January 2, 2012

***

I don't get to talk about Liam very much anymore. Usually, i'm the one who brings him up, and I do, not all the time but I need to talk about my son. I carried him for 6 months, I spent a month in the hospital fighting to save him, and now I'm missing him with all my heart. He's my son. How could I not talk about him? But I realize that most people would rather ignore the truth when the truth is hard. It's easier to ignore Liam's life or try to sugar coat his death by saying something {so completely awful} like "it just wasn't meant to be". Someone told me that during the holidays. As she hugged me she whispered those words in my ear. I'd like to mention that she's a mother of two. A part of me wanted to tell her that she should be careful about what she says, that we're talking about my child here, his name is Liam and he most definitely was meant to be and did in fact be. But I just didn't have the energy to get into it. Especially a few days before Christmas.

That same evening, I went to my support group meeting where I join four other babylost mothers every month in a church basement. In this place our children are safe and they're always acknowledged as they should be. Our group leader asked us about the gifts our babies brought us and when it was my turn to talk about Liam's gifts, my list was longer than I had expected. I kind of surprised myself as I was speaking, it took someone asking me to say aloud all his gifts for me to realize that to this day Liam continues to bring me gifts. He's changed me in so many ways, he's opened up my eyes and even my broken heart to this cruel world. Liam has taught me what's really important in life and how we really don't know what tomorrow will bring. He's taught me not to sweat the small stuff, life is really too short for that. He's taught me that i'm a strong woman but I have my limits and I don't have to be strong or "better" for other people. And Liam continues to teach me about the type of person I want to be and the open, honest and meaningful life I want to lead. In so many ways, my son is teaching me how to really live. I left my meeting with new thoughts to take into the new year. Good thoughts.

It was a hard year. The worst. But i've promised myself to make more of an effort to remember the hope and love and harmony that my son brought me. I won't pretend or deny the pain and guilt and anger that surrounds Liam's death, but I will try to find a balance. I know that people will continue to say hurtful things but I also know that it's my job to protect my son's life and memory. What type of a mother would I be if I didn't want to protect my child?

I want to thank each of you who continues to join me here. I really can't express my gratitude enough for listening, being there and for sharing with me. This blog has been a healing place, i'd even add it to my list of therapies right along with my psychologist and support group. It's a place where i've been able to set my heart free and keep Liam's memory alive. And that feels so good.

Wishing you peace, love and light for the new year friends.

Light

19 comments:

  1. There are days where I can take a little pleasure in the smallest things - clean bed sheets, a bowl of ice cream, a bunch of flowers, cuddling up with John on the sofa... I think that's my son's legacy - life is so so short, too short in our babies' case... so I guess, when something is a positive, I try to feel a little gratitude for it.

    I find it hard though - especially when, like you, I feel almost as though the walls are closing in on my grief - like I've come to the end of my grace period and that I shouldn't be talking about him anymore... but I NEED to. He's in my thoughts and my heart and my head all the time. I don't want to have to hide him away.

    I honestly don't know what I'd have done without this online support. It is so important to me. I'm glad you have found comfort in it too.

    As for the "It just wasn't meant to be" comment - I've had to grit my teeth through many of those ignorant remarks as well and they make my blood boil. It's arrogant of that woman to assume she somehow has an answer to it all... I know people mean well, but it continues to disappoint me how so many seem to get it wrong...

    "Liam has taught me what's really important in life and how we really don't know what tomorrow will bring. He's taught me not to sweat the small stuff, life is really too short for that."

    What a wonderful little soul your little Liam was. xx

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  2. Oh you're a beautiful mother Natasha!

    It's so natural for any mother to talk about her child...I think sometimes the worst thing after losing a baby is when people silent. But I've come to understand that it usually says more about them than it does you.

    Love to you x

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  3. Your words are so beautiful. I too find it hard when I feel silenced by others. I wish this was easier for us. That is why I'm so thankful for support group and this online community. It is sometimes the only place where we can speak our babies names and someone will listen without fear. I think I'll never understand people's insensitive comments. I try to imagine myself before and if I would have made such thoughtless comments to others and I really hope I never did. Over the holiday we were with family and the news was showing people in North Korea mourning the loss of their leader. People were sobbing uncontrollably and my mother in law says out loud in front of everyone "Gee, you would think they lost a baby or something". It was so awkward and uncomfortable. I often wonder if she is so afraid to say something stupid that she just blurts out something stupid anyhow. That is just one of the many stupid things she has said, but what do you do? As always, thinking of you and Liam :)

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  4. Ive have come across some pretty ignorant people but also met some amazing ones as well.Now if someone says something really stupid or bad to me, I will tell them. Thinking of you and Liam xo

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  5. i never talked about it, i cried and cried and still cry. i wish i did but all i knew is if i did not mention it, it meant never happened, i never lost, no one died. gosh did i try to trick myself. even when hearing comments like "it was meant to be" i found myself wanting to break every thing around me but what i did instead was console the person saying it- natasha my path was not the good one, and i know there is all sorts of path but to talk about it is brave and reward most importantly it can heal. unlike you i did not know the child in me, no name, no happy memories- all i knew is how to ignore while completely being broken, completely falling apart without admitting it, without feeling like i could speak about it and to do so would only make others sad, they would not know what to say and so on. so natasha never shut the door unless one day it closes gently- it is only way to get through it. four years later i am finally dealing with it- and now when people say hurtful things that are the cliches of sympathy i simply look at them and say that i would rather they say nothing- i tell them they can't fix it with words and that is okay and it is not there job and i appreciate them trying it would appreciate it more if they did not.( it turns out you only have to say it once)

    dear natasha come to the hill oneday.

