April 22, 2012

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I come here and share bits and pieces of my life. Snippets. In words and photographs.

I wanted to tell you about our weekend in Vermont. About how Winter is still transforming into Spring up in the mountains. About the white peeks and the raw earth and the damp mountain air. I wanted to tell you that like the seasons, i'm also transforming. Adjusting. Accepting. I wanted to share photos that we took along the trail we hiked up into the hills. I wanted to tell you about the twisting stream we followed and the old wooden bridges we crossed. But our weekend was also full of painful reminders and tears. The couple walking towards us on the trail, pushing their baby in a stroller. Justin taking my hand. Us bowing our heads as we pass them by. Tears hidden behind my sunglasses.

You see, every moment of every day I miss him. And I wonder. What would life be like with Liam in it? What would this moment be like if he were here? I stand on a mountain top and I see a world of browns and yellows and splashes of green, and it's beautiful beyond words, and what am I thinking? This is Springtime my love. I wish you were here to see your first Spring. I wish you were slung across my chest right now. Bouncing. Giggling. Breathing in the fresh mountain air with me.

The reminders are everywhere. Everyday. Families. Babies. Pregnant mothers with beautiful blooming bellies. And I think of my Liam. I think about all the things he's missing out on. I think about all the things i'm missing out on as his mama. I reach out to him every day with the hope that he can somehow feel how much I miss and love him. I can't carry Liam the way I so desperately want to, but he is always with me. You can't see my baby, but I carry him in my heart. And I hope that my love for him comes through in my words and photographs.

Justin  Tash Stream

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22 comments:

  1. Tash this is So beautiful. I feel all of your words. They ring true to my heart. The constant, constant, constant missing. That no beauty or joy takes away and somehow compounds the missing and the wishing and the wondering. I can enjoy all the things you speak of but wouldn't it be that much more beautiful, that much better IF... IF

    Sending love

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  2. The missing is all there is. I try and see beauty, I try to experience joy but all there is now is shades of grey and missing. xo

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  3. Your love SHINES through it all!

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  4. Your photographs are hauntingly beautiful, and your words ring clear, strong, and sonorous, a glorious symphony of love for your boy.

    I know about constant reminders, and I feel your longing. I miss Liam with you, and am holding you both in my heart, lovely Tash. xoxo

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  5. dear Tash I sense your isolation in these photos.. it must be so difficult for both you and Justin.. I understand Liam is with you but not in the physical way your heart so desires. You can only do what you do...carry on living life, breathing in its beauty where you find it, continue your journey of healing and keep Liam close xxx

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  6. Your words tell of your love as do your pictures. Simply beautiful words from a simply beautiful momma who misses her baby. I wish there were words that helped to ease this pain. Sending you love and thoughts of peace.

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  7. Those photos are almost hauntingly beautiful. I think they're a good reflection of how you're feeling. So much love combined with pain.

    It's tragic that as humans, we have this strong need to have physical validation and reassurance, but he's there. He's with you. <3

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  8. Beautiful black & whites, Tash.
    xoxo

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  9. these photos are so empty and full at the same time, much like your heart...it sounds. x

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  10. Oh my dear friend...wish I could take your pain away somehow....I can only imagine your sorrow and emptiness as I look at your photos. He is with you dear one and he feels your love. xoxoxo

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  11. Liam most definitely feels your love and devotion. Don't ever stop talking to him. You hit it on the head - I constantly think how different my day-to-day life would be with A here. I resent the loneliness. I hate this life without him.

    Thank you for eloquently expressing what I think and feel each and every day. Having Justin and being able to lean on each other is like a life-jacket. When you're too worn out from treading water, slip into the life-jacket and float for awhile.

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  12. It certainly comes through Tash. This writing and these pictures are so moving and layered and poignant. I can feel you guys walking along the trail, I can feel you grab hands and all of the thoughts swirling through your heads simultaneously. I find these moments so pure, in the sense that the missing is just the missing. And oh how Liam is missed. I'm so sorry he isn't here. I hope he feels your love and affection in the same way I hope Margot does.

    Peace to you and Justin and your Liam, safely tucked away in your being.

    Josh

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  13. Thank you for sharing snippets of your life here. I look at people, too, with their little ones, and wonder what Nathaniel would look like, what would he be doing had he survived? When I see strollers in the world, just like Nathaniel's tucked in the corner in the basement, but these ones full of babies, I'm all raw nerve again.

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  14. Tash I'm new here. I'm not sure how I have missed following you, as I see your comments everywhere. Your love for Liam is so clear and your photos are exquisite. I would be honoured to follow your story from now on.
    Sally
    xo

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  15. Tash, I follow you on instagram (Hazelnigella). I clicked on your blog link and found your heartfelt story. I don't have any words to describe how it made me feel for you. But I hope that you know that I am so sorry for how these things must be so painful. Your love for Liam is very much present in your posts.

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  16. :( keep the faith. stay strong. the future awaits. families can be together, you know. if you have any questions, please do ask.

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  17. Tash, there is no doubt in my mind and heart that Liam feels you reaching out to him. your love for that darling boy is immeasurable and cascades out of every cell in your being. when i got to you can't see my baby, well that really resonated with me for you. i ache for you to be able to share your mothering pride, to nurture your son and i understand how hard it is to pass by the reminders of what you're missing so much.

    some days i wish to be transported to an island all alone, well maybe just me & Sean. no outside stresses and perhaps a bit less comparison to the ones leading the life i had hoped would be mine. i do send you all my love from afar; keep writing these beautiful tributes. it's helping me not feel so alone and i'm sure others are feeling the same way too. you are a voice that matters and you are an inspiration to keep moving on whatever obscure direction the path of life takes. xo ♥

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  18. I'm thinking of you lovely Tash xox

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  19. This is so beautifully written and summs up exactly how I feel. I too try to take comfort in the fact that even though our babies are not with us in the same, tangable, obvious ways that they should be and that they are for other moms. They are right here with us, beside us and in our hearts every single day...

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  20. We can see it. Liam is everything. Kellie xx

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  21. Just catching up on older posts - sorry I've been away for a while...

    Your words and images are beautiful. I wish I could your pain, but sadly, as with many of your followers, I know all too well that nothing can ease the pain.

    Thinking of lovely Liam.

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