October 25, 2012

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We are at 26 weeks. He has an 80% chance of survival now.

Of course I know it isn't just a matter of being at a certain gestation. I know there are so many factors that play into whether a baby will survive.

Here in Montréal, doctors typically start using intensive medical intervention to try to save a preemie at 24 weeks. Last year, we missed the cutoff point by just a few days. The morning before I went into labor, the doctor told us that we would be transferred to a hospital with a neonatal intensive care unit in two days time. I developed a fever that evening and the contractions started. Liam was born the next afternoon. He was perfectly healthy and stronger than the doctors thought, but they didn't have the necessary equipment to help him. Liam never got his chance. My beautiful, brave little boy never got his 30%.

I have no idea what tomorrow will bring, and really, neither do you. Nobody knows what will happen even in the next moment.

But here I am 26 weeks pregnant. This is huge for us. Every week is a milestone, and after 19+ weeks of bedrest, i'll take the statistic. I'll take the 80% and whatever else is next.

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People ask about the bedrest and how i'm feeling.

I do everything lying on my side. I'm not allowed to sit up. I get up only to use the bathroom. I take one seated shower per week for a maximum of 10 minutes. I take progesterone hormones to help prevent premature labor. I take medication to help prevent blood clots. I take stool softeners and suppositories. I take 7 different vitamins. I call my doctor every week to update her on how i'm doing. For appointments, J carries me to the car and lies me down on the backseat to transport me.

There isn't anything fun about this pregnancy. I depend on others to care for me. I worry all the time. I'm brittle. Tired. This living week-to-week and counting down and watching my every move in this bed is exhausting. Physically, mentally and emotionally, i'm drained.

But I know why I need to stay very still in this bed. I know who i'm doing this for, and i'm beyond grateful for him every day.

\Giving him every chance

\Handmade dream catcher by Séverine, a lovely Montréal artist. She weaved two crystals into the web, one for me and one for my baby

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44 comments:

  1. Oh it sounds so hard. But yet determination and love make it an easy decision to survive the difficult. Every pregnancy after loss is abdolutely hell. This is just your personal version of it. I'm glad things are going well physically speaking. I bet youre sore from laying down do much. I hope you have visitors and things to keep you occupied like ziggy. You are doing a great job. I'd say 14 more weeks with an ! But that is a very long time in baby loss pregnancy land. I wonder are they going to have you give birth prior to full term? Thinking of you.

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    1. If all goes well, my doctor will remove the cerclage at 35/36 weeks. I've heard of some women who dilate right there on the OR table within seconds of the removal, and of others who's pregnancies go on for weeks. Each person's body and pregnancy is so different of course. For now our focus is 28 weeks, which has been our pregnancy goal from the start. I really can't believe that i'm 26 weeks. This is pretty huge for me. So now i'm trying to have faith in my body, and that it will keep him safe and take us even further. Thanks so much for your encouragement Renel.

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  2. You're so brave my friend. I can't imagine how difficult being tied to your side would be. Once you get closer to full term, are you able to move around more? I hope that everything is a smooth transition after your little one is born, and that you become restored full of life and energy again! :D

    Best wishes and thoughts.

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    1. Thanks my friend. I'll be off of bedrest when the cerclage is removed at around 35 weeks yes.
      I hope you're doing well x

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  3. Glad to hear you are progressing - my heart goes out to you.

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  4. I check in every week, holding my breath and crossing my fingers. I'm so happy you've made it this far and am rooting for you everyday.
    I have a friend that was on bed rest in the hospital with twins. I know that near the end of her pregnancy she negotiated the delivery of the babies. She kept them in as long as she could but was starting to have anxiety and panic attacks from keeping still for so many months. Not having experienced this myself I can only imagine how difficult it must be.

    I am 8 weeks pregnant now and have a Hematoma. I too am resting but am not on bed rest. The doctors don't know why these things happen but there is nothing to be done. One has to hope that it will resolve itself.

    You and your story give me hope. Thank you.

