January 23, 2012

6 months.

It's been 6 months since Liam died, the same amount of time that he was alive.

I'm especially reflective around significant dates. I go through the series of events that have led me to this moment in my life and it always leaves me stunned in disbelief. How Liam came to be after the doctors gave us a 2% chance at conceiving naturally. How he died after I ruptured PPROM (pre-term premature rupture of the membrane), something that happens in less than 3% of pregnancies. Those are some odds. How my son and I spent 26 days in a hospital bed holding on as tightly as we could to each other while the doctors monitored survival rates, chances of risks and amniotic fluid levels. How one day my baby was safe in my belly and the next I was helplessly birthing him into the world only to die. It's been so much to process, so much to absorb and accept. 6 months after my son's death and I still go about my days wondering what happened? What on earth happened?

Next week I start my second cycle of IVF. My new IVF protocol is more aggressive since the first cycle failed miserably, and yes, the doctor gave us our chances for success. But I know better now. I know that it will either work or it won't. I know that while I put my faith in doctors and technology, some things are just out of our control. There are no guarantees in science, just as there are no guarantees in life.

So we take everything we know, and everything we will never know, we hold each others hand and we take the next step.



  1. What on earth happened? I think that is a question so many of us blm's will always be asking right a long with why my baby and why me.

    I hope things go well as you start your next IVF cycle.

  2. "So we take everything we know, and everything we will never know, we hold each others hand and we take the next step."

    That is very powerful. I'm thinking good thoughts for you. They say the year of a water dragon brings great luck and great change. I hope both of those are good for you.

  3. I don't even know what to say... I can't imagine going through what you've been through and what you're going through. you seem very strong. I am wishing and praying you and your husband are able to conceive again and have a healthy baby you can love forever and ever.

  4. Becky, I wish that both of our precious Liam's were in our arms right now. Thank you.

    Robin, happy Chinese New Year. We're hoping 2012 will bring growth and good fortune our way yes. I wish the same for you.

    Liz, thank you so much for your wishes and prayers.

  5. Your words bring tears to my eyes. I can only imagine all the "why, why, why" questions you must be asking yourself. Argh, life is so unfair in unexplainable ways. I am hoping for you lady. Hoping that only peace and happiness are around the corner in the next steps you take. Lots of love xx

  6. The statistics always threaten to drive us mad afterward as we question why us. I'll be thinking of you and little Liam and wishing the IVF works for you. xo

  7. Thank you for this post - it is so honest, refershing and somber. I wish you happiness, love and hope in 2012. Kathleen @ www.thebookhostess.com

  8. I am very happy to hear you are trying again, and it sounds like you're going into it with the right attitude. I'm praying for you.

  9. you should be proud of yourself. life can be difficult and it definitely has it's flaws. it can also be gentle and even though your words are heavy and they also carry a softness. i hope all your hopes for a second baby come true. x

  10. 6 months is all so hard. My heart goes out to you.

    I will keep you in my thoughts as you guys journey through this round. Hoping that it all ends with a beautiful baby in your arms while you carry Liam in your heart.

  11. What happened? Exactly. Nathaniel is 6 months gone tomorrow.

    I'm so sorry.

    My fingers crossed for successful fertilization and, do we dare even hope? A baby:)

  12. I'm holding your hand, new friend, from afar....and hoping with ALL of my might...that the statistics work in your favor this time. I know that there is no way of knowing...but you are trying and offering up yourself to new possibility. I admire you for that, more than you could know.

    I am just as confused as to the why things happen and sometimes why they don't. I wish we all had more answers....although I'm not sure we'd ever accept them.

    For now...I'll be around, propping you up and cheering you on from a distance.

  13. I'm thinking about you! I hope so hard that another baby comes to you.

    My husband first uttered those words, "there are no guarantees in life" when we first met. I remembered feeling so betrayed by life and I refused to believe it for a while. But I've come to realise that it is true. Harsh and true. It's a struggle to hold onto hope and to let go at the same time. You seem to be doing this beautifully. I'm in awe!

    Love to you x

  14. 6 months was awful for us. I'm thinking of you and your little Liam.

    And I'm holding my breath for you on this next cycle.

  15. Franglaise, merci mon amie. Bisous.
    Michelle, thank you.
    Vanessa, thank you doctor :)
    Kristi, i'm happy that you see the softness. In the midst of all my grief there is so much love, Liam is my softness. Thank you.
    Paula, thinking about you daily my friend and sending you so much hope.
    Suzanne, thank you. Thinking of you and Nathaniel.
    Natalie, thank you, i've always felt your support from afar and can hear you cheering me on. I'm doing the same for you from over here my new friend.
    Nicole, thank you. You've been a good friend to me, something I will never forget. I'm thinking about you and babe and will keep checking for updates :)
    Aoife, thank you so much.

