I've been at a loss for words lately. Well maybe not entirely, there is one beautiful word that plays over and over in my head… Liam.
Sometimes it's LIAM, i'm yelling his name at the top of my lungs, and other times it's an aching whisper flowing straight from my heart… Liam.
I miss him so much.
After I hit "publish" on my last post, I cried and cried. I cried for my son who's in an urn on our fireplace mantle. I cried for how absurd and unnatural that is. I cried because this is my reality now, i'm the mother to a dead baby, I cried for only being able to give my son such a brief life. I cried for the future I had envisioned for him, the future I had envisioned for us. And I cried because i'm so lost without him.
It's been difficult to come up with the words that describe how i'm feeling and what my world is like now. I thought that I could share photos on my blog until the words came to me but I haven't picked up my camera in a month now. The last photo I took was of our pumpkin. Our backyard was aglow with beautiful afternoon sunlight so I placed the pumpkin in the grass and snapped away. I was pretty happy with my shots and I uploaded them to the computer. While I was looking them over I got angry, what the heck was I doing taking photos of a pumpkin when my son just died?? I was so ashamed of myself. Within a few days I stopped doing everything that I enjoyed, writing, taking photos, yoga, cooking. Some days I even stayed in bed all day long feeling sorry for myself. It was a real pity fiesta. So I didn't feel much like writing here and if I did i'm not sure how much sense I would have made, not to mention i'd probably scare everyone away.
I had a session with my grief counselor last week who told me that I wasn't going crazy {hallelujah}, that I was entitled to a pity party now and then, and she said something that stuck, "you can only heal what you're willing to reveal". When I got home from our session I started to write, and then I logged into my blog and I wrote some more. The feelings and words are pouring out of me like a river and i'm thankful for this place to let them go.
This is my life now. Sometimes i'm happy and sometimes i'm sad. And right now i'm mostly sad. But i'm trying to work on things and trying to learn how to be a good mama to Liam because right now i'm doing everything for him, including getting out of bed in the morning.