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    1. I've been thinking about you K. I'm so glad to hear that you're pregnant. I won't say congratulations, but I will quietly hope that this pregnancy thrives. God why are there so many pregnancy complications for some people? I'm sorry to hear about the hematoma. I'm glad that you're resting, and I hope it helps resolve it.

      I'm feeling lucky to have such a great care team this time, and my doctor listens to allll my worries and concerns. I can call her anytime, and I do, even if it's just for piece of mind. If all goes well, the cerclage will be removed at 35/36 weeks, and then we'll see. For now our next goals are set for 28 weeks and then 30 weeks. I hope everything went well for your friend and her babies.

      I'll be thinking about you. Please email me news. Sending love and crossed fingers.

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  5. Wow! That really puts things into perspective. I feel for you so much. It must be so hard - but you're doing it! You're amazing!

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  6. Wow, just wow. Your love and determination is inspiring. You are amazing! Your little man is so lucky to feel your love and have his mama doing everything humanly possible for him to thrive!

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  7. 26 weeks and 80% chance - those are substantial numbers. I used to take comfort in the science - and little else really. As you say, there are no guarantees, but you are doing all you can to help achieve the outcome you so dearly wish for.

    I love the new bird on your blog by the way.

    Thinking of you and sending you strength and support to just continue doing exactly as you've been doing - growing and nurturing your special second son.

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  8. I notice your ikea bedspread and smile that we can have similarities across so much space. I grew up in Montreal. Montreal is happy for me. It's where I had some of the happiest years of my life. Where I was innocent and also not. But not as broken as I am now. Sometimes I wish for my Montreal days but then I look at all my life is now, and I don't. Maybe I just want the innocent glint of happiness in my eyes that I had then.

    I am rooting for you and hoping for an 80% chance little boy.

    Remembering Liam.

    Em

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  9. I've been thinking about you and this pregnancy A LOT. I want to message you almost every day. I'm sorry this time around is so very trying...but you are a warrior. Without hesitation, I can see you would do absolutely anything and everything. You are so so strong.
    Know that you are in my thoughts. I'm sending you love. I look forward to your future. And I want to and hope so much for you every day.

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  10. You are amazing. How lucky your babies are to have a Mommy who loves them so much. I was on bed rest for 2 weeks and thought I was going crazy. Have you found some great books to read, old sappy movies to watch? Watching the clock with you, sending you strength and love across the miles. <3

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    1. I've been reading yes, and lots of surfing the net to distract myself. Thank you Paula <3

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  11. Bedrest sounds awful. I'm sorry. The waiting must be really excruciating - I think of you often as I go about my day. Isn't it strange how that happens? How we can become invested in the hopes and fears of someone we barely know? But, I am hoping - hoping that the days pass as peacefully as possible, that there as many of them as possible and that Liam's little brother is safe, safe, safe. Sending a big hug and a million hopeful wishes.

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  12. Tash you are doing an amazing job! I know the worry must be so difficult on a daily basis -and oh so draining - but it is what you must do, and so you are doing it!!

    I am picturing your sweet little kitty curled in next to you keeping you company - listening to some Bon Iver : )

    I am so glad to hear an update again - as always lots of thoughts, hope, and hugs are coming your way!!
    xo

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  13. Oh Tash. You are doing so amazingly. It will all be worth it. Hang in there. I'm thinking about you every day here.

    My subsequent pgs were a bit of a struggle too. I became sensitized to Rh anti-D when my winrho shots failed (it happened during the last tri with C. but unrelated to her death). So, I was monitored by the perinatal team from about 19w on. And the regular blood draws to check titer levels. Every day I knew there was a battle going on within me...my body trying to harm my children and my children fighting back to survive. Luckily, with the great care we received, they both made it. But I remember those days through the second and third tri as very, very long. That and going to every weekly scan wondering if this would be the day they told me news I didn't want to hear.

