love.

These are some shots from an afternoon spent in Old Montreal. We walked on old cobblestone streets. We explored. Reflected. Photographed.

The last time we visited this part of the city I was 3 months pregnant and we were celebrating J's birthday. We went out for dinner and then we walked to the Old Port. We stopped to look at the boats and circus tents and talked about how awesome it was going to be to do all these things with our baby. Now we walk the same streets and talk about how awesome things would, could and should have been.

Losing Liam has changed everything in my life. I've talked about how everything is different, but there is one thing that has remained the same and that's my love for Liam. I loved him every minute of every one of the 163 days he lived inside me. I loved him the day he was born and died. And I continue to love him 9 1/2 months later.

I'm still pushing for the life that I want. I hope to conceive again and bring a baby home to nurture and love and raise. But no matter what the future holds, Liam will always be interwoven in my life. I know that every moment would, could and should be so different. I know that I will always wonder. And I know that as long as i'm still here, I will always love him.

***

He made me a mother. I carry him in my heart always.

38.

We celebrated my birthday this weekend. J treated me to dinner at my favorite Thai restaurant and then to see Ben Howard in concert.

I also got a vintage Nikon 35mm film camera.

And a photo shoot.

J: Let's take some photos. We should take some photos. I promise it will be simple and natural. Promise.

Me: Okay, but please please please be kind. I'm 38 now.

He was kind. Very kind. And gentle. I walked in the field and moved and drank up the sunshine. J never asked me to face the camera. He knew that would be asking for too much. He knows this isn't an easy birthday.

Holidays and birthdays aren't the same. Life isn't the same. I might look the same but i'm not the same. J's not the same. Family. Friendships. Relationships. Our marriage. Nothing is the same. But we're together. Thank God we have each other.

***Photos by my talented husband

sunday morning.

I'm always the first one to wake up. I put on a pot of coffee, cuddle with Ziggy and fiddle around the house while J sleeps. This morning I curled up on the sofa with a pile of blankets and a magazine. Ziggy joined me and fell back asleep in my lap.

It's been a long two weeks. It felt good to be still and just be in those first few hours of the day. My IVF treatments are finishing on Tuesday. The heavy dose of hormones divided up into 5 injections a day have completely drained me. IVF is intense. For me, IVF after losing Liam has been overwhelming and very emotional. So much pain from his death has risen back to the surface. I feel like the past, present and future have all gathered into one time. Right now. J reminds me to take it one step at a time. Don't look too far ahead. Keep the spark of hope alive. Keep Liam close and safe. It's a balancing act.

Our collection is the next step and that will be on either Wednesday or Thursday. Then we wait by the phone for someone to tell us that my eggs have fertilized and that it's time for the transfer. Oh how I hope one fertilizes this time... steps Tash.


*** These are some photos from our day in the country last week.

sunday.

At the end of an afternoon that included lunch at our favorite Indian restaurant, take away samosas for later, holding hands, random street art and hot cocoa, we plopped down on the sofa with our cat Ziggy. Me on my iPad, J on his laptop and Ziggy happily tucked between us. Me surfing the blogs, J on Fstoppers and Ziggy purrs filling every corner of our little living room. This is more or less what our Sundays looks like. Us. Living quietly. Missing terribly.

The night ended with a lit fire, wine, those samosas and the season finale of Dexter.

Then I touched my son's urn and went to sleep.


** I found these angels in a little shop last month, they're Christmas presents for Liam's great grandparents, grand parents and aunt and uncle.


*** This is Ziggy. We adopted him last month.