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  6. i meant to write brave and raw not reward- so sorry

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  7. Acknowledgement is incredibly powerful isn't it. That's the most important thing that I have learned through teaching pre-natal yoga. Amidst the stories of pregnancy and birth there are always stories of loss. And I always say to the Muma: "I'm so sorry to hear of your loss." Those few simple words are received with SO much gratitude. Because I'm not only acknowledging loss, I'm acknowledging the mother and her baby.

    I hope this new year is yours Tash. I hope precious Liam is acknowledged, every day.

    Love to you sweet Muma x

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  8. i love love love the quote you posted....i love this idea of a certainty of something happening....either stepping or flying. yes.

    i can't begin to imagine the pain of losing your baby...very few can, thankfully. i am grateful that you have found a community of people who understand. having a safe place to say things out loud is helpful, in a difficult circumstance.

    i am here....still listening...and wishing you peace, continued gratitude and lots of avenues with which you can continue to hold your grief and reconcile this new life, a life that Liam left too soon.

    he is lucky that he had you to protect him while in the womb...and forever after.

    let's live in 2012....REALLY live...and honor the memory of things and people that have been lost along the way.

    xox

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  9. oh dear one... one day you will be reunited......Liam needs to be celebrated and loved always just like you are doing ...he is and always will be your sweet sweet son...he still needs you just as much as you still need him...take each precious memory and relish all the joy within it my friend. xoxoxox

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  10. Beautiful post Tash. So many things to ponder, to mention. It's such a delicate balance when it comes to talking about Liam. You're protecting his memory by speaking of him, by mothering him out loud, but you're also trying to protect yourself from hurtful comments like "it was meant to be." I think this is one of the hardest parts about babyloss, because we HAVE to talk about our kids, but then sometimes when we do, we are barraged by hurtful and insensitive comments, which often forces into a silent corner. I'm so sorry for what this person said.

    Liam sure has a special mother. I'm here, reading every post, listening and thinking of Liam.

    Gentleness to you today.

    Josh

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  11. Your words and love are so beautiful. Your son is so blessed to have you as his mom. Your protected him and continue to love him so unconditionally is breathtaking. He is an angel and cherishing his time on earth should be celebrated. I wish you peace and love in this new year.
    xo,
    Lulu

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  12. your a beautiful mother. x

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  13. May you land safely and gently in 2012. My warmest wishes for happier days ahead.
    Thinking of you, your partner and Liam xx

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  14. every person i've ever spoke to about grief and loss says that talking about it is the healthiest thing we can do. you're incredibly brave Tash, both you and J are. i'm very struck by what was whispered in your ear in the moment of embrace because those certainly weren't well thought out words or coming from a place of empathy. sometimes folks just don't know what the heck to say though, this has been what i've found anyways, and sometimes i've been there too and then say something just to be alive in expression but man the minute it leaves my lips i regret it. i hope that what she said wasn't what she meant.

    the number one thing i'm happy about from this post is that you are involved with the other mothers who lost their babies. this group setting sounds so very safe, nurturing and validating. just what you need at this pivotal time. it would do everyone some good to bear witness to a gathering like that, sure puts things into perspective and we'd be less likely to take things for granted as well as glance over upon someone else's life thinking it's a certain way but never knowing the potential turmoil going on behind the scenes.

    i'd love to listen to you talk about gifts you've received from Liam and it is at least very special to be able to read about the ones you share here. blessings and prayers to you my friend, i won't say happy new year. what i will say is that i wish you calm hearts, courage and tenacity throughout the moments of challenge and strife. may love be the potent balm for you to absorb as often as possible. xoox ♥

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  15. You are so very welcome hun. We're here for a reason. I too am the one bring up my daughter and force to hide. Feel better. I am following you.

    Check out mines
    http://nmephotoblog.blogspot.com/

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  16. I just stumbled across your blog as I was browsing another and I have to say you are one strong women. I wish you all the best and pray that your comforted during the hard times.

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  17. It's not nearly the same thing, but when my Mum died, I felt like no one could say anything right too. The one that annoyed me the most was when people would tell me they didn't know how I was coping, that they wouldn't be able to cope if they lost their Mum. It used to piss me off so much! I felt like they were saying that it didn't matter as much to me, and so many other things. Which, in retrospect, I see they weren't. I suppose I was just angry and upset and flaring up at everything. The unfairness of life is unexplainable. I think you're amazing. Kellie xx

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  18. Beautifully wrote!

    "it just wasn't meant to be". It doesn't seem to matter how much time goes by, hearing comments like this seem to hurt as bad as right after my son passed and I think they always will.

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