***

I don't get to talk about Liam very much anymore. Usually, i'm the one who brings him up, and I do, not all the time but I need to talk about my son. I carried him for 6 months, I spent a month in the hospital fighting to save him, and now I'm missing him with all my heart. He's my son. How could I not talk about him? But I realize that most people would rather ignore the truth when the truth is hard. It's easier to ignore Liam's life or try to sugar coat his death by saying something {so completely awful} like "it just wasn't meant to be". Someone told me that during the holidays. As she hugged me she whispered those words in my ear. I'd like to mention that she's a mother of two. A part of me wanted to tell her that she should be careful about what she says, that we're talking about my child here, his name is Liam and he most definitely was meant to be and did in fact be. But I just didn't have the energy to get into it. Especially a few days before Christmas.

That same evening, I went to my support group meeting where I join four other babylost mothers every month in a church basement. In this place our children are safe and they're always acknowledged as they should be. Our group leader asked us about the gifts our babies brought us and when it was my turn to talk about Liam's gifts, my list was longer than I had expected. I kind of surprised myself as I was speaking, it took someone asking me to say aloud all his gifts for me to realize that to this day Liam continues to bring me gifts. He's changed me in so many ways, he's opened up my eyes and even my broken heart to this cruel world. Liam has taught me what's really important in life and how we really don't know what tomorrow will bring. He's taught me not to sweat the small stuff, life is really too short for that. He's taught me that i'm a strong woman but I have my limits and I don't have to be strong or "better" for other people. And Liam continues to teach me about the type of person I want to be and the open, honest and meaningful life I want to lead. In so many ways, my son is teaching me how to really live. I left my meeting with new thoughts to take into the new year. Good thoughts.

It was a hard year. The worst. But i've promised myself to make more of an effort to remember the hope and love and harmony that my son brought me. I won't pretend or deny the pain and guilt and anger that surrounds Liam's death, but I will try to find a balance. I know that people will continue to say hurtful things but I also know that it's my job to protect my son's life and memory. What type of a mother would I be if I didn't want to protect my child?

I want to thank each of you who continues to join me here. I really can't express my gratitude enough for listening, being there and for sharing with me. This blog has been a healing place, i'd even add it to my list of therapies right along with my psychologist and support group. It's a place where i've been able to set my heart free and keep Liam's memory alive. And that feels so good.

Wishing you peace, love and light for the new year friends.

sunday.

At the end of an afternoon that included lunch at our favorite Indian restaurant, take away samosas for later, holding hands, random street art and hot cocoa, we plopped down on the sofa with our cat Ziggy. Me on my iPad, J on his laptop and Ziggy happily tucked between us. Me surfing the blogs, J on Fstoppers and Ziggy purrs filling every corner of our little living room. This is more or less what our Sundays looks like. Us. Living quietly. Missing terribly.

The night ended with a lit fire, wine, those samosas and the season finale of Dexter.

Then I touched my son's urn and went to sleep.


** I found these angels in a little shop last month, they're Christmas presents for Liam's great grandparents, grand parents and aunt and uncle.


*** This is Ziggy. We adopted him last month. 

yesterday.

Yesterday we went for a walk and soaked up any remaining bits of summer. We also ran into some feathered friends. There are good days and bad days, and yesterday was good.

Thank you for your visits and for leaving such caring messages, I hope that you know how much they mean to me.

Have a peaceful week friends.