23 weeks.

I've been quiet lately

Turning inward

Gathering myself

Ticking off each day, each week

As we inch closer to our 28-week goal

We had this same exact goal last year

We counted down each day, each week

Until we had to stop counting at 23 weeks and 3 days

On the 4th day, Liam was born, and died

What a hard\strange\sad\happy time this is

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I spend my time reading, writing and meditating. "My womb is safe. My baby is safe". I spend my time with a small number of people who are able to be with what is.

I talk to Liam everyday. I talk to his little brother kicking and turning about in my belly too. I'm doing the best that I can and trying to get through this. I don't think I can describe this pregnancy in any other way. There is fear and hope and love. So much love for both my boys. The one who I wish was here, and the one who I hope doesn't come for a little while longer.

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The cervical cerclage was placed on Saturday evening

And after spending 4 days in the hospital, we're home

I'm on strict bed rest with bathroom privileges now

Justin and my parents do everything

I'm so thankful for them

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As I grow this new life

And hope for this pregnancy to hold

And as we approach Liam's first birthday

There are so many thoughts and feelings swirling around

It's the strangest mixture of emotions that i've ever experienced

And I can't seem to be able to put any of it into words

So for now I just want to say thank you

For your thoughts and hopes and for journeying with me from afar


\\\ Holding on very still

\\\ Missing so very much

drifting.

It's quiet here.

I'm feeling quiet too.

I'm drifting back and forth, from one July day to another.

These were our last days together, before our very last days together.

/// "But I could see for miles, miles, miles"

love.

These are some shots from an afternoon spent in Old Montreal. We walked on old cobblestone streets. We explored. Reflected. Photographed.

The last time we visited this part of the city I was 3 months pregnant and we were celebrating J's birthday. We went out for dinner and then we walked to the Old Port. We stopped to look at the boats and circus tents and talked about how awesome it was going to be to do all these things with our baby. Now we walk the same streets and talk about how awesome things would, could and should have been.

Losing Liam has changed everything in my life. I've talked about how everything is different, but there is one thing that has remained the same and that's my love for Liam. I loved him every minute of every one of the 163 days he lived inside me. I loved him the day he was born and died. And I continue to love him 9 1/2 months later.

I'm still pushing for the life that I want. I hope to conceive again and bring a baby home to nurture and love and raise. But no matter what the future holds, Liam will always be interwoven in my life. I know that every moment would, could and should be so different. I know that I will always wonder. And I know that as long as i'm still here, I will always love him.

I've been at a loss for words lately. Well maybe not entirely, there is one beautiful word that plays over and over in my head… Liam.

Sometimes it's LIAM, i'm yelling his name at the top of my lungs, and other times it's an aching whisper flowing straight from my heart… Liam.

I miss him so much.

After I hit "publish" on my last post, I cried and cried. I cried for my son who's in an urn on our fireplace mantle. I cried for how absurd and unnatural that is. I cried because this is my reality now, i'm the mother to a dead baby, I cried for only being able to give my son such a brief life. I cried for the future I had envisioned for him, the future I had envisioned for us. And I cried because i'm so lost without him.

It's been difficult to come up with the words that describe how i'm feeling and what my world is like now. I thought that I could share photos on my blog until the words came to me but I haven't picked up my camera in a month now. The last photo I took was of our pumpkin. Our backyard was aglow with beautiful afternoon sunlight so I placed the pumpkin in the grass and snapped away. I was pretty happy with my shots and I uploaded them to the computer. While I was looking them over I got angry, what the heck was I doing taking photos of a pumpkin when my son just died?? I was so ashamed of myself. Within a few days I stopped doing everything that I enjoyed, writing, taking photos, yoga, cooking. Some days I even stayed in bed all day long feeling sorry for myself. It was a real pity fiesta. So I didn't feel much like writing here and if I did i'm not sure how much sense I would have made, not to mention i'd probably scare everyone away.

I had a session with my grief counselor last week who told me that I wasn't going crazy {hallelujah}, that I was entitled to a pity party now and then, and she said something that stuck, "you can only heal what you're willing to reveal". When I got home from our session I started to write, and then I logged into my blog and I wrote some more. The feelings and words are pouring out of me like a river and i'm thankful for this place to let them go.

This is my life now. Sometimes i'm happy and sometimes i'm sad. And right now i'm mostly sad. But i'm trying to work on things and trying to learn how to be a good mama to Liam because right now i'm doing everything for him, including getting out of bed in the morning.