two.

We do meaningful things

and visit a meaningful spot.

It is his day.

A day for rituals

and reflection.

I think about what Liam's life means to us

and all the ways he's changed me.

I remember why we are right here right now

and the little boy who is not.


+++


In Toronto, candles are lit

and two balloons hang next to his picture frame.

Photos of Liam are posted on his aunt's Facebook wall

and messages of remembrance are exchanged.

Justin shows me each one

and my tender heart swells.

He is remembered and missed and loved.


+++


Liam is gone

but he is very much a part of each and every day.

He is a part of us.

His story is weaved into his brother's,

into mine.

I carry one of my sons in my arms

and the other one in my heart.


+++


August 6 is the anniversary of our first son's birth.

Liam would be two years old now.

I miss him so much.

I love him so much.


/some photos from his birthday

\\\

The cervical cerclage was placed on Saturday evening

And after spending 4 days in the hospital, we're home

I'm on strict bed rest with bathroom privileges now

Justin and my parents do everything

I'm so thankful for them

\\\

As I grow this new life

And hope for this pregnancy to hold

And as we approach Liam's first birthday

There are so many thoughts and feelings swirling around

It's the strangest mixture of emotions that i've ever experienced

And I can't seem to be able to put any of it into words

So for now I just want to say thank you

For your thoughts and hopes and for journeying with me from afar


\\\ Holding on very still

\\\ Missing so very much

\\\

Today I just want to say hi

And thank you

For being there

Wherever your there is

This world can feel so big and lonely sometimes

But I never feel that way here

\\\ Flowers magically appeared in Liam's garden last week. It was a mystery until our neighbor came around to tell us that he planted the flowers early one morning. He said he hoped that we didn't mind, but that he and his family wanted to contribute to Liam's little garden. We are incredibly touched by this family's gesture.

\\\ I'm allowed out of bed and to the sofa once a day, so I wait until J gets home from work. This is me taking in some lovely afternoon sunlight. Please excuse the PJ's and greasy hair. Such is bed rest.

At 11 weeks, the baby's heartbeat continues to be good and strong. Next week's cervical cerclage is huge for us. It's hard to believe that this time last year, only days a part, I had the same procedure done to try and save our Liam.

We're hoping for a successful cerclage next week, and for this life to continue to grow strong.


  

drifting.

It's quiet here.

I'm feeling quiet too.

I'm drifting back and forth, from one July day to another.

These were our last days together, before our very last days together.

/// "But I could see for miles, miles, miles"

9 weeks & an update.

We got our first peek at this little life. 7mm of hope growing in my belly.

The ultrasound and hearing the heartbeat was encouraging after a scary start to this pregnancy. I've been bleeding for 3 weeks now. My doctor told us that with my history of PPROM (Preterm Premature rupture of the membranes) and Premature birth, bleeding is a serious concern. Dr. B ordered immediate bed rest and medication to help thicken my uterine lining. I'm also taking a slew of vitamins to nourish and strengthen my body and this life growing inside me. We're doing everything we can to give this pregnancy the best possible chance.

For now, we're quietly counting down the days until our follow-up appointment, when we get to listen to the heartbeat again, and then my surgery, which is scheduled for July 16. Some people have told me to enjoy this pregnancy, and I know that they mean well, but so far this pregnancy has been pretty terrifying. And not just for J and me, but our families who call daily for updates. My mom called this morning and said, "Only one more week until you see the doctor now. Hold on". We're all counting down and holding on and anxiously awaiting the next date we get to mark in our calendars.

We're all doing the best that we can.

My little family shared the most heartbreaking experience when we lost Liam. This pregnancy has already brought so much hope back into our hearts, but we know there's a long, hard road ahead. As a friend and babylost mother of two precious daughters and two living children tells me, "Every day that passes, you're a little bit closer".
            
>>>>>

Thank you to those who left notes and sent emails and who are cheering us from afar. We're so grateful for your support along the way in this subsequent pregnancy and as we continue to always miss our Liam.