    Take strength from every one around you. You're doing so well and we're all cheering for you and Liam's little brother. ♥

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    1. I'm so happy they made it. The not knowing is so hard, on top of the knowing everything that can go wrong. That did go wrong.

      Remembering your daughter C <3

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    2. Thanks, Tash. Much love to you. There's not a day that goes by that I don't stop and think and wonder how you're doing.

      Always remembering Liam too. ♥

      P.S. LM was my second sensitized pregnancy. According to science and common wisdom about isoimmunized pregnancies, I should have had a rougher time: intrauterine transfusions for sure, earlier delivery (34w), LM more affected and needing greater postnatal care. But he surprised everyone. He didn't require any of the above. Moral of the story...sometimes things can go better than we ever thought. Sometimes we DO catch a break.

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  14. I'm here rooting for you and baby boy every day and every week. What you have accomplished is simply amazing. I did weeks of bed rest myself but not nearly as much time as you have put in. It does wear on you mentally and emotionally. I hope that you can hang in there Tash. You are doing an absolutely amazing job. Oh the lengths we go for our precious little ones. Wishing you all the best, always.

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  15. What an amazing mama and absolutely determined woman you are....I'm sure that BOTH your little boys know this so well, the one you are growing with so much love and the one you had to let go of, with so much love. Wishing you much success, peace and good health for the rest of your journey - fingers crossed!xx

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  16. My mama stay in bed like you for me 9 months. it was very difficult but she wanted a baby so very much she said she was going to do that again.after my birth she couldn't walk for 4 months. you are very strong woman and i believe that God is with you.
    I pray for you your baby every day.

    love
    Katerina FF
    Greece

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  17. i think that it is an amazing sacrifice you've made. I have a friend going through a long ordeal to have a baby due to severe endometriosis and I've seen how heartbreaking and difficult the road can be. I'm thinking of you every day and hoping for the best possible outcome for your family. x

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  18. Hi Tash. I think your determination, courage and love for this baby make up the remaining 20%. Thinking of you as always. Andrea x

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  19. Always thinking of you and J and L and the little one growing inside you. You write so eloquently and gracefully about something that would probably cultivate a serious bout of anger and fatalism in most people.

    It just sounds so tiring and draining Tash. What an arduous journey you guys have been walking. Peace to you in the hours ahead. Wishing and hoping for more and more days of you lying in bed as the autumn continues.

    Josh

    PS. I love the new design for the header.

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  20. Maybe you've seen In Time? Justin Timberlake? (It feels sacrilegious, even writing his name here...)

    But those devices, in the movie - where you can give other people time, transfer life-time to their credit, help them stay alive a little longer?

    I wish I had one. I'd give your son whatever percent he needs. Gladly.

    And while I'm dreaming, I'd go back in time and give up time and steal time and beg and borrow time and somehow I'd give time to Liam all the other children

    who so badly needed

    just a little bit

    ...more.

    xoxo CiM

    (And, if I could, I'd do ~ anything, even an hour, if only there were a way ~ some of *your* time, bed-forced time. You do it all, gladly. But it is heavy, heavy, wearing, heavy.)

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    1. I've heard about In Time. I will ask J to download it for me, it sounds interesting.

      If only it were possible... things could be so different for so many...

      Thank you for coming into my life and joining me here CiM. xx

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  21. I get how much of a milestone reaching every week is. I was filled with relief for each week that passed and worry for the next. It wasnt until right after delivery when I heard my husband say to me "he is healthy" that I exhaled. I think I cried enough tears of joy and relief to flood the operating room.I worry now of course about other things but not as bad that. I am thinking of you and your babies always xoxoox

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    1. You hit the nail on the head Michelle. Each week I think, phew one week closer to viability, one more week of growth and development. But immediately after I recognize that this relief is fleeting because of all the other things that can go wrong. Like how we lost A at 40w 4d. And I am preparing for a new set of worries once Dragon is here alive (hopefully).

