November 24, 2011

I've been at a loss for words lately. Well maybe not entirely, there is one beautiful word that plays over and over in my head… Liam.

Sometimes it's LIAM, i'm yelling his name at the top of my lungs, and other times it's an aching whisper flowing straight from my heart… Liam.

I miss him so much.

After I hit "publish" on my last post, I cried and cried. I cried for my son who's in an urn on our fireplace mantle. I cried for how absurd and unnatural that is. I cried because this is my reality now, i'm the mother to a dead baby, I cried for only being able to give my son such a brief life. I cried for the future I had envisioned for him, the future I had envisioned for us. And I cried because i'm so lost without him.

It's been difficult to come up with the words that describe how i'm feeling and what my world is like now. I thought that I could share photos on my blog until the words came to me but I haven't picked up my camera in a month now. The last photo I took was of our pumpkin. Our backyard was aglow with beautiful afternoon sunlight so I placed the pumpkin in the grass and snapped away. I was pretty happy with my shots and I uploaded them to the computer. While I was looking them over I got angry, what the heck was I doing taking photos of a pumpkin when my son just died?? I was so ashamed of myself. Within a few days I stopped doing everything that I enjoyed, writing, taking photos, yoga, cooking. Some days I even stayed in bed all day long feeling sorry for myself. It was a real pity fiesta. So I didn't feel much like writing here and if I did i'm not sure how much sense I would have made, not to mention i'd probably scare everyone away.

I had a session with my grief counselor last week who told me that I wasn't going crazy {hallelujah}, that I was entitled to a pity party now and then, and she said something that stuck, "you can only heal what you're willing to reveal". When I got home from our session I started to write, and then I logged into my blog and I wrote some more. The feelings and words are pouring out of me like a river and i'm thankful for this place to let them go.

This is my life now. Sometimes i'm happy and sometimes i'm sad. And right now i'm mostly sad. But i'm trying to work on things and trying to learn how to be a good mama to Liam because right now i'm doing everything for him, including getting out of bed in the morning.



  1. i admire you for being so strong and still coming here to post updates. though i could never imagine your pain, i can feel it, and it hurts my heart. I cannot find the right words to comfort you but know that you are in my thoughts. Liam has an extraordinary mummy who has the right to have pity fiestas. So what if that's what helps you get through the day? Hopefully the following days will be somewhat easier and you will start feeling mostly happy again. Sending you heaps of positiveness your way. I wish I could squeeze through my screen to give you a hug. xx

  2. Natasha,

    I just read through all of your posts since Liam died. Fuck.

    I am so sorry for your loss, for what could have been. Three and a half months was not an easy time in our household. It might have been the worst I felt besides the first month. Anyway, thanks for leaving a comment, for introducing me to your stunning photography and beautiful words regarding your son and your grief. I'll be sure to stop by again.

    Peace to you and your partner.


  3. Natasha, please know that you have been in my prayers and I too wish I could give you a big hug. The road you are on is a hard one...made so unbelievably difficult because you did not choose to be on it. Like you say, talking about the reality of it all...all those sad and angry helpful.

    Life really isn't fair at times. My sister and I found out that we were pregnant together. I was over the moon with joy and she was happy but slightly distraught with an unplanned third babe. And I remember her saying, I don't really want to be pregnant right now! But when we found out that our babies were due 2 days apart, we were both excited. Then my baby died. And hers went on and was born last month. My poor sister was devastated that she'd uttered those words. I was still happy for her...but god, how unfortunate and well, a little bit tragic. I remember watching her bloom as I grieved. I suppose accepting my own journey (with all the pain) and being very gentle to myself was the way I coped.

    Love and peace to you x

  4. The Franglaise, thank you for the virtual hug, merci :)

    Josh, thank you. I found your blog not long after Liam died and found so much comfort in your beautiful words. Your love for Margot and how you express yourself is incredibly powerful. I think of your Margot and family often.

    Nicole, thank you for sharing more about your loss with me.. I can't even imagine what it must have been like for you to lose your baby while your sister went on with her pregnancy... and how you found the strength to cope and find acceptance... Nicole you're a bright light, I respect you and i'm grateful to have met you.

  5. Natasha,

    Oh man, those first few months after we lost George were excruciating. I remember staying in bed, refusing to do much else but cry. I stopped doing the things that I used to to find enjoyment in doing.

    But then...

    The haze started to lift a bit and I was able to breathe again. It stil hurt to breathe, but at least I was taking breaths again. You'll get there too.

    I am so very sorry for what happened to you and for the loss of Liam. It is heartbreaking. I hope you don't stop taking photographs. They are beautiful. I think one day you will find them therapeutic.

  6. i'm so sorry for your loss.. its really hard when someone we love unexpectedly bades us goodbye but it will not be forever because in God's time we will surely see them and be with them forever... i pray that you would eventually overcome your sadness and go on with your life, am sure Liam will not like you to live miserably, he would be happy if you would go on and live your life at your best... i surely love your blog...following you now, hope you could visit my blog too..kissess!!!

  7. In regards to the comment above, I'm sorry. It is entirely inappropriate and completely insensitive and seems to be written by someone who doesn't know what it is like to lose a baby.

    Not everyone is religious, not all of us believe we will "be with them forever." Also, I'd like to ask this commenter, what's so bad about sadness? It's a part of life, a part of the full human emotion and what connects us to ourselves and to the broken world around us. Sadness doesn't need to be "overcome." And the rest of the comment is even more profoundly ridiculous than the first part.

    Anyway, I'm sorry for this comment if it made you feel at all misunderstood or angry. Unfortunately, it's part of the reality of the post baby loss world.

    Peace to you today as you're missing Liam.


  8. Life is full of misery and pain, if you haven't experienced pain then you haven't experienced life. "It's a part of the full human emotion and what connects us to ourselves and to the broken world around us" - so true Josh. 

    I'm here and Liam isn't and I have to find a way to live with that, sadness and all, for the rest of my life. Liam will live in my heart forever but I didn't get the chance to know him, he looked like his daddy with touches of me but other than that i'll never know anything else about my son. My future with Liam is gone, my past with Liam is gone and all I have is right now and right now i'm missing him like crazy.

    Thank you Josh and Brianna for visiting me and shedding your light my way, it means more than you know. 

  9. If I had managed to carry to term, instead of miscarrying at 12 weeks, I would have been due at Christmas. I'm so sorry that this happened to you. I never got the chance for it to feel 'real' but it still hurt. Now that I'm looking for it, I seem to be finding more and more people that have had this kind of experience. I'm not sure if I'm glad that there are people who can relate, or sad that there are so many.

    But you're right. Writing about it helps. I'm glad you're healing, however slowly.


  10. I think of you often Natasha .....just take things one day at a have to feel what you feel until the day comes that you will feel at peace with your world. You will always be Liam's mama. xxx

  11. Robin, I'm so sorry for your loss.

    I don't believe that it matters how far along you were, losing a baby is devastating and the experience turns your world upside down. Writing helps yes, talking, my support group and my grievance counselor help too. If you ever feel like talking please send me an email.
    Liam's due date is tomorrow so we also thought that we'd have a baby at home with us this Christmas. I understand how you feel and I wish you so much courage and peace this Christmas.

    Lovely Lisa, thank you for your encouraging words and beautiful support, it means a lot. xox

  12. I keep coming back to this photo of the pumpkin. It's beautiful. And you are so incredible.