****

Our 3rd IVF was scheduled to start at the end of the month. We had a new fertility specialist on board and a new protocol. We were given a 20% chance at conceiving through IVF and a 2% chance at conceiving naturally.

I cancelled the IVF treatment last week.

Last year, after we followed all the "rules", we learned there's no such thing as a "safe time" to share our news. So here goes.

I'm pregnant. Spontaneously. Again.

"You see, anything is possible", my doctor said.

Yes, anything is.

Whatever the numbers and statistics, whatever my age and egg count and egg quality and J's sperm count and our fertility rate and all the factors that affect our chances at conceiving, we are pregnant. What luck.

And now we hope our luck continues.

I have my first ultrasound next week and then at 12 weeks after a neural ultrasound, i'll have a cervical cerclage placed and i'll be on strict bed rest for the remainder of my pregnancy. My new high risk doctor is one of the best in the city, and I put myself and this little life completely in her hands. Our goal is to get us to 28 weeks, but if we can get further along, then even better.

It won't be an easy journey, but well worth it if it means we get to bring a baby home in the end.

<<<<<<<<<<

My Liam. My heart. This time last year we announced his pregnancy without a worry in the world, and today we quietly, cautiously announce another. I don't know how we beat the 2% odds a second time. I don't know if we will bring a baby home this time.

All I know is that today, i'm pregnant. I'm hopeful. And God it feels good.

>>>>> This photo makes me feel hopeful. We took it last month and I thought it was fitting.

love.

These are some shots from an afternoon spent in Old Montreal. We walked on old cobblestone streets. We explored. Reflected. Photographed.

The last time we visited this part of the city I was 3 months pregnant and we were celebrating J's birthday. We went out for dinner and then we walked to the Old Port. We stopped to look at the boats and circus tents and talked about how awesome it was going to be to do all these things with our baby. Now we walk the same streets and talk about how awesome things would, could and should have been.

Losing Liam has changed everything in my life. I've talked about how everything is different, but there is one thing that has remained the same and that's my love for Liam. I loved him every minute of every one of the 163 days he lived inside me. I loved him the day he was born and died. And I continue to love him 9 1/2 months later.

I'm still pushing for the life that I want. I hope to conceive again and bring a baby home to nurture and love and raise. But no matter what the future holds, Liam will always be interwoven in my life. I know that every moment would, could and should be so different. I know that I will always wonder. And I know that as long as i'm still here, I will always love him.

***

He made me a mother. I carry him in my heart always.

***

I come here and share bits and pieces of my life. Snippets. In words and photographs.

I wanted to tell you about our weekend in Vermont. About how Winter is still transforming into Spring up in the mountains. About the white peeks and the raw earth and the damp mountain air. I wanted to tell you that like the seasons, i'm also transforming. Adjusting. Accepting. I wanted to share photos that we took along the trail we hiked up into the hills. I wanted to tell you about the twisting stream we followed and the old wooden bridges we crossed. But our weekend was also full of painful reminders and tears. The couple walking towards us on the trail, pushing their baby in a stroller. Justin taking my hand. Us bowing our heads as we pass them by. Tears hidden behind my sunglasses.

You see, every moment of every day I miss him. And I wonder. What would life be like with Liam in it? What would this moment be like if he were here? I stand on a mountain top and I see a world of browns and yellows and splashes of green, and it's beautiful beyond words, and what am I thinking? This is Springtime my love. I wish you were here to see your first Spring. I wish you were slung across my chest right now. Bouncing. Giggling. Breathing in the fresh mountain air with me.

The reminders are everywhere. Everyday. Families. Babies. Pregnant mothers with beautiful blooming bellies. And I think of my Liam. I think about all the things he's missing out on. I think about all the things i'm missing out on as his mama. I reach out to him every day with the hope that he can somehow feel how much I miss and love him. I can't carry Liam the way I so desperately want to, but he is always with me. You can't see my baby, but I carry him in my heart. And I hope that my love for him comes through in my words and photographs.

38.

We celebrated my birthday this weekend. J treated me to dinner at my favorite Thai restaurant and then to see Ben Howard in concert.

I also got a vintage Nikon 35mm film camera.

And a photo shoot.

J: Let's take some photos. We should take some photos. I promise it will be simple and natural. Promise.

Me: Okay, but please please please be kind. I'm 38 now.

He was kind. Very kind. And gentle. I walked in the field and moved and drank up the sunshine. J never asked me to face the camera. He knew that would be asking for too much. He knows this isn't an easy birthday.

Holidays and birthdays aren't the same. Life isn't the same. I might look the same but i'm not the same. J's not the same. Family. Friendships. Relationships. Our marriage. Nothing is the same. But we're together. Thank God we have each other.

***Photos by my talented husband