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  22. Tash, you really are a source of inspiration to so many, including me. i think about how hard you're fighting for your son right now but in a very different way that includes no movement whatsoever. you are still and present and making your body his safe place to nest until his time to arrive. you fight to maintain this bubble of protection around him and stream in light from Liam's love the whole way through. the 26 week mark is big, and you're right...every second more counts towards something!!

    reading how you're living right now makes me think about infancy and how sort of paralleled your own experience is. to be cared for in this way, to have to rely on others and remain immobile. i feel like, in some ways, this makes you even closer to your children because this is how they experience the beginning of life too.

    the dream catcher is beautiful Tash and so is your spirit force. everyday you're in my thoughts and every night my prayers include you all too. much love. xo ♥

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  23. your new blog design is so beautiful. i love it. god bless you. you are already the most amazing mother. such strength. i have so much respect for you.

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  24. Tash - You're into your 27th week (I think). That's just incredible! Your description of bed rest is eye-opening and truthful. Thank you.

    Keep up the tough work. And keep on growing baby boy!

    Sending you love and tranquility as you remain so still.

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  25. Tash....your strength and courage is both beautiful and heart wrenching. Keep on, little man. And, keep on, mama.

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  26. "I have no idea what tomorrow will bring, and really, neither do you. Nobody knows what will happen even in the next moment." So very true.

    And yet, so exciting to have reached 26 weeks as well. But still so scary.

    Thinking of you Tash.

    Ronnie xo

    p.s. Will always remember your little boy Liam with you... I am so sorry he isn't here in your arms.

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  27. What a tough road. I'm pulling for you and Liam's little brother.

    Sending big love. xoxo

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  28. Yes, nothing is certain. Ever. But 80% is a statistic worth holding onto for sure. Bedrest does sound awful. I can sometimes distract myself from the grief during the day - busy myself doing one thing or another. Is it hard to find distraction from the grief when you have so much time to just be with yourself?

    The photos are so beautiful. Your butterfly tattoo couldn't be sweeter. Many prayers for you and your caretakers and your little one. <3

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    1. I try to fill up my days as best I can but there's only so much I can do. It's easy to fall apart in this bed, and I do. The grief takes over and all I want to do is hide under the blankets. But I know I have a job to do here, so I always manage to gather myself up again.

      Thank you Suzanne xx

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  29. well done Tash ....each day is bringing you closer to holding your son in your arms ...stay strong ...stay focused xxx

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  30. Be strong. You can do it. Sending lots of good thoughts your way.
    Robin
    xx

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  31. Hi Tash,

    Just found your blog after searching for IC & Montreal. I recently went through a twin loss due to incompetent cervix. I am located in Montreal also and very interesting in knowing who is treating you since I will be needing a cerclage 100% once we fall pregnant again. I'm searching for the best high-risk OB in Montreal. I've gotten many rave reviews about the Royal Vic while others are suggesting St-Justine.

    Any advice would be enormously appreciated.

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    1. Hi Jennifer,

      I'm so sorry for the loss of your twins.

      Dr. Alice Benjamin is treating me. We were strongly referred to her by both our OBGYN and doctor at the McGill Reproductive Centre. She is in a word amazing. She practices at the Royal Vic. She placed the cerclage at 12 weeks and I got to know the hospital during two stays now. We were very happy with the hospital care team who were all extremely knowledgable with high risk cases like ours.

      My email is tashmomy@gmail.com if you want to talk.

      Love and strength being sent your way.

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    2. Thanks a million Tash. I will email you for sure.
      I'm so happy to have found you and to read about your journey. It's providing me so so much hope right now. :)

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  32. I have only just stumbled across your blog and have been reading with tears in my eyes. I am so sorry you lost Liam but so happy you are pregnant again and have hit the all important 26 week mark. I hope the rest of your pregnancy goes smoothly and the bedrest doesn't drive you too crazy xxx

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  33. Just checking back in to offer support and encouragement. I think of you and your babies often and am hopeful that you are still plugging along with each day making a difference. 28 weeks is another huge milestone! Grow baby, grow!

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