February 20, 2012

one.


Last week ended on a hopeful note and we made it to a transfer. Of nine eggs that were collected, six were abnormal. Three eggs went on to fertilize but two of them were developing abnormally and had to be destroyed. That left us with one. One chance for this cycle. The embryologist told us that our egg was developing "correctly" and so it was transferred into my body on Friday morning.

The transfer itself was quick but overwhelming. As the doctor implanted and we watched the procedure on the flat screen TV above our heads, J and I looked at each other with tears in our eyes. Our thoughts were with Liam. He will always be our son. We will always live and breathe his absence. I held my necklace with one hand and J's hand with the other, and through our tears we smiled. We smiled for this chance.

Now we wait. Time will tell.

I'm at home for two weeks, slowing down, resting and yes, i'm even preparing my body for the possibility of another child. If this turns into a pregnancy then we'll have to prepare for a long and hard road ahead. My high risk doctor is waiting for my call with a positive and then i'm in her hands. But for now that's looking too far ahead. For now I need to catch my breath, breathe and try to relax into whatever will happen next.

Thank you for your touching comments, for your thoughts and hopes and wishes! I really can't tell you how much it's meant to be able to come here and share and connect with such amazing people like you.

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28 comments:

  1. Oh Natasha I am so hopeful for you!! After I had 2 miscarriages, I remember feeling like I was holding my breath to find out if I was pregnant again.
    Treat yourself well over the next couple of weeks my friend...and I will be thinking of your often.
    xo
    Ashlyn

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  2. was thinking of you all week lady. Now I'll be sending all the positive vibes I have your way. Positive strong vibes. Call me if you need any old thing
    xoxoxoxo
    J

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  3. Natasha I so hope that you are able to report good news in a couple of weeks! I have a friend who has been in the same situation and I know how heartwrenching and stressful it can be. Try to rest, think positive thoughts!I'll be thinking about you guys!

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  4. Hey Tash, Wow, that sounds intense going through all that. You're in my thoughts! Don't overwhelm yourself with thoughts of "what-if's", just live and breath. :)

    Thanks for your comment, will be doing a post of memories and stories of our friend soon.

    Take care

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  5. Keep your feet up and just breathe easy. I will be holding you in my toughts.

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  6. If IVF could succeed on good thoughts alone, you'd be golden! I will be thinking of you and J and keeping my fingers crossed that this one is completely uneventful, nothing out of the ordinary, just a textbook dream pregnancy because it's what you deserve. Saying 'good luck' seems so inadequate but it's what I'm wishing for you. xx

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  7. I'll be thinking of you and hoping for your rainbow.xo

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  8. I'm hoping for you too. Kellie xx

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  9. Oh I am so wishing this happens for you both. Try to stay positive and relax. Sending prayers your way!

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  10. will so be thinking of you both in the weeks to come. thank YOU for sharing snippets and pieces of your beautifully enduring journey. There is such power and truth found in it! xoxo

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  11. Hi Natasha..I'm so pleased that things are looking so hopeful ....take things easy, live in these precious moments and remember 'what you focus on you will get"....my love and thoughts as always Lisa xxx

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  12. Quietly holding my breath for you here.

    I understand how you felt at the transfer... When I went for our first early scan with this little guy, I couldn't help but cry... It was all so haunting, so sad, so hopeful. It takes a lot of courage to go down this road, I'm hoping that you are rewarded for taking such a huge leap of faith.

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  13. I'm hoping, praying for you. Sending you a big hug,
    xo,
    Lulu

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  14. Tash I am hoping, hoping, hoping that all goes well.

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  15. Tash I am sending vast amounts of love, light, hope.. and baby dust. xo...

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  16. i read this, i cried and cried. you guys are two amazing people who inspire me. all my wishes will go to you both.

    love
    n

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  17. Hi Natasha. I just discovered your blog. I am so sorry for the loss of your son. I also lost my baby Amelie, one minute she was in my arms, she was ok - the next she was gone (from a rare genetic disorder we had no idea she had). I lost her when she was 19 days old, 7 months ago. I too will be starting IVF/with PGD the end of this month. All of these emotions you are feeling, I know too well. Grief, loss, fear...while trying to have hope for the future, for a healthy baby. Yearning for a a new healthy baby, while missing our child who we should have gotten to keep, it is so hard. I hope I can be as strong as you. Thinking of you and hoping very much you will have success the first time. I am glad I have found your blog and will be checking in. x

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  18. Be here now Tash. Now, be here.

    Thinking of you from across the oceans x

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  19. Thinking of you guys every day, hoping a mountain of hope for success.

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  20. Fingers and toes crossed! xoxoxo

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  21. Just popping in to say that I am thinking of you during this waiting period. Hope you are doing ok.

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  22. Fingers crossed for you guys. Sending patience & serenity.

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  23. Thank you for thinking of us and for the hopes you send from over the oceans and lands and mountains. Thank you so very much.

    Zita, i'm so sorry for the loss of your Amelie. I'm sending love and light as you start to prepare for IVF and i'm here if I can support you in any way at all. IVF after loss and trying after loss is hard, we know life's cruelty and uncertainty, yet here we are hoping and stepping forward into the unknown. I'm stepping with you, and hoping with all my heart for you. I will be following you along on your journey too. xx

    Brianna, this waiting is hard! It's really nice to know that you're thinking of me, thank you for coming by and letting me know. xx

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  24. hope is a thing with feathers
    that perches in the soul,
    and sings the tune--without the words
    and never stops at all.

    -emily dickinson

    thinking of you.

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  25. Love being sent you way...and prayers {and a hug or two} xoxoxox

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  26. tash, I've come back here every day since you posted this....just to make sure that things were proceeding on plan, on hope....on faith.

    thinking of you and sending the most positive energy I can find.

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  27. Tash, thank you for congratulating me the other day. It means a lot to me. I have my fingers crossed for you for this cycle! Sending you lots of positive vibes...

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  28. Kayla, thank you for this. Emily Dickinson is one of my favorites and I don't think i've turned to her as much as these past 7 months. x

    Koralee, thank you dear friend. x

    Oh Natalie, thanks for thinking of me and checking in. On hope and faith yes.. xx PS: i've also been checking in on you too to see how you are doing. Thinking of you too xx

    Newbie, thank you.

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