I am forever grateful for the medical and scientific advances that allowed me to keep Leif
safe inside my body and bring him in alive and well. I am forever grateful for this incredible
physician and human being. Leif is here because of her. She is very much a part of our family's
story and we will never forget #OurDrBenjamin

23 weeks.

I've been quiet lately

Turning inward

Gathering myself

Ticking off each day, each week

As we inch closer to our 28-week goal

We had this same exact goal last year

We counted down each day, each week

Until we had to stop counting at 23 weeks and 3 days

On the 4th day, Liam was born, and died

What a hard\strange\sad\happy time this is

\\\

I spend my time reading, writing and meditating. "My womb is safe. My baby is safe". I spend my time with a small number of people who are able to be with what is.

I talk to Liam everyday. I talk to his little brother kicking and turning about in my belly too. I'm doing the best that I can and trying to get through this. I don't think I can describe this pregnancy in any other way. There is fear and hope and love. So much love for both my boys. The one who I wish was here, and the one who I hope doesn't come for a little while longer.

\\\

The cervical cerclage was placed on Saturday evening

And after spending 4 days in the hospital, we're home

I'm on strict bed rest with bathroom privileges now

Justin and my parents do everything

I'm so thankful for them

\\\

As I grow this new life

And hope for this pregnancy to hold

And as we approach Liam's first birthday

There are so many thoughts and feelings swirling around

It's the strangest mixture of emotions that i've ever experienced

And I can't seem to be able to put any of it into words

So for now I just want to say thank you

For your thoughts and hopes and for journeying with me from afar


\\\ Holding on very still

\\\ Missing so very much

\\\

Today I just want to say hi

And thank you

For being there

Wherever your there is

This world can feel so big and lonely sometimes

But I never feel that way here

\\\ Flowers magically appeared in Liam's garden last week. It was a mystery until our neighbor came around to tell us that he planted the flowers early one morning. He said he hoped that we didn't mind, but that he and his family wanted to contribute to Liam's little garden. We are incredibly touched by this family's gesture.

\\\ I'm allowed out of bed and to the sofa once a day, so I wait until J gets home from work. This is me taking in some lovely afternoon sunlight. Please excuse the PJ's and greasy hair. Such is bed rest.

At 11 weeks, the baby's heartbeat continues to be good and strong. Next week's cervical cerclage is huge for us. It's hard to believe that this time last year, only days a part, I had the same procedure done to try and save our Liam.

We're hoping for a successful cerclage next week, and for this life to continue to grow strong.


  

9 weeks & an update.

We got our first peek at this little life. 7mm of hope growing in my belly.

The ultrasound and hearing the heartbeat was encouraging after a scary start to this pregnancy. I've been bleeding for 3 weeks now. My doctor told us that with my history of PPROM (Preterm Premature rupture of the membranes) and Premature birth, bleeding is a serious concern. Dr. B ordered immediate bed rest and medication to help thicken my uterine lining. I'm also taking a slew of vitamins to nourish and strengthen my body and this life growing inside me. We're doing everything we can to give this pregnancy the best possible chance.

For now, we're quietly counting down the days until our follow-up appointment, when we get to listen to the heartbeat again, and then my surgery, which is scheduled for July 16. Some people have told me to enjoy this pregnancy, and I know that they mean well, but so far this pregnancy has been pretty terrifying. And not just for J and me, but our families who call daily for updates. My mom called this morning and said, "Only one more week until you see the doctor now. Hold on". We're all counting down and holding on and anxiously awaiting the next date we get to mark in our calendars.

We're all doing the best that we can.

My little family shared the most heartbreaking experience when we lost Liam. This pregnancy has already brought so much hope back into our hearts, but we know there's a long, hard road ahead. As a friend and babylost mother of two precious daughters and two living children tells me, "Every day that passes, you're a little bit closer".
            
>>>>>

Thank you to those who left notes and sent emails and who are cheering us from afar. We're so grateful for your support along the way in this subsequent pregnancy and as we continue to always miss our Liam.

****

Our 3rd IVF was scheduled to start at the end of the month. We had a new fertility specialist on board and a new protocol. We were given a 20% chance at conceiving through IVF and a 2% chance at conceiving naturally.

I cancelled the IVF treatment last week.

Last year, after we followed all the "rules", we learned there's no such thing as a "safe time" to share our news. So here goes.

I'm pregnant. Spontaneously. Again.

"You see, anything is possible", my doctor said.

Yes, anything is.

Whatever the numbers and statistics, whatever my age and egg count and egg quality and J's sperm count and our fertility rate and all the factors that affect our chances at conceiving, we are pregnant. What luck.

And now we hope our luck continues.

I have my first ultrasound next week and then at 12 weeks after a neural ultrasound, i'll have a cervical cerclage placed and i'll be on strict bed rest for the remainder of my pregnancy. My new high risk doctor is one of the best in the city, and I put myself and this little life completely in her hands. Our goal is to get us to 28 weeks, but if we can get further along, then even better.

It won't be an easy journey, but well worth it if it means we get to bring a baby home in the end.

<<<<<<<<<<

My Liam. My heart. This time last year we announced his pregnancy without a worry in the world, and today we quietly, cautiously announce another. I don't know how we beat the 2% odds a second time. I don't know if we will bring a baby home this time.

All I know is that today, i'm pregnant. I'm hopeful. And God it feels good.

>>>>> This photo makes me feel hopeful. We took it last month and I thought it was fitting.