages of remembrance are exchanged.

Justin shows me each one

and my tender heart swells.

He is remembered and missed and loved.


+++


Liam is gone

but he is very much a part of each and every day.

He is a part of us.

His story is weaved into his brother's,

into mine.

I carry one of my sons in my arms

and the other one in my heart.


+++


August 6 is the anniversary of our first son's birth.

Liam would be two years old now.

I miss him so much.

I love him so much.


/some photos from his birthday

▲▲▲

When I walk, I walk with you. Where I go, you're with me always.


-Alice Hoffman



/ Mount Mansfield, Vermont

▲▲▲

Leif, this is sunrise.

This is the river.

Those are ducks.

That's a heron.

These are your hands.

And your fingers.

That's your mouth.

They are your grandparents.

They are your step sisters.

He is your brother.

His name is Liam, and one day, I will tell you his story.

reflecting.

2012 was both hard and amazing at the same time.

When I reflect back, I can hardly believe how far i've come.

From a second failed IVF treatment in March to conceiving naturally 7 weeks later to threatening to miscarry at 6 weeks to cervical cerclage and 30 weeks of my life spent in bed.

What.a.journey.

What a crazy, terrifying, amazing, bittersweet journey.

//

The stitches that held my cervix closed and kept my second son safe in my womb were removed last week.

I walked out of the hospital with a smile on my face and a lump in my throat.

The removal was another hard and familiar step in this pregnancy.

Every day, every hour, every minute, as I grow this baby I think of Liam.

//

Contractions were strong last night and eased this morning.

My body is preparing for labor any day now.

We are ready to meet our second son.

//

Thank you so much to those who are checking in and thinking of us.

I'm sorry for being quiet here in this place of missing and hoping and waiting, and not really knowing how to articulate it all.

You can also find me over on Instagram if you'd like to join me there @Suite994.

update.

After spending over 7 months in bed, this part of my pregnancy journey is coming to an end.

The cerclage will be removed in 11 days, and then i'll be allowed up on my feet.

My doctor says I will likely go into labor soon after the stitches are removed.

Baby has stayed put way low and all scans since 20 weeks have shown him head down.

The pelvic pressure has been pretty intense throughout my entire pregnancy and i've been spotting here and there.

Dr. B says we can't afford any problems and that I need to keep a close eye on discharge and bleeding because it could signal an infection.

So I continue to lie very still in bed.

I continue to quietly count the days.

We desperately want a happy ending… this time.

We hope Liam's little brother will arrive safely on the other side very soon.


/Liam's tree and second Christmas ornament.

/16 steps from my bed to the bathroom. 16 steps back. But I always stop to take peeks of my growing belly.

\\\

We are at 26 weeks. He has an 80% chance of survival now.

Of course I know it isn't just a matter of being at a certain gestation. I know there are so many factors that play into whether a baby will survive.

Here in Montréal, doctors typically start using intensive medical intervention to try to save a preemie at 24 weeks. Last year, we missed the cutoff point by just a few days. The morning before I went into labor, the doctor told us that we would be transferred to a hospital with a neonatal intensive care unit in two days time. I developed a fever that evening and the contractions started. Liam was born the next afternoon. He was perfectly healthy and stronger than the doctors thought, but they didn't have the necessary equipment to help him. Liam never got his chance. My beautiful, brave little boy never got his 30%.

I have no idea what tomorrow will bring, and really, neither do you. Nobody knows what will happen even in the next moment.

But here I am 26 weeks pregnant. This is huge for us. Every week is a milestone, and after 19+ weeks of bedrest, i'll take the statistic. I'll take the 80% and whatever else is next.

\\\

People ask about the bedrest and how i'm feeling.

I do everything lying on my side. I'm not allowed to sit up. I get up only to use the bathroom. I take one seated shower per week for a maximum of 10 minutes. I take progesterone hormones to help prevent premature labor. I take medication to help prevent blood clots. I take stool softeners and suppositories. I take 7 different vitamins. I call my doctor every week to update her on how i'm doing. For appointments, J carries me to the car and lies me down on the backseat to transport me.

There isn't anything fun about this pregnancy. I depend on others to care for me. I worry all the time. I'm brittle. Tired. This living week-to-week and counting down and watching my every move in this bed is exhausting. Physically, mentally and emotionally, i'm drained.

But I know why I need to stay very still in this bed. I know who i'm doing this for, and i'm beyond grateful for him every day.

\Giving him every chance

\Handmade dream catcher by Séverine, a lovely Montréal artist. She weaved two crystals into the web, one for me and one for my baby

23 weeks.

I've been quiet lately

Turning inward

Gathering myself

Ticking off each day, each week

As we inch closer to our 28-week goal

We had this same exact goal last year

We counted down each day, each week

Until we had to stop counting at 23 weeks and 3 days

On the 4th day, Liam was born, and died

What a hard\strange\sad\happy time this is

\\\

I spend my time reading, writing and meditating. "My womb is safe. My baby is safe". I spend my time with a small number of people who are able to be with what is.

I talk to Liam everyday. I talk to his little brother kicking and turning about in my belly too. I'm doing the best that I can and trying to get through this. I don't think I can describe this pregnancy in any other way. There is fear and hope and love. So much love for both my boys. The one who I wish was here, and the one who I hope doesn't come for a little while longer.

It is the 6th of August 2012

Today is Liam's first birthday

I miss you and love you so much my darling


\\\ Thank you to Anna, artist and babylost mama, who did Liam's portrait for us. We will treasure it forever and can't wait to hang it on our wall.

\\\

The cervical cerclage was placed on Saturday evening

And after spending 4 days in the hospital, we're home

I'm on strict bed rest with bathroom privileges now

Justin and my parents do everything

I'm so thankful for them

\\\

As I grow this new life

And hope for this pregnancy to hold

And as we approach Liam's first birthday

There are so many thoughts and feelings swirling around

It's the strangest mixture of emotions that i've ever experienced

And I can't seem to be able to put any of it into words

So for now I just want to say thank you

For your thoughts and hopes and for journeying with me from afar


\\\ Holding on very still

\\\ Missing so very much

\\\

Today I just want to say hi

And thank you

For being there

Wherever your there is

This world can feel so big and lonely sometimes

But I never feel that way here

\\\ Flowers magically appeared in Liam's garden last week. It was a mystery until our neighbor came around to tell us that he planted the flowers early one morning. He said he hoped that we didn't mind, but that he and his family wanted to contribute to Liam's little garden. We are incredibly touched by this family's gesture.

\\\ I'm allowed out of bed and to the sofa once a day, so I wait until J gets home from work. This is me taking in some lovely afternoon sunlight. Please excuse the PJ's and greasy hair. Such is bed rest.

At 11 weeks, the baby's heartbeat continues to be good and strong. Next week's cervical cerclage is huge for us. It's hard to believe that this time last year, only days a part, I had the same procedure done to try and save our Liam.

We're hoping for a successful cerclage next week, and for this life to continue to grow strong.