December 13, 2011

i am.

I am a woman
I have a deformed womb
I have an incompetent cervix
I have a minuscule number of eggs
I'm 37 years old

In 2009 the doctor said we had a 2% chance of conceiving naturally
In 2010 our son proved the statistics wrong
The doctor said our baby was a blessing
Liam was a blessing yes

At 19 weeks I ruptured
I was rushed to the hospital and had emergency cerclage
My water broke the next day
Amniotic fluids trickled down my leg from that day on
The doctors said it was a "slow leak"
Baby Liam needed to be monitored closely

I had to stay very still in bed
I could move from side to side
I could lift my head to eat
I could lift my bottom onto the bed pan (but no pushing!)

Liam liked icy water, orange juice and listening to Bob Marley tunes which I played straight into my belly every night
Liam and his daddy liked to poke at each other through my belly which melted my heart every single time
Liam always stayed put for the nurses when it was time to listen to his heart beat (3 times per day)
Liam didn't like the Trendelenburg position

For 26 days there were doctors, nurses, orderlies, a hematologist, a physiotherapist, a dietician, ultrasounds, heart monitoring, blood tests and anticoagulant injections
For 26 days there was guilt, fear, tears, disbelief and helplessness
For 26 days I prayed to God to help us
For 26 days I never once prepared myself for his death

Trickles suddenly turned into big gushes of fluids
Every 15 minutes I braced myself
Stay with me Liam, not yet my love
Please someone help us!
The doctor said there wasn't anything they could do
They put me back into Trendelenburg position
I developed a fever of 40.9
The contractions started

The doctor told us that an ambulance would take me to a high risk hospital for delivery
30 minutes later he came back to tell us that no hospital would take us
I had a fever, Liam might have a fever, it was too risky
Nobody wanted to try
Nobody wants to even try?
I would stay and deliver Liam
The doctor said that they wouldn't resuscitate him after he died
After all of this nobody wants to try?
Justin pushed a chair across the room
I went into shock
The next 15 hours were a blur

In the OR they gave me a spinal and removed the cerclage
I went back to my room in the maternity ward to wait
The spinal wore off in the morning and the contractions became unbearable
An anesthesiologist came to give me an injection for the pain
My mom held my hand, Justin fed me ice chips and my dad paced the room

If you passed by our room you just might have thought that we were having a take home baby
But then our tears and sad faces would give us all away

Liam was born on August 6, 2011
He was 23 weeks and 3 days
He was perfectly healthy
He grew big and strong
He had Justin's eyes and nose
He had my lips and chin
He had chubby cheeks
He was so beautiful

He breathed on his own for one hour and 29 minutes
I asked the doctor if they could transfer him to a high risk hospital now
The doctor said that the transfer would kill him
So he dies if he stays and he dies if he goes...

I am a mother
My son died
Last week a stranger asked me if I had children
No. I mean yes. YES I do… but he died.

We are back at the fertility centre now
Our IVF journey has officially begun

We didn't get very far on our first round
Two weeks of hormone injections
Twice the dosages increased
My body wasn't responding
The doctors expected much more

I produced four follicles
One of them matured
But it ended up being abnormal
We didn't make it to the transfer stage

Our Liam, he was a blessing yes

** I time travel back into that hospital bed every so often. Those are the last 27 days that I had with my son so I hold on to the memory of them as tightly as I can. When you lose a baby you aren't left with much, an urn, a few photos, an outfit, and the memory of what little time you had together. Such excruciatingly little time. My son blessed me with 163 beautiful days, and 27 of them happen to be spent in a hospital bed. Nobody knows what might happen even the next minute, one day you are in the lavender fields, the next you're in the hospital. Life. is. fragile.

I share my journey because it helps me. Thank you for listening.


  1. Not sure how I found you (maybe through Kate?)...but I am here, and listening and sending you every extra ounce of faith and grace that I have...I am glad you had Liam, but sad that he was physically with you for such a short time. best of luck on the next round....I'll check in to see how things are going.

  2. YOU are great.
    YOU are strong.
    YOU can do this.
    YOU can do hard things.


  3. This is beautiful, Natasha. Heart-breakingly beautiful.

  4. "Life. is. fragile."

    So true. So gut-wrenchingly, achingly, tragically true.

    I am so sorry for your little fighter Liam. I wish he was here with you now.

    And I wish you lots of luck on next round of IVF - you have done this, you can do it again. I know it's hard to hold onto the hope, so maybe allow us to do that for you for a while.

