I come here and share bits and pieces of my life. Snippets. In words and photographs.
I wanted to tell you about our weekend in Vermont. About how Winter is still transforming into Spring up in the mountains. About the white peeks and the raw earth and the damp mountain air. I wanted to tell you that like the seasons, i'm also transforming. Adjusting. Accepting. I wanted to share photos that we took along the trail we hiked up into the hills. I wanted to tell you about the twisting stream we followed and the old wooden bridges we crossed. But our weekend was also full of painful reminders and tears. The couple walking towards us on the trail, pushing their baby in a stroller. Justin taking my hand. Us bowing our heads as we pass them by. Tears hidden behind my sunglasses.
You see, every moment of every day I miss him. And I wonder. What would life be like with Liam in it? What would this moment be like if he were here? I stand on a mountain top and I see a world of browns and yellows and splashes of green, and it's beautiful beyond words, and what am I thinking? This is Springtime my love. I wish you were here to see your first Spring. I wish you were slung across my chest right now. Bouncing. Giggling. Breathing in the fresh mountain air with me.
The reminders are everywhere. Everyday. Families. Babies. Pregnant mothers with beautiful blooming bellies. And I think of my Liam. I think about all the things he's missing out on. I think about all the things i'm missing out on as his mama. I reach out to him every day with the hope that he can somehow feel how much I miss and love him. I can't carry Liam the way I so desperately want to, but he is always with me. You can't see my baby, but I carry him in my heart. And I hope that my love for him comes through in my words and photographs.