8 years

We love it here.

Leif says he wants to live in Vermont when he gets older,
Oh my goodness he sounds just like me sometimes.

J and i have been coming to this spot since we met and before babies and
when i was pregnant with Liam and after he died and now with Leif.

There are a lot of memories here and we are making more,
Adding them to the others.

For Liam.

We had this acrylic print done for his Fifth.

For Liam.

five years old

This year, we took a gondola ride up Mount Mansfield. Leif was completely in awe as we soared
into the clouds covering the mountain top. Look mommy, we going in the sky!

What can I say that I haven't already said before?

We've been doing this trip for four years now, and we'll keep going back for as long as we can.

This place makes us feel closer to him.

For our son who forever changed our lives.

For five whole years without him.

For Liam.


/images taken by dad

three.

Every day I long to hold him.


He should be here.


He should be three.


/some photos from his birthday

sunday morning.

I'm always the first one to wake up. I put on a pot of coffee, cuddle with Ziggy and fiddle around the house while J sleeps. This morning I curled up on the sofa with a pile of blankets and a magazine. Ziggy joined me and fell back asleep in my lap.

It's been a long two weeks. It felt good to be still and just be in those first few hours of the day. My IVF treatments are finishing on Tuesday. The heavy dose of hormones divided up into 5 injections a day have completely drained me. IVF is intense. For me, IVF after losing Liam has been overwhelming and very emotional. So much pain from his death has risen back to the surface. I feel like the past, present and future have all gathered into one time. Right now. J reminds me to take it one step at a time. Don't look too far ahead. Keep the spark of hope alive. Keep Liam close and safe. It's a balancing act.

Our collection is the next step and that will be on either Wednesday or Thursday. Then we wait by the phone for someone to tell us that my eggs have fertilized and that it's time for the transfer. Oh how I hope one fertilizes this time... steps Tash.


*** These are some photos from our day in the country last week.

***

We walked along a quiet trail in the mountains and breathed in the winter air. We followed bunny tracks and deer tracks and watched the sunset from the mountaintop. And as the sun disappeared into the hills and the sky lit up magnificently in layers of yellows and oranges, we both felt him. Liam was with us. But he wasn't with us.

J put this little video together. I cry every single time I watch it because that sunset meant so much. We stood quietly watching until the last sparkle of light was gone. And now we wait. Until the next moment when we get to feel Liam again.