  16. Tash~ We are so close in our timeline of loss. 6 months is just so hard. JUST SO HARD. The whys...never stop circling our heads. The unfairness, the why me, why our children, WHY? it doesn't make sense and I want it to make sense, even if it made sense it probably wouldn't change the why. Gawking at our bad odds...Our good odds and our bad odds. I am hoping your IVF cycle works because really all we can do is hope. It keeps us afloat through this dark murky water of grief. WE HAVE TO KEEP HOPING. Sending love.

  17. Tash, I'm nearly two years out and I often still think to myself "What on Earth happened?" It is so mind-boggling at times. Six months is a hard anniversary, not that any anniversary of your son's birth/death will be easy but some are heavier than others.
    I am hoping so very much that this cycle of IVF works. Keeping you and your family in my thoughts.

  18. hi my love, this must be a very surreal time marker for you. in fact i'd imagine the moments between reality creeping in and the surreal are playing havoc on your every fiber of being. this might sound weird, twisted or not right to say but when you said the words "I was helplessly birthing him into the world only to die." i couldn't help but cringe at that thought.

    i don't look at it as that, at least from my perspective. here's what i see. Liam knew it was his time to return to all our inevitable homes in the universe and he knew he would always be with you even though not physically. he sensed his time was limited and so instead of you never seeing what his form was while it lasted he decided to come out and show you. be loved by you in the few moments you had together that could more than makeup for many peoples lack of love lives. the things you shared together during that precious time are sacred. he knew what that would mean to you so please Tash, know you did everything you possibly could for him. i KNOW he knows that to be true and so does J and your fams and all those who love you dearly.

    keep stepping on my friend, the road will lay out ahead of you and there will be bumps and abrasions but these scars you've developed bring added strength along the way. thinking of you every day. xoox ♥

  19. With you as always Natasha ...sending you hope, positive thoughts and love xxx

  20. You're so right. There's so much in life that we can't control, and I honestly don't think we're ever supposed to know it all. I think it's good to take comfort in the fact that there is a higher power at work, and it knows what's best for us all. <3 xox

  21. Great post :)

  22. Renel, we have to keep hoping yes! Staying afloat with you friend.

    Brianna, we will never stop asking ourselves what happened will we. It’s so unfair that George and Liam aren’t here with us. Thank you for your thoughts.

    Lynn, my darling friend. I love your Zen approach. My Liam is forgiving I know that yes. I’m stepping forward, carrying Liam along with me into the future, whatever it may hold for us. There is a quote I love: “We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the one that is waiting for us” by Joseph Campbell.
    Lynn I have always felt your light shining the way in my steps. I’ve adored our texts, our phone call and every single one of our exchanges. You have been a good friend and I couldn’t be more grateful for *you*, the beautiful person that you are. Love to you! xx

    Lisa, I think of you often. We went to see a herbalist last week. We're strengthening our minds and bodies as we dive into this next step. Thank you for being there friend x

    Melanie, It's not easy to accept the things we can't control but we've all learned this in some way haven't we. My mama has always said "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." x

  23. Beautiful post Tash. Six months was a milestone for me too, probably the hardest I've had to face yet (but the year mark is just around the corner).

    "What on earth happened?" is right. Seriously, what the hell happened? How did we join the world of dead babies? Did I really wake up at 5am this morning just to spend some time with the babyloss blogging community? Am I really navigating a world without one of my kids.

    The odds are total shit, as we have come to find out. Know any other Moms that tripped and fell on the sidewalk at 39 weeks, killing a healthy little girl that was destined for the world? BUT, I think the odds can work for us too, right? If we throw the odds out altogether, a 99% sure thing can go wrong, but a 1% long shot can go right, too.

    Here's to hoping, anyway.

    Love and peace to you today.


  24. Josh, I think of you guys often. Life is so fragile and unfair. We’ve all learned that along the way but there isn’t anything more senseless and heartbreaking than babies dying before they’ve been given the chance at life, before we've been given a chance to know our kids and them us. And now that we know what we know about life, it sure does make adapting to this uncertain world that much more difficult. Anything can *really* happen. At any time. Sadly your family knows that too well... my hearts aches for you and Kari and Stella and baby Margot.

    I don’t listen to odds and stats and chances anymore. All I can do at this point is try to find some peace, to miss Liam without the ugly guilt and anger that's attached to his death and maybe just maybe, if this shitty world will have it, another baby? Here’s to hoping yes.

    Peace and love to you my friend.

  25. I'm thinking of you and Liam...
    Sending much hope and light for this upcoming cycle.. I know it is such a roller coaster.