update.

After spending over 7 months in bed, this part of my pregnancy journey is coming to an end.

The cerclage will be removed in 11 days, and then i'll be allowed up on my feet.

My doctor says I will likely go into labor soon after the stitches are removed.

Baby has stayed put way low and all scans since 20 weeks have shown him head down.

The pelvic pressure has been pretty intense throughout my entire pregnancy and i've been spotting here and there.

Dr. B says we can't afford any problems and that I need to keep a close eye on discharge and bleeding because it could signal an infection.

So I continue to lie very still in bed.

I continue to quietly count the days.

We desperately want a happy ending… this time.

We hope Liam's little brother will arrive safely on the other side very soon.


/Liam's tree and second Christmas ornament.

/16 steps from my bed to the bathroom. 16 steps back. But I always stop to take peeks of my growing belly.

28 weeks.

In this moment, my heart is filled with so many emotions. There's amazement and gratitude and hope.

We've waited a long, long time for 28 weeks.

Thank you so much to those who are checking in and hoping with us.

\\\

We are at 26 weeks. He has an 80% chance of survival now.

Of course I know it isn't just a matter of being at a certain gestation. I know there are so many factors that play into whether a baby will survive.

Here in Montréal, doctors typically start using intensive medical intervention to try to save a preemie at 24 weeks. Last year, we missed the cutoff point by just a few days. The morning before I went into labor, the doctor told us that we would be transferred to a hospital with a neonatal intensive care unit in two days time. I developed a fever that evening and the contractions started. Liam was born the next afternoon. He was perfectly healthy and stronger than the doctors thought, but they didn't have the necessary equipment to help him. Liam never got his chance. My beautiful, brave little boy never got his 30%.

I have no idea what tomorrow will bring, and really, neither do you. Nobody knows what will happen even in the next moment.

But here I am 26 weeks pregnant. This is huge for us. Every week is a milestone, and after 19+ weeks of bedrest, i'll take the statistic. I'll take the 80% and whatever else is next.

\\\

People ask about the bedrest and how i'm feeling.

I do everything lying on my side. I'm not allowed to sit up. I get up only to use the bathroom. I take one seated shower per week for a maximum of 10 minutes. I take progesterone hormones to help prevent premature labor. I take medication to help prevent blood clots. I take stool softeners and suppositories. I take 7 different vitamins. I call my doctor every week to update her on how i'm doing. For appointments, J carries me to the car and lies me down on the backseat to transport me.

There isn't anything fun about this pregnancy. I depend on others to care for me. I worry all the time. I'm brittle. Tired. This living week-to-week and counting down and watching my every move in this bed is exhausting. Physically, mentally and emotionally, i'm drained.

But I know why I need to stay very still in this bed. I know who i'm doing this for, and i'm beyond grateful for him every day.

\Giving him every chance

\Handmade dream catcher by Séverine, a lovely Montréal artist. She weaved two crystals into the web, one for me and one for my baby

23 weeks.

I've been quiet lately

Turning inward

Gathering myself

Ticking off each day, each week

As we inch closer to our 28-week goal

We had this same exact goal last year

We counted down each day, each week

Until we had to stop counting at 23 weeks and 3 days

On the 4th day, Liam was born, and died

What a hard\strange\sad\happy time this is

\\\

I spend my time reading, writing and meditating. "My womb is safe. My baby is safe". I spend my time with a small number of people who are able to be with what is.

I talk to Liam everyday. I talk to his little brother kicking and turning about in my belly too. I'm doing the best that I can and trying to get through this. I don't think I can describe this pregnancy in any other way. There is fear and hope and love. So much love for both my boys. The one who I wish was here, and the one who I hope doesn't come for a little while longer.

\\\

The cervical cerclage was placed on Saturday evening

And after spending 4 days in the hospital, we're home

I'm on strict bed rest with bathroom privileges now

Justin and my parents do everything

I'm so thankful for them

\\\

As I grow this new life

And hope for this pregnancy to hold

And as we approach Liam's first birthday

There are so many thoughts and feelings swirling around

It's the strangest mixture of emotions that i've ever experienced

And I can't seem to be able to put any of it into words

So for now I just want to say thank you

For your thoughts and hopes and for journeying with me from afar


\\\ Holding on very still

\\\ Missing so very much