October 2, 2012

23 weeks.

I've been quiet lately

Turning inward

Gathering myself

Ticking off each day, each week

As we inch closer to our 28-week goal

We had this same exact goal last year

We counted down each day, each week

Until we had to stop counting at 23 weeks and 3 days

On the 4th day, Liam was born, and died

What a hard\strange\sad\happy time this is


I spend my time reading, writing and meditating. "My womb is safe. My baby is safe". I spend my time with a small number of people who are able to be with what is.

I talk to Liam everyday. I talk to his little brother kicking and turning about in my belly too. I'm doing the best that I can and trying to get through this. I don't think I can describe this pregnancy in any other way. There is fear and hope and love. So much love for both my boys. The one who I wish was here, and the one who I hope doesn't come for a little while longer.




  1. I can't imagine how complex this journey of yours is, but regardless, remember every moment, and don't be afraid to be excited. Liam is watching over you. <3

  2. I am so happy you posted!!! I think of you often and I am sending you more hugs and warm thoughts : )

  3. Oh Tash, such an intense mix of emotions ... and so much time to think about them. I'm so glad you posted, too. I think of you often. 23 weeks ... whatever else it is, it's pretty amazing. You're amazing. Hang in there little baby! Love, Kellie xx

  4. I've been thinking of you Tash. And I'm so glad your little baby boy is growing strong...day by day...getting closer to that safe week. You're doing so well. I'm so amazed by you. Love to you and your beautiful baby belly. xx

  5. You´re in my thoughts, it will all be well. :-)

  6. Oh Tash, I've been thinking about you, and wondering how you are doing out there. It's going to be ok this time - don't lose faith.

  7. I've seen you comment on a few blogs I follow, so I've been convinced you and your growing babe were alive and well. ... But I've been thinking of you lots. I wonder how your days go.. I wonder if you are at peace, or in constant bouts of fret. I'm glad you meditate. I'm relieved to hear you are inching towards your goal.

    I think of you, I think of Liam, and I think of his new baby brother growing inside you. Your belly looks beautiful.

    Send love. Send peace

    Love Veronica

  8. Hello sunshine.. I have been thinking of you. So glad to see you writing- which is something I too need to do.
    Sending love and light... xo

  9. It's lovely to hear you here. I've been thinking about you and your boys. This must be a terribly difficult week for your head and heart. I am sending hope and wishes out to the universe, hopes and wishes that Liam's baby brother stays put, keeps growing, is kept safe for you.

  10. Surely an especially difficult week. Hold on tight little brother! Love to you and J and both your boys.

  11. Inching closer...

    We continue to breathe deeply for you guys, hoping he keeps hanging in there. I can only imagine the great trepidation you face moment by moment.

    Peace to you Tash,


  12. Oh I pray that you can keep counting. Love to you and your boys.

  13. I know, gosh how I know... Was it Sally who described pregnancy after loss as that 'brutally slow crawl..." I'm probably mis-quoting her, but she was spot on.

    We're all behind you - I wish you peace and calm and a long, long, pregnancy xx

  14. Sending you love,

  15. Oh my gosh, I' have been sitting here, waiting for an update for so long. Thinking of you every day, even over here on the other side of the world.

    Sending you peace and love...every long step of the way. Moment by moment is all we can do. All I could do during my subsequent pregnancies.

    ♥ Liam ♥

  16. I think you're doing an incredible job. You are in my daily thoughts.

  17. I can't imagine how much you are processing. you are brave. Liam's warrior mama. Just hang in there. every single day matters. Sending much love. xo

  18. Still here and still hoping for you, love. I wish so much that Liam could be here, too. xoxo

  19. I'be been hoping all is well. I will continue to keep you in prayers and thoughts that all goes well....that time goes by and your baby grows and you can feel hope in his arrival!

  20. Oh 23 weeks. I don't think I'll have an easy moment being 23 weeks pregnant.

    Thinking of you and your boys. One that I wish so very much were here with you. And the other that I hope stays safe inside for some time yet to come before arriving safe and screaming into his mama's arms. So very loved, your sweet sons.

  21. I love these pictures <3 and your mantra. I am breathing these words as well, and sending extra love through this week and and every day until Liam's little brother arrives safely <3

  22. Brothers. How beautiful. I suppose being on bed rest means there's no distraction so you must just be with all those emotions - challenging in some ways, beautiful in others. Happy Birthday Liam - Stay safe baby brother xxx

  23. I spend my time with a small number of people who are able to be with what is.


    you are growing
    ~ always
    your brother
    both of you
    your mother
    in her heart
    in her mind
    I hope you stay in
    until you


    Aching for you to hold this Little One, but not until ~~~

    and always aching for Liam.

    Here in what is,


  24. Just thinking about you this morning. Every day matters.

  25. Tash, this is the most beautiful entry. the sorrow is excruciating but in the same breath you keep moving and don't ever become too still so that the next movement becomes that much harder to make. through your deepest despair Liam's light rests on you and i believe in him watching over his little brother too. the way you are honoring both your sons is sacred, a space in your heart that beats solely for them. i'm thinking of you and praying for you all to be well, happy and free from any strain. much love. xo ♥

  26. Just thinking of you dear one...will keep you all in my prayers. xoxoxox

  27. What an especially rough week to an especially rough pregnancy. As you already know, I'm thinking of you always and both your boys. Sending love,

  28. thinking of you ...on your journey :) xxx

  29. I can't understand the pain that you are going through so all I offer you are my thoughts and prayers for courage and grace and a safe delivery. it seems to me you have 2/3 of those already.

    brothers have an incredibly special bond. I've watched my best friend tragically lose his younger brother (aged 20, from undiagnosed diabetes) and he describes it as a piece of his life shifting to a place he can't quite reach yet. we listened to xavier rudd - paper thin a lot.

    peace and blessings. x

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  31. Oh Tash. I understand. I really do.

    The subsequent pregnancy after loss like this is just so terribly hard. It's almost too hard for other people to grasp how hard it is. So many different emotions. Joy. Hope. Anxiety. Sadness. Grief. Uncertainty. And hope again.

    We lost our firstborn son Cameron in September 2007 at 41 weeks. We celebrated his 5th birthday just over a month ago. Four months after losing Cameron, we fell pregnant with our second son Angus. It was the most terrifying nine months of my life, as well as having to learn to grief and hope at the same time...

    I will be holding you close in my heart during this time.

    Ronnie xo

    1. I'm so sorry for the loss of your Cameron.

      Yes, I find it hard to relate to others. I'm just concentrating on each day and focusing on each goal and doing what I need to do to get through this.

      Thank you Ronnie xx