  5. I can't even form the right words to say, i read and my heart breaks, there are no words... i just wanted you to know i'm listening with a heart that wants to give you a hug, to hold a hand to give be a friend who is just there for you.

  6. Oh Natasha... I have no words.
    But I am listening.

    Love and strength to you, beautiful lady.

  7. My heart breaks for you. No woman should have to go through this. Thank you for sharing. Love and peace to you.

    PS. Wishing you loads and loads of luck on your IVF journey.

  8. Oh Tash.. my heart aches for you, for Liam, for all who have lost their precious children. You are so brave to write- to share. I am here following, and offering you so much light as you travel this path.

  9. Hi Tash~ Thank you for coming by and saying hi on my blog. I have been a little absent lately. I am sorry Liam isn't here with you. I wish things were different for both of us. The death of our children was very close together. nearly a month apart. I am glad you got to see Liam alive. Something I never got to see in Camille was a life force outside of my body. It is so cruel....this life without our children. Sending love to you.

  10. I have a friend that always says to me "baby steps, just keeping slowly moving forward," I guess that is the hope I hang on too. We suffer from undiagnsoed so far fertility issues as well and our son was an unexpected miracle after five years. Its a long story but he passed away at five months although for only three of those months did he truly get to live. I know that no length of time will ever be enough to have with our lost children. Its unfair, I wish things were different for you and I am thinking of Liam. I hope we both get a rainbow someday.xo

  11. I like the idea of life being in the Lavender fields. It does change so quickly, so unexpectdly. It makes your heart stop beating for a moment. Then it never beats quite the same again.

    I wish your little Liam was in your arms.

  12. dear natasha i have read this many times without commenting but every time tears have fallen. i wish it was all different for you for me for all who...

    natasha you are such a beautiful person who's heart is so heavy yet paper thin and the light shines through and soon that light will not only shine but warm you

  13. Thank you from the bottom of my heart to each of you.

  14. This is a comment for your last post- Sunday. Blogger for me anyway isnt at the moment letting me comment on it. Its sounds like our Sunday, it is one of the few days my hubby and I have off together, we are kind of hermits now though and spend most of it at home, usually watching shows -Dexter is one of them. Adorable kitty. xo

  15. Wishing you health, happiness, love and lots of luck for 2012.

    After 3 unsuccessful IVF attempts we are taking a break. There are so many of us out there but it sure is hard to find the support. This is a nice place for me to visit, makes me feel like I'm not alone.


  16. I could not stop reading your post. I feel so sad for you and your husband...that is a sad loss indeed...

    I think it's a great thing that you are taking the time to write things is courageous..and I do believe it to be a therapeutic help to you during the healing process.

    This is my first visit to your blog...I'm glad to know you.
    my thoughts and prayers are with you.

    Ciao Bella.

  17. Hi Michelle, Blogger was giving me problems uploading my photos on my last post. Our Sunday's sound similar. Sending you love. x

    Little K, You aren't alone, i'm here and if I can listen or help you in any way, please let me know. I can't access your blog but i'm happy that you are here. I'm so sorry.. 3 IVF attempts that is so tough. I can't imagine. Thinking of you and sending you so much health and love and luck for 2012. x

    Creative Carmelina,
    Thank you. Writing helps yes. x

  18. keep the faith, mama. I know it hurts, but keep sharing.

  19. I'm new to your blog and just read this. Beautiful and poignant. Your story is heartbreaking, and I'm beyond sorry that Liam is gone. Your Liam and my Molly were almost the exact same age when they died.

    I wish things were different and all of us had our babies back. I plead with the universe everyday. I can't help doing it. I just can't.

    I'm so sorry. xo

  20. I am new here and could not read this without commenting. It breaks my heart to think of you realizing no one was going to try to save your son, all the love and terror you must have been feeling. I'm so sorry for the loss of your little Liam.

  21. You are an incredibly strong and brave mother Michelle. Just about cried my way through reading it all. I'm so heartfeltly sorry for your loss, i know what it feels like to lose someone dearest to you, though i don't know your pain and i wouldnt compare it, i can understand to a point, it doesn't go away and i guess people who don't know it don't understand that it changes you, you can't stay the same after it. It's not something you can just "move on with." I found your blog today and i will be praying for you. I think writing heals the heart, continue to write Michelle and i will be here to read. Bless you xo Nakita