July 24, 2012

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The cervical cerclage was placed on Saturday evening

And after spending 4 days in the hospital, we're home

I'm on strict bed rest with bathroom privileges now

Justin and my parents do everything

I'm so thankful for them

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As I grow this new life

And hope for this pregnancy to hold

And as we approach Liam's first birthday

There are so many thoughts and feelings swirling around

It's the strangest mixture of emotions that i've ever experienced

And I can't seem to be able to put any of it into words

So for now I just want to say thank you

For your thoughts and hopes and for journeying with me from afar


\\\ Holding on very still

\\\ Missing so very much

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37 comments:

  1. Thinking of you
    Sending love
    You are such a strong woman

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  2. My thoughts are with you xoxoxo

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  3. Yay for a sweet kitty to keep you company on this long journey. Hugs

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  4. Inhale "faith", exhale "fear"
    And so very many (((((((((((((((((((((oms)))))))))))))))))))))) xxx

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  5. I am trying to imagine what it must be like for you - all this time to think of Liam and of this new pregnancy and so little to be able to do to distract yourself. I imagine if it were me I would be holding on to my sanity by a shred. I hope you are feeling more calm than I imagine I would be...I'm glad you updated - I think of you and hope for this pregnancy so frequently and am glad to hear that the cerclage is in and you are home.

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  6. It's so natural to be scared, sad and happy. I can't imagine the strangeness of holding so many contrasting emotions...and with so much beauty...you are a truly brave woman Tash. I will be away on Liams anniversary...but I will be thinking of you, Liam and your babe that grows inside you. It's been a big year for you. Big hugs x

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  7. I've been wondering how the cerclage went ok, so glad to see this post. It sounds like you are being well looked after. Thinking of you, J, Liam and this new baby. Xxxx

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  8. Hi Tash, you are truly surrounded in a beautiful circle of LOVE....always in my thought's..xx

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  9. I've been wondering how everything went. Sending love and thinking of you from afar. I had a good friend that went through a similar situation. She was on hospital bed rest after her cerclage. Her little girl is now 3. I am hoping the best for you.

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  10. well done Tash...so glad you are back home surrounded by your loved ones..it's a strange thing to be still with your thoughts and to just "be" .....sending you love and thinking of you ..always xxx

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  11. I can only imagine the things that might come to you in your hours and days of stillness and rest. A many-months-long mandated retreat. Is it wrong to be jealous of this? I hope that you uncover new depths of peace and joy in the midst and the swirl of everything else. Thinking of you and your husband, your parents, and always, LIam.

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  12. A small sigh of relief that the cerclage is in place and so far, so good. Pregnancy and grief simultaneously is such a clusterf*** (sorry I haven't come up with a better description yet). It's so hard to hold such disparate emotions in one's heart at the same time. I also struggle to explain it or put it into words.

    Thinking of you and your cushy cell. I am always available by email if you are bored Griefland (dot) Greetings (at) Gmail (dot) com. Grow baby, grow.

    Sending patience to you and your family and remembering Liam always.

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  13. Just thought I would pop over and see what is new in your life my friend....so glad to hear the exciting new....stay put and be still my friend. love and prayers go your way. xoxoxo

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  14. Grow sweet baby, grow.
    xo

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  15. You are doing this, Tash! Go gently and let yourself be cocooned with all the love and support you need.

    Thinking of you often and saying little prayers for the whole family x

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  16. Wishing you sweet resting days! Grow baby grow!!!!
    xoxo,
    Lulu

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  17. deep breath, deep breath, another step, a big step at that.

    hoping, yearning and raising my hands out to the world for some continued good news.

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  18. I hope the cerclage holds tight and that bed rest is going well, dear one. Love that photo of you and your cat.

    Much <3 to you, Liam, and Liam's new little sibling. xo

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  19. you've been on my mind, lady! sending good thoughts your way.
    xo
    j.

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  20. I hope you are resting peacefully. Grow baby grow <3

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  21. I'm so happy for you. Trust that your body can do this.
    I've been reading Gurmukh's prenatal book, Bountiful Beautiful Blissful, and it has really given me a lot of confidence in myself/my pregnancy. There will be exercises in there that you obviously can't do, but it's mostly about meditations to help you connect with your baby/body/pregnancy process. I highly recommend it.
    Thinking of you.
    xo

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  22. Tash, i'm sure there's so much going on tonight in your mind and heart. you are certainly in my thoughts, especially throughout today and for tomorrow. my friend, i envision you surrounded by Liam's light, his energy surging in and through you, always lifting upwards.

    i'm also having trouble putting my feelings into words to express my want, need, ache for you and baby to be okay. it is good to know your family and Justin are all there for you....plus little Ziggy too!! my prayers always include you. xo ♥

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  23. Tash, we used to work together and I had no idea all the pain you and Justin had gone through and how you must be feeling. My prayers are with you every day and I will think of the little angel growing inside you waiting to meet you. Hang on and just go one day at a time.
    Jennifer xoxoxo

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  24. Just catching up.. thinking of you and hoping that stitch will do its job.. love and light always...

