sunday.

At the end of an afternoon that included lunch at our favorite Indian restaurant, take away samosas for later, holding hands, random street art and hot cocoa, we plopped down on the sofa with our cat Ziggy. Me on my iPad, J on his laptop and Ziggy happily tucked between us. Me surfing the blogs, J on Fstoppers and Ziggy purrs filling every corner of our little living room. This is more or less what our Sundays looks like. Us. Living quietly. Missing terribly.

The night ended with a lit fire, wine, those samosas and the season finale of Dexter.

Then I touched my son's urn and went to sleep.


** I found these angels in a little shop last month, they're Christmas presents for Liam's great grandparents, grand parents and aunt and uncle.


*** This is Ziggy. We adopted him last month. 

i am.

I am a woman
I have a deformed womb
I have an incompetent cervix
I have a minuscule number of eggs
I'm 37 years old

In 2009 the doctor said we had a 2% chance of conceiving naturally
In 2010 our son proved the statistics wrong
The doctor said our baby was a blessing
Liam was a blessing yes

At 19 weeks I ruptured
I was rushed to the hospital and had emergency cerclage
My water broke the next day
Amniotic fluids trickled down my leg from that day on
The doctors said it was a "slow leak"
Baby Liam needed to be monitored closely

I had to stay very still in bed
I could move from side to side
I could lift my head to eat
I could lift my bottom onto the bed pan (but no pushing!)

Liam liked icy water, orange juice and listening to Bob Marley tunes which I played straight into my belly every night
Liam and his daddy liked to poke at each other through my belly which melted my heart every single time
Liam always stayed put for the nurses when it was time to listen to his heart beat (3 times per day)
Liam didn't like the Trendelenburg position

For 26 days there were doctors, nurses, orderlies, a hematologist, a physiotherapist, a dietician, ultrasounds, heart monitoring, blood tests and anticoagulant injections
For 26 days there was guilt, fear, tears, disbelief and helplessness
For 26 days I prayed to God to help us
For 26 days I never once prepared myself for his death

Trickles suddenly turned into big gushes of fluids
Every 15 minutes I braced myself
Stay with me Liam, not yet my love
Please someone help us!
The doctor said there wasn't anything they could do
They put me back into Trendelenburg position
I developed a fever of 40.9
The contractions started

The doctor told us that an ambulance would take me to a high risk hospital for delivery
30 minutes later he came back to tell us that no hospital would take us
I had a fever, Liam might have a fever, it was too risky
Nobody wanted to try
Nobody wants to even try?
I would stay and deliver Liam
The doctor said that they wouldn't resuscitate him after he died
After all of this nobody wants to try?
Justin pushed a chair across the room
I went into shock
The next 15 hours were a blur

In the OR they gave me a spinal and removed the cerclage
I went back to my room in the maternity ward to wait
The spinal wore off in the morning and the contractions became unbearable
An anesthesiologist came to give me an injection for the pain
My mom held my hand, Justin fed me ice chips and my dad paced the room

If you passed by our room you just might have thought that we were having a take home baby
But then our tears and sad faces would give us all away

Liam was born on August 6, 2011
He was 23 weeks and 3 days
He was perfectly healthy
He grew big and strong
He had Justin's eyes and nose
He had my lips and chin
He had chubby cheeks
He was so beautiful

He breathed on his own for one hour and 29 minutes
I asked the doctor if they could transfer him to a high risk hospital now
The doctor said that the transfer would kill him
So he dies if he stays and he dies if he goes...

I am a mother
My son died
Last week a stranger asked me if I had children
No. I mean yes. YES I do… but he died.

We are back at the fertility centre now
Our IVF journey has officially begun

We didn't get very far on our first round
Two weeks of hormone injections
Twice the dosages increased
My body wasn't responding
The doctors expected much more

I produced four follicles
One of them matured
But it ended up being abnormal
We didn't make it to the transfer stage

Our Liam, he was a blessing yes

** I time travel back into that hospital bed every so often. Those are the last 27 days that I had with my son so I hold on to the memory of them as tightly as I can. When you lose a baby you aren't left with much, an urn, a few photos, an outfit, and the memory of what little time you had together. Such excruciatingly little time. My son blessed me with 163 beautiful days, and 27 of them happen to be spent in a hospital bed. Nobody knows what might happen even the next minute, one day you are in the lavender fields, the next you're in the hospital. Life. is. fragile.

I share my journey because it helps me. Thank you for listening.

It's still dark outside, the house is quiet, your candle is lit and all my thoughts are of you right now. Today you were supposed to have been born to us my winter baby. Today I was supposed to leave the hospital with the most amazing early Christmas gift I could have ever imagined. Beautiful you, bundled safely in my arms.

This is the last photo taken of us together which I had wanted to share with others but we were rushed to hospital the next day. Your daddy and I drove to a lavender field and spent the day walking and breathing in the beautiful view. Everywhere we went people smiled and congratulated us. I was blooming and absolutely giddy because I could feel you move as we walked through the fields.

Carrying you brought me so much love. I've never felt as happy as when we were together. People tell me to remember the good times which is really hard to do because all I can do is feel the pain of losing you. This morning i'm remembering our last little adventure together and i'm missing you terribly.

Your mama misses you and loves you so much.