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  25. Just looking at the calender and the weeks have ticked on by since you wrote this - that is a very good thing. You're doing this... little by little, inch by inch, slowly slowly... With every second that passes that little life is getting stronger and stronger. Long may that continue. Love to you. Thinking of Liam. xx

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    1. Thank you Aoife. Every day, every week, that passes i'm a little bit closer, and this little one continues to get stronger and stronger yes. Thank you for thinking of Liam xx

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  26. Tash - It's been two months since the cerclage was placed. I hope that feels like an accomplishment, like progress.

    I think of you often. You and I at similar gestations, except you are confined to your bed. I consider the pros and cons of bedrest. I wonder how you are passing the days, how you are coping with all the complexities of growing another child while mourning your firstborn. Always, I conclude, that you and I both are doing everything in our control to keep our babies safe and healthy. Keep up the tough work. You're doing it.

    Sending you, Justin, Liam and Baby #2 lots of love.

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    1. I mark each day that passes with an "X" on my calendar. Each day, each week, is an accomplishment yes. IC is hard, the pelvic pressure and spotting is terrifying, and we've had our share of scares these past 2 months (emergency hospital and doctor visits), but like you say, we are doing everything in our control to keep our babies safe. I hope that you're holding up as best you can. Are you on BR? If you need tips, let me know. BR is hard on my body and i've only gained 2 pounds so far in this pregnancy, but everyone is different, and it also depends on the type of BR you're on too.

      I think of Liam everyday, of course, and I hope to be able to tell his sibling about him one day. For now, i'm remaining as still as possible. I'm quietly enjoying the kicks and twists and turns happening inside me because each one gives me so much hope. Are you able to enjoy these parts of your pregnancy? I hope so, but I know that not everyone can. It's all so hard, missing one of your children while you hope for another isn't it.

      I think about you often too, and I visit you for updates all the time. My heart is sending you, E, A and the little one you're growing so much love. xx

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    2. I am not on BR. Distraction is my best ally these days for passing the days which is why I often think it would be more difficult to be in your situation with limited distraction options. Plus my body gets achey after a regular night's sleep. I cannot imagine the discomforts of constant BR. But again, you're doing this for your child and inconvenience and pain is so very worth it.

      For the most part I am enjoying the kicks and frolics. Occasionally they cause me distress and down the line when we start doing daily kick counts or once Dragon has an established routine of active times then I think the movements will lean more toward the worrisome side of the scale. But for now it is nice and it is helping me to believe in this baby and to build a connection.

      Keeping you close to my heart as the 24-week milestone looms. Although you are confined to your bedroom, know that you are not alone.

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    3. My fetal doppler has saved my sanity a few times now. Do you have one? I ordered mine on eBay.

      It is so very worth it yes. There is no better cause than our children.

      Thinking about you, and holding A and baby Dragon in my heart. <3

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    4. We did purchase a home doppler. I was concerned I would become dependent but we have only busted it out a handful of times. Only once because I was very worried. It is reassuring to check in on the baby though. Our midwives were surprisingly supportive of decision even demonstrating how to tell if the doppler is picking up baby's heart or the placenta.

      Counting the days with you.

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  27. Tash, I saw your kind comment over on Missing Molly - and it is so like you. Your kindness I find sprinkled here, there, and all around in so many places.

    Thank you. Thank you for sharing yourself and your words, all the ways that you do. I notice and appreciate your voice.

    and ~~oh~~ the photo - of you, your cat ~~

    my heart aches with yours, so missing Liam (!), so hoping and pressing and doing all and all and all to protect this little growing one,

    such impossibly long, hard, heavy days.

    Thinking of you, Tash.

    Even more,

    CiM

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    1. Thank you for visiting me here, and for missing Liam with me.

      I have been reading you for a year now, silently nodding and smiling and crying along to your words. Your words run deep and are a gift CiM. And not only to the ones they are intended.

      Love to you <3

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    2. Likewise, I'm sure - I *always* love a Tash comment, and read every one.

      You know, it is funny how much I am thinking of you. Not funny, but funny. You know what I mean. I think and think and think of you.

      My confining in bed is not for sustaining a new life - and oh, how I'm hoping, praying, leaning, yearning, longing for your Little Life to thrive.

      Little Life, thrive.

      Thrive, thrive ~ please, be well...

      You are remembered here, daily,

      CiM

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    3. You are lovely, thank you for your thoughts. I'm sorry that you are confined to your bed CiM, please be well